Any New Jokes?

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 01:31

Come on guys and gals.I'm getting withdrawal symptoms from reading all these negative posts,cheer me up by giving us all a blast of positivity and wit..... bit of nostagia maybe after watching Dave Allen ,Les Dawson and BFC yesterday.



Kind regards to all,Steve

Blackpoolfan


Joined: 03/12/2008
Posts: 1568

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 10:07

Visited a clairvoyant yesterday, she said a lot of money was coming my way. Crossed the roads later that day and got run over by a securicor van.............

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 10:23

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.



No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:



"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go.."



But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering:



"Dave you're a vet."

The-Wicks


Joined: 27/05/2007
Posts: 2279

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 10:23

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=foInKEjLsM4



might cheer you up

P

The-Wicks


Joined: 27/05/2007
Posts: 2279

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 10:25

And one for cooper



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHYnahPkJI8

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 10:29

Good morning all. Bill where do you get your material from you crack me up each time.Keep them coming xxxx

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 10:30

A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.



The woman notices this and asks,



"Is your date running late?"



"No", he replies, "I am here alone. Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."



The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"



"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.



"What's it telling you now?"



"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."



The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"



007 taps, taps his watch,and says "Damn thing must be an hour fast.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 10:34

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, plastic anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,

"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 10:35

But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted.He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess,

"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.



Question: What was the object in the prince's pants?

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 10:36

They were M&M's of course..

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking?

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 10:44

I just found out Blackpool have signed 2 chinese footballers .....





... Wee Won Once and How Long Since

Arthur


Joined: 04/11/2008
Posts: 687

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 11:31

A very clever scientist has designed a bra that stops women's breasts jiggling up and down. His colleagues have kicked the c##p out of him.........................

Arthur


Joined: 04/11/2008
Posts: 687

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 11:35

With the recent cold spell, there was a thing on TV about looking after your neighbours, particularly because of the snow and ice. Our neighbour is 87 years old, NOT ONCE has she popped round to see if we're okay. In fact, the lazy cow has left her milk on the doorstep for nearly two weeks.......................

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 11:37

Arthur - very good. ))

eager


Joined: 23/02/2007
Posts: 1272

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 11:37

Micheal Owen was in a bar with a few friends, he spots a nice looking girl at the bar being a footballer he goes over to her and says " get your coat on, your pulled" The woman turns around, looks at him and says ..."your a little forward"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 11:39

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 11:40

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Woman: Hell No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, just spread my old legs "Take me, young man, take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 11:42

Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," is his reply.. The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?" "Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 12:15

What's got an IQ of 144?.....





.... a gross of irishmen

W.McGregor


Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 11

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 13:14

A vicar checks in to a hotel ahead of a clergy conference and the lady on reception asks if he has any special requirements.



"Could I have a Daily Mail delivered in the morning" asks the vicar



"No problem" replies the receptionist "Anything else?"



"Could I have a continental room service breakfast as well" asks the vicar



"Certainly sir" replies the receptionist "Is there anything else?"



"Well" says the vicar "Is the porn disabled?"



At this the receptionist's face turns bright and she replies "No it's not, it's just regular porn you sick son of a bitch "



_________________

W.McGregor


Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 11

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 13:37

16 year old Johnny asks his Dad what a women's 'private parts' looks like.



"Well" says the father knowingly "it has two different looks. Before sex it looks like a beautiful pink rose with delicate folds"



"And what about after sex?" asks Johnny



"Well how do I describe it?" says Dad "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating porridge?"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 13:47

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

Another one said, "How do you know?"



First inmate answers, "Winston Churchill told me!"



Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 13:49

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.



"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."



"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."



"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

denizkisi


Joined: 18/09/2008
Posts: 196

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 15:00

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background

> checks,

> interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. Two men and

> a

> woman.

>

> For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large

> metal door

> and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your

> instructions

> no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your

> wife

> sitting in a chair.. Kill Her!!"

>

> The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

>

> The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your

> wife

> and go home."

>

> The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and

> came out

> with tears in his eyes, " I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

>

> The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go

> home."

>

> Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instruction,

> to

> kill her husband. She took t

denizkisi


Joined: 18/09/2008
Posts: 196

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 15:01

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were

> heard,

> one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the

> walls.

> After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there

> stood

> the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

>

> The agent asked, "What on earth was all that racket that we heard?"

>

> The woman said...

>

>

>

>

> "The gun was loaded with blanks" she said, "I had to beat him to death

> with

> the chair."

>

>

> Moral:

>

> Women are evil

> Don't mess with them

ROBnJO


Joined: 30/06/2008
Posts: 1289

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 15:24

How about an old joke?



Come on someone?



Name 3 fish that start & end with the letter 'K'!

denizkisi


Joined: 18/09/2008
Posts: 196

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 15:25

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"



The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or skiing stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

smithy


Joined: 17/07/2008
Posts: 5301

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 15:26

A Doctor is addressing a crowd at a conference, :What we put into our stomachs can be enough to kill us, he declares. :Red meat, soft drinks, fatty foods, all can be disastrous, * But there's something even worse, Can anyone tell me which food causes the most grief for years after eating it???

