Joke

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 21:06

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.



One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.



They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved

on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl

digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.



An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what

they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort

you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a

hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'



The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably

looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl

who plants the trees called in sick.'

smithy


Joined: 17/07/2008
Posts: 5301

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 21:12

Good one Nick

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 21:22

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks'.



A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany , we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks'.



A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks'.



The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take two ar**holes out of Scotland , put them in 10 & 11 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours'.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 21:24

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed

the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to

the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The

wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the

radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.



I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into

bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,

and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."



My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband

is out fishing in that?"

The-Wicks


Joined: 27/05/2007
Posts: 2279

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 21:25

Good one Nick!!! Made us laugh out loud (would have been even funnier were it not true).



J

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 22:08

a feminist visits kabul just after the fall of the taliban and is not pleased to find that women have to walk 5 paces behind the men.



A year later the same feminist returns and is delighted to find that men now walk 5 paces behind the women.



She asks the interpreter what has brought about this change?





he replied " land mines "

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 22:11

love them nick keep them coming. xxxx

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 22:11

An elderly couple is attending Mass.



About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I

just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'



He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

Blackpoolfan


Joined: 03/12/2008
Posts: 1568

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 22:28

Paddy the electrician has been sacked from his job with the prison service for refusing to fix the electric chair! He said in his professional opinion its a f**kin death trap........

Blackpoolfan


Joined: 03/12/2008
Posts: 1568

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 22:31

Things are bad at home my wife is sick of me!! Always sport on the telly, cricket,rugby, football. Anyway i booked a quiet table for 2 last night to try and patch things up. By 9pm things were a lot worse she hadn't potted a single red.........

Blackpoolfan


Joined: 03/12/2008
Posts: 1568

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 22:33

NEWS FLASH!!!! The NHS are now paying £6.50 a time for sperm donations, which makes that old towel under N. Nicks bed worth about £10,000.............

spider


Joined: 03/01/2009
Posts: 5527

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 22:38

am on floor.ha,ha,nice, love it,

















spider.x

Blackpoolfan


Joined: 03/12/2008
Posts: 1568

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 22:40

Over to you N.N. lets have a compo crack another one pardon the pun...........

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 23:05

A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.



Later, after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and asks him:



'So... How do you like using second hand stuff?'



The new husband replies: 'It isn't that bad. Past the first 2 inches it's all brand new.'

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 23:14

Husband & wife shopping in Tesco, man picks up a box of Stella & sticks it

in the trolley.



"What do you think ur doing?", asks wife

"They're on offer, £10 for 24 cans", he says

"Put them back, we can't afford it"



A few aisles later, wife picks up a £20 facecream & puts it in the

trolley.



"What do you think ur doing?", asks husband.

"It's my face cream, it makes me look beautiful", she says.



Husband replies, "So does 24 cans of Stella & it's half the f--king

price!"

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 23:15

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.



She says, "Hello."



He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, "Do you know me?"



To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."



Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party who I made love to on the billiard table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"





She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No. I'm your son's teacher."

Blackpoolfan


Joined: 03/12/2008
Posts: 1568

Message Posted:
08/03/2009 00:15

Chinese 69 2canchew...........

Blackpoolfan


Joined: 03/12/2008
Posts: 1568

Message Posted:
08/03/2009 00:18

Sometimes when you cry no one sees your tears........



When your worried no one sees your pain...........



But just try flashing your dick on a bus and see how much f**king attention you get...........

Blackpoolfan


Joined: 03/12/2008
Posts: 1568

Message Posted:
08/03/2009 00:20

Man lying in bed after sex with his new Thai wife. She keeps stroking his Dick. He says do like my dick that much? She says no i just miss mine..........

Blackpoolfan


Joined: 03/12/2008
Posts: 1568

Message Posted:
08/03/2009 00:28

A Poem for the women...........



Before i lay down to sleep, i pray for a man who is not a creep, one who is handsome, smart, and strong. One who loves to listen long, one who thinks before he speaks, one who will call, not wait for weeks. I pray he is rich and self employed and when i spend won't get annoyed. Pull out my chair and hold my hand, massage my feet and help me stand...........



A Mans Poem,



I pray for a deaf,mute, gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a pub on a golf course. This doesn't even rhyme but who gives a f**k.................

Blackpoolfan


Joined: 03/12/2008
Posts: 1568

Message Posted:
08/03/2009 00:29

Guys next time you make love to the wife try it on the edge of a cliff, because she will definately push back..............

