neg nick "joke of the week" (back by popular demand)

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
22/11/2011 18:32

Joe Frazier has died of liver cancer.



However, police suspect foul play.



They are currently grilling George Foreman.

nicola


Joined: 06/09/2011
Posts: 246

Message Posted:
22/11/2011 18:38

Welcome back NN

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
22/11/2011 18:43

technically i'm not back...



i'm here, cos i'm not all there...............

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
22/11/2011 18:44

one for you Dutch:



After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in

bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband

begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite

some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck,

and then began moving down past the small of

her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly

worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping

just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left

inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast

again, working down her side, passed gently over

her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he

proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the

uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the

same manner on her right side, then suddenly

stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.

As she had become quite aroused by this

caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was

wonderful. Why did you stop?'



He said, 'I found the remote'...

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
22/11/2011 18:49

I remember once when I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents....we had a lovely evening and, after she'd gone, my dad leaned over and said, "Son, I think this one's a keeper.""Awww dad, what makes you say that?".....















"She smells of elephant poo"

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
22/11/2011 18:54

Now that Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas has become firmly established in Hollywood, and Charlotte Church is a well-known celebrity slapper in the UK, the Welsh film industry is to receive additional funding to step up production. They are going to remake many well known films, but this time with a Welsh flavour.



The following are planned for release this year...



Sheepless in Seattle



Seven Brides from Seven Sisters



9½ Leeks



Trefforest Gump



Cwmando



The Lost Boyos



An American Werewolf in Powys



Huw Dares Gwyneth



Dai Hard



The Wizard of Oswestry



Cool Hand Look-you



The Eagle has Llandudno



The Magnificent Severn



Haverfordwest Was Won



Austin Powys



The Magic Rhonddabout



Independence Dai



The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch That time

Forgot



Welsh Connection



Welsh Connection II



The Bridge on the River Wye



Lawrence of Llandybie



A Beautiful Mind-you



The Welsh Patient



The King and Mair



The Sheeps

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
22/11/2011 18:55

The Sheepshag Redemption



Breakfast at Taffynys



Look You Back in Bangor



Evans Can Wait



A Fishguard Called Rhondda



Where Eagles Aberdare



Dial M For Merthyr

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
22/11/2011 18:57

Got pulled up by the police last night and the lady PC ordered me to get out of my car.'You're staggering' said the lady officer.'you're not a bad looking bird yourself' i replied!!    

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3533

Message Posted:
22/11/2011 19:39

I think re-opening the case into Natalie Wood's death after all these years is going overboard

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3533

Message Posted:
22/11/2011 19:42

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in

Greece.



The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.



The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single

lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".



The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous.



When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there?"



The Spaniard replied; "No."

JohhnyLee


Joined: 25/04/2009
Posts: 2495

Message Posted:
22/11/2011 21:26

My wife keeps moaning that I never take her anywhere expensive anymore,







I said right grab your coat.







She said are you taking me out ?







Yes we're going you to the Petrol Station.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
22/11/2011 21:38

A little boy goes to his dad and says, "Dad, can I ask you a question?"



His father replies, "Sure, son. What is it?"



The little boy says "What's a Manager?"



"Well," the father began "a manager is someone who makes important decisions at work, who helps others learn and develop and who takes the flack when things go wrong. Why do you ask son?"



"When Uncle Tony and Uncle Andrew were round yesterday I heard them talking." The young lad says. "They said that Mum is a bit of a handful for one man, but together they could probably manager."

   

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3533

Message Posted:
22/11/2011 21:57

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at

him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place

where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the

father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been

unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that

I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner

whipped my butt with wet celery???'





She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Ballyboffin


Joined: 25/08/2007
Posts: 903

Message Posted:
22/11/2011 23:34

bril-phil xx

TRNCVaughan


Joined: 27/04/2008
Posts: 4578

Message Posted:
23/11/2011 11:09

Given a choice between having Parkinsons or Alzheimers, I'd rather spill some of my beer than forget where I'd put it.

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
23/11/2011 19:26

Keep them coming ! As I drove out of an Asda car park dozens of the lady shoppers of all ages, shapes, and sizes, smiled and waved at me so I said to the Wildebeest who sat next to me "I may be a wizened old fart now but I still know how to charm them" It was when I put my foot to the brake at the exit to the carpark that a weeks shopping supplies in cardboard boxes flew forward off the roof of the car into 2 lanes of the A 14. Whilst I was explaining to the Wildebeest (bless her) that senile dementia makes no allowance for remembering to put shopping into the boot, the ladies who I so beguiled were rolling around the car park in fits of laughter. The next week I shopped at Tescos !