A 75 year old woman in the front row raises her hand and answers ** Wedding Cake *

smithy

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 15:28

Kilmarnock its a plaice

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 15:28

Rob.



Killer SharK



Kentucky Fried haddocK



KilmarnocK

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 15:31

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with wind,

but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent.

As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office.

You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts -- although still silent -- stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing...."

ROBnJO


Joined: 30/06/2008
Posts: 1289

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 15:50

Wife in bed with her lover.

Hears husband arrive home early.

Lover rushes to en-suite.

Wife kicks his clothes under bed.



Husband enters bedroom, 'Why are you in bed naked?'

Wife, 'Just to surprise you darling'.

Husband 'Ooh, that's lovely', goes into en-suite and sees naked lover.

'Who the hell are you?'



Lover, 'Err, I'm the Pest Control Officer your wife called about the plague of clothes moths'.



Husband, 'But you haven't got any clothes on!'



Lover,......



'The little bastards!'.

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 16:17

Newly married couple on honeymoon in Cyprus.



Husband is on balcony looking up at the stars ( no not Patrick Moore)



Wife calls out - Aren't you coming to bed dear?



Husband replies : Not likely,I've heard this is one of the best nights of your life,and I'm not going to miss a second of it.

batterboy58



Joined: 20/04/2008
Posts: 442

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 16:27

Husband and wife have a terrible row.

Later that day the husband feels remorse and brings home some flowers for his wife.

Later that night wife calls husband up to the bedroom.

He walks in and finds wife on bed naked with legs open.

"This is for the flowers" she says.





Why! Haven't you got a vase?

batterboy58



Joined: 20/04/2008
Posts: 442

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 16:31

Two prostitutes in a restaurant having a meal, one says "I can smell sp*nk" to which the other replied "Sorry I just belched"

harita


Joined: 14/08/2008
Posts: 1343

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 16:43

A woman so pee'd off with her husband playing golf every day decides to take lessons so she could join him for a round..

On the first day the tutor placed down a ball on a tee & told her to hit it .. Flew off to the right .. 2nd ball .. Flew off to the left .. Completely missed the 3rd...

Lets start from 1st principles, giving her a driver, told her to imagine she was holding her husbands willy, to caress the club & treat it gently .. Swinging the club the ball went straight down the middle of the fairway .. Passing her a 9 iron & pointing to the green, the idea now is to hit the ball as close to the hole as possibe .. Whack, the ball lands 2 feet from the hole .. Perfect, now we use a putter ..























Take the 9 iron out of your mouth ..

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 17:21

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed Him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances Inside the room you will find your wife sitting In a chair ... . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could Never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man For this job. Take your wife and go home.'

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 17:22

The second man was given the same instructions.He took the gun and went into the room. All was Quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one After another. They heard screaming, crashing,Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy don't mess with them!!

batterboy58



Joined: 20/04/2008
Posts: 442

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 18:00

No1 Doyen

Some one already posted this one, message 24 & 25

Coachie



Joined: 29/07/2008
Posts: 2135

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 18:19

Old man struggles to get off the couch

"Where you going "says his wife

"Going to see the doctor for some of them Viagra pills"says old man

Wife struggles to get off the sofa

"Hold on aminute ,IAm coming with you "says the wife

"what for "says old man

"Well if you are going to start using that old rusty thing ,Iam having a tetanus shot"....

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 19:04

2 blokes ,Fred and Seamus,chatting in a pub - Fred says "blimey mate,you look rough,dark rings under your eyes -whats wrong?".



"Terrible,as soon as I get off to sleep,I dream that I'm driving a lorry up to Carlisle;and I just cant get to sleep".said Seamus.



"I know a pychiatrist friend of mine who will sort you out" Fred said



Next week they meet in the pub and Seamus says -" that bloke was great,he got rid of my hang up in a jiffy"





The week after Fred meets Jock in the pub with large black rings under his eyes - " Blimey mate you look awful,"says Fred



" I know,I dream that I've a blond,a brunette and a redhead in bed with me .... I just cant sleep".

Fred persuades Jock to go to the pychiatrist's ,as Seamus.



Next week they see each other in the pub,but Jock still looks awful.



"whats wrong,Jock,Didn't you see the pychiatrist"......



Jock replies " I certainly did.. he got rid of the women...but instead,he gave me a lorry to drive up to Carlisle

kenny



Joined: 26/05/2008
Posts: 405

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 19:30

Guts or Balls

in an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below



Guts- is arriving home late after a late night

out with the lads, being met by your wife with

a broom and having the guts to ask '' are you

still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere ?''

Balls- coming home very late after a pissup,

smelling of perfume. slapping your wife on the ass

& having the balls to say '' your next, fatty !''

Mindy



Joined: 27/10/2008
Posts: 1210

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 20:14

An Irish mother writing to her Irish son.



Dear Son, just a few lines to let you know I am still alive. I'm writing this letter very slowly because I know you cannot read very fast. You won't know the house when you come home, we've moved.