Blackpoolfan


Joined: 03/12/2008
Posts: 1568

Message Posted:
08/03/2009 00:32

Last one before i get told off.





A women has been subject to a shocking rape in Blackpool near to the north pier. When interviewed by the police she stated that council workmen had raped her. The officer enquired as to how she knew they were from the council? She replied because i did all the f**kin work...........

Carbotec


Joined: 28/02/2009
Posts: 98

Message Posted:
08/03/2009 09:06

Two guys chatting in the bar, one says to the other Did you know that lions have sex 10 times a day.



The other guy says "Bollocks" and I’ve just joined ROTARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
08/03/2009 12:21

Nicknames in use that have been given to Glasgow characters by their friends and workmates



Two Soups - his real name is Campbell Baxter.



Norrie Two Bunnets - the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his cloth cap.



The Colostomy - the girlfriend of a married man (ie. the wee bag on the side).



The Parachute - lets everyone down at the last minute.



Cashline - an experienced young lass who's open 24 hours a day.



Vaseline - his real name is Willie Burns.



Rembrandt - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the picture..'



Bo Derek - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.



Brewer's Droop - his real name is Willie Falls.



The Genie - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.



The Marksman - when it's his turn to buy a round, he always shoots the craw



Dulux - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.



Soapy - washes his hands of any problems that crop up.



The Gas Man - he's serviced loads of old boilers.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
08/03/2009 12:38

Little boy kills a butterfly, dad says no butter for two weeks!



Boy kills a honeybee, dad says no honey for two weeks!



Mum kills a cockroach, boy turns to dad and says "are you going to tell her or should I" ??

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
08/03/2009 12:39

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.



The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'



The husband, rejected, turns over.



A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.



'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
08/03/2009 16:49

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest

of me life between the legs of me wife!' That won him the top prize

at the pub for the best toast of the night!



He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best

toast of the night' She said, 'Aye, did ye now? And what was your

toast?'



John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church

beside me wife.'



'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.



The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the

street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize

the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'



She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You

know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell

asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him

come.'

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
08/03/2009 16:53

LOST IN B&Q





Two blokes, one old and one young , are pushing their carts around B&Q DIY store when they collide.



The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.



'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too.. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'



The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'



The young guy says, 'Well, she's 24 yrs old, tall, with long blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs,



and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'



The old guy says.... . 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for Yours.'

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
08/03/2009 16:57

mick hucknalls been arrested after being caught having sex with a rabbit



a police source said he was "holding back the ears" and singing "bunnys 2 tight 2 mention"



Any complaints about the humours quality of the above joke should be adress'd to:



Garry Monger's Missus

Ingrams Drive

Bachelli

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
08/03/2009 17:01

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.



'My name is Carmen,' she told him.



'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?



'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- Cars and Men.'



'And what's your name?' she asked.



He said, 'B. J. Titsengolf.'

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
08/03/2009 17:06

Just bought an advent calender from Woolworths.





The bloody windows are all boarded up.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
08/03/2009 17:20

What Do "Retired People" Do All Day?



Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.



Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes.





When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'



He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.





I called him a Nazi turd.



He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a shit- head .



He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.



Then he started writing a third ticket.



This went on for about 20 minutes.



The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.



Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
08/03/2009 17:23

A woman was in bed with her lover

when she heard her husband

opening the front door.



'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,

then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'

she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'



'What's this?' the husband inquired

as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied,

'the Smiths bought one and I liked it

so I got one for us, too.'



No more was said,

not even when they went to bed.



Around 2 AM the husband got up,

went to the kitchen and returned

with a sandwich and a beer.



'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths

and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
08/03/2009 17:28

What's the capital of Iceland?































About £4.50

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
08/03/2009 17:41

A man charges into a bank wearing a Balaclava and wielding a handgun, he shouts, "This is a raid, everybody on the floor."

and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.



As he runs to the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts "Did anybody else see my face?"



The robber see's another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.



"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around.



There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner, "I think my missus caught a glimpse..."

Coachie



Joined: 29/07/2008
Posts: 2135

Message Posted:
08/03/2009 21:46

two irishmen laying floorboards when the first one sees his mate throwing away most of the nails

"What you doing that for"

"they are upside down"

" Well save them ,we can use them on the ceiling"

snakes



Joined: 28/10/2008
Posts: 1512

Message Posted:
09/03/2009 18:09

differance between a constipated owl and a bad archer ????

one" shoots" and cant hit

the other "hoots" and cant .... !