does anyone know any jokes with the topic of "Visitors" please?

witchfinder



Joined: 10/04/2008
Posts: 155

Message Posted:
20/02/2009 01:10

Hi I need to tell a joke at a function soon, the topic of visitors is my theme, so any jokes would be apprietiated.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
20/02/2009 06:29

Tell them about the Brits that have bought over here, about how we swallowed the "exchange" land twaddle, how the builders ripped many of us off, the un-inforcable contracts, the broken promises, the rocketing prices, the litter, the fact that it's almost impossible for a Brit to earn a living wage here, the rubbish dumped everywhere, the folk who want out not being able to sell their properties because of the Orams case hanging over them.....



They'll be rolling about on the floor like the Cadbury's Smash robots.





Nick

Littlenige



Joined: 24/12/2006
Posts: 3594

Message Posted:
20/02/2009 07:28

UK vs USA



In a recent television show in the UK, actor and comedian John Cleese

explained three reasons why the British are superior to Americans:



1. They speak English.

2. When they host a world championship they invite other countries.

3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down on one

knee

Littlenige



Joined: 24/12/2006
Posts: 3594

Message Posted:
20/02/2009 07:34

A Rotary visitor to Japan told a joke lasting 2 minutes.

The interpreter then translated using only a few words. Everyone laughed. Afterwards the visitor asked the interpreter how he translated such a long joke so quickly.



"Well, I didn't think they would get the point, so I said, "Our guest has just told a joke. Everyone please laugh."







Visitor To Heaven









aint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus says "Fine." St. Pete takes the book which lists everyone who's supposed to get into Heaven with him to the bathroom to have something to read.�



As Jesus is standing there, he sees this old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter's tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus tells him he doesn't have the book, but asks the old man to explain his life and why he felt he should be admitte

Littlenige



Joined: 24/12/2006
Posts: 3594

Message Posted:
20/02/2009 07:35

One night on a lonely country road a Flying Saucer landed at a petrol station. The two aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about possible detection. In fact, the letters 'UFO' were boldly emblazoned on one side of their silvery craft. As the station owner stood gawking in amazement and nearly paralysed by the shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the aliens as they took off.



"Do you realise what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.



"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"



"Didn't you see space mutants in that vehicle?!"



"Yeah," repeated the blonde. "So?"



"And didn't you see those letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"



"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"



"Are you tellin Me you don't know what 'UFO' means?!"



The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for five years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means -



...it means 'Unleaded Fuel Only'"