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
24/11/2011 23:44

40 Travellers arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys. Go back to the gates and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy and I will let a dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'







'No, the gates'.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
24/11/2011 23:48

MASTERMIND



'Name?'



'Howard Smith'



'Occupation?'



'Carpenter'



'And your specialist subject is?'



'The life history of Howard Smith the Carpenter'    

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3533

Message Posted:
27/11/2011 15:50

Post Removed due to extreme poor taste.



There may be hundreds of sick jokes on the net already, but that doesn't mean they have to appear here.



HAROLD2555

Jeannie


Joined: 04/08/2009
Posts: 3283

Message Posted:
27/11/2011 15:52

You really are a nasty piece of work at times, aren't you?

mikelapta



Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 2186

Message Posted:
27/11/2011 16:07

philbailey..that is disgusting !!!!

I demand an apology on behalf of Gary Speed's family.

I reckon you should be banned !!!!!





Mike

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3533

Message Posted:
27/11/2011 16:16

There are already 1000s of jokes

on the net already

Hector


Joined: 26/08/2008
Posts: 2352

Message Posted:
27/11/2011 16:27

Just sending a quick message from A & E, turns out that the Dyson “Ball Cleaner” isn’t what I thought it was.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
27/11/2011 16:43

Roses are green



Violets are green



Eastenders is green...



My TV's knackered.....

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
27/11/2011 16:52

Just seen my mate from Lancashire, I didn't realise he was a transvestite;



he had a Wigan address....

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
27/11/2011 16:53

Mick and Paddy are down the pub. Mick said "Must be off, I'm taking evening classes."

"What in?" asks Paddy.

"I'm learning Chinese."

"Why's that?"

"The wife and I have just adopted a Chinese baby girl, so I'll want to know what she' s saying when she grows up"

ttoli


Joined: 24/03/2007
Posts: 1172

Message Posted:
27/11/2011 17:33

I've got a cold, so I Googled "lockets" and got hundreds of sites about the Chinese space programme.

ttoli


Joined: 24/03/2007
Posts: 1172

Message Posted:
27/11/2011 17:36

I love this time of year. You can slam your laptop shut when your girlfriend walks into the room and you don't get any disgusted looks.

suehowlittle


Joined: 31/10/2010
Posts: 1202

Message Posted:
27/11/2011 18:26

Glad you're back to brighten our days again, and the torrent of really funny jokes which followed yours was brilliant. 10/10 Nick!

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
28/11/2011 12:27

My Girlfriend said I should be more affectionate.



So I got two Girlfriends



[based on a true story]

Jonholmes


Joined: 08/11/2011
Posts: 184

Message Posted:
28/11/2011 14:10

Grab your taco, you've pulled a dyslexic Mexican.

Jonholmes


Joined: 08/11/2011
Posts: 184

Message Posted:
29/11/2011 22:12

Happy Birthday Ryan Giggs (29.11.73), I suppose it'll be a quiet affair this year

Ralph96



Joined: 01/07/2008
Posts: 531

Message Posted:
30/11/2011 12:13

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face......

Jonholmes


Joined: 08/11/2011
Posts: 184

Message Posted:
13/01/2012 00:41

It is nice to see Natasha Giggs in big brother

Deniz1


Joined: 28/07/2009
Posts: 3829

Message Posted:
13/01/2012 08:37

SOOOO BORING

minertor



Joined: 14/02/2009
Posts: 1238

Message Posted:
13/01/2012 08:40

msg 21>philbailey..that is disgusting !!!!



I demand an apology on behalf of Gary Speed's family.



I reckon you should be banned !!!!!



Mike, if you're serious, how come you're smiling?



T

Jonesy299


Joined: 07/02/2009
Posts: 367

Message Posted:
13/01/2012 15:59

Why don't you all just add 'Sickipedia' as a favourite - that is where most of the contributors are getting them from (I've not seen one joke that is new!!). Some new ones Pleeeease!!

mikelapta



Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 2186

Message Posted:
13/01/2012 16:07

Welcome to "Ready,steady cook "Anthony Worral Thompson.We gave you £5,what did you buy?



"I've got a duck,fresh venison,caviar,and champagne...oh here's the change,£2.49"







Mike

minertor



Joined: 14/02/2009
Posts: 1238

Message Posted:
13/01/2012 19:34

Gud'n, Mike, and original, mebbe



T

mikelapta



Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 2186

Message Posted:
13/01/2012 19:45

Tony,nearly original,from my family in Wales





Mike