Jokes To Share

japeal



Joined: 12/09/2008
Posts: 1052

Message Posted:
09/02/2009 15:25

IRISH LOVE STORY



An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.



Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

japeal



Joined: 12/09/2008
Posts: 1052

Message Posted:
09/02/2009 15:26

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ........................



F**k off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

japeal



Joined: 12/09/2008
Posts: 1052

Message Posted:
09/02/2009 15:27

The Moral of Auntie Sharon



A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.



The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.



Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket n the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'



'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.



'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'



'Very good,' said the teacher.



Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'



'That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?'

japeal



Joined: 12/09/2008
Posts: 1052

Message Posted:
09/02/2009 15:28

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.

And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'



'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'



'Stay the f .... away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.'