About your Father, he has a lovely new job, he has 500 men under him, he's cutting the grass in the cemetery.

There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in, but it isn't working too good. Last week I put 14 shirts into it, pulled the chain, and I have not seen them since.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning. I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle. Uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whisky in Dublin Brewery.

Some of his mates dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely.We cremated his body and it took 3 days for the fire to go out.

Your Father didn't have much to drink at xmas, I put a bottle of castor oil in his beer, it kept him going till New year...cont

Mindy



Joined: 27/10/2008
Posts: 1210

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 20:14

An Irish mother writing to her Irish son.



Dear Son, just a few lines to let you know I am still alive. I'm writing this letter very slowly because I know you cannot read very fast. You won't know the house when you come home, we've moved.

About your Father, he has a lovely new job, he has 500 men under him, he's cutting the grass in the cemetery.

There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in, but it isn't working too good. Last week I put 14 shirts into it, pulled the chain, and I have not seen them since.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning. I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle. Uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whisky in Dublin Brewery.

Some of his mates dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely.We cremated his body and it took 3 days for the fire to go out.

Your Father didn't have much to drink at xmas, I put a bottle of castor oil in his beer, it kept him going till New year...cont

Mindy



Joined: 27/10/2008
Posts: 1210

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 20:20

Irish letter cont..

I went to the Doctor on Thursday and your Father came with me, The Doctor put a small glass tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for 10 minutes, your Father offered to buy it from him.

It only rained twice last week, first for 3 days and then for 4 days. Monday it was so windy that one of our chickens laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the Undertaker. He said if we don't pay the last instalment on your grandmother within 7 days, up she comes.

Your loving Mother

PS. I was going to send you 10 quid but I already sealed the envelope

joseph


Joined: 17/04/2008
Posts: 709

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 20:27

Englisman, Scot and Irishman end up shipwrecked on adesert island.



The Englishman finds a lamp and rubbing it out pops a genie to offer three wishes, one each.



The English guy asks to be back in England, owner of his own castle, a beautiful wife with servants to look after him and pots of money in the bank.

A puff of smoke and all he wished for is done...



The Scot asks to be the owner of the biggest brewery in Edinburgh, girls chasing him and a bank account the envy of the city.

A puff of smoke and all he wished for is done...



The Irish guy thinks for a while, then tells the Genie he is real lonely...

and wishes his mates were back...



Joseph

rowlo



Joined: 12/10/2008
Posts: 4796

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 20:58

MACHA AND JULIET ????????????????

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 21:03

Sorry rowlo,they dont count the're old jokes.



I wonder if they regenerate like Dr Who -maybe they'll come back as Daleks and exterminate us all????

rowlo



Joined: 12/10/2008
Posts: 4796

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 21:06

hi stevie, they are new names , so theyve gotta be new jokes lol//////

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 21:28

Mess 49

It's life, rowlo, but not as we know it - think problem with the new jokes is that they've had their sense of humour clinically removed.



Ouch



.... Ken Dodd also used the analogy - what is a husband?



..... a man with the nerve removed

cheers to all,Steve

Yvonne



Joined: 16/05/2008
Posts: 273

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 21:30

Son asked his mother the following question:



'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies,



'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'



The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.



'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'



The father looks at his son in surprise and says,



'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 22:13

hiya stevie msg 48 they wont exterinate they will exfoliate exfoliate exfoliate. I have had such a laugh today with all your jokes thank you so much xxxxxxx. Its a wet monday in cyprus what a way to start your day thank you stevie xxxxxxx

W.McGregor


Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 11

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 22:25

An oldie but goodie,

A little old man totters into a chemist to buy viagra: "Can I have 6 tablets? And I need them cut into quarters."



"I could cut them for you," said the chemist, "but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection."



"I am 96 years old," said the old man, "I don't have much use for an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers."

skybluesam


Joined: 24/12/2008
Posts: 447

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 22:37

An old midget mate of mine got pickpocketed this morning, how could anybody stoop so low!

W.McGregor


Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 11

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 22:56

A woman tries hard to seduce her husband, so she sits opposite him with only crotchless panties on, and spreads her legs.



The husband looks over and asks in a suprised voice "are you wearing crotchless panties"



She replies "yes i am" and he says "thank god for that i thought the sofa had burst"

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
23/02/2009 23:46

what do you call a pygmy covered in cement ?

A wee hard man.................

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
24/02/2009 00:20

Mess 52,trust you are well Lilli, rain you just had is the leftovers from UK - it only rains 3 times here - morning,noon and night,cheers,Steve x

Yvonne



Joined: 16/05/2008
Posts: 273

Message Posted:
24/02/2009 00:30

My cousin in Canada sent me this, very funny:



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6P2w5GkXmU

w26kay



Joined: 14/10/2007
Posts: 479

Message Posted:
24/02/2009 00:42

Yvonne that was absolutely brilliant, thank you for posting it. I can relate to that as a child and parent too. It was so funny.x

Yvonne



Joined: 16/05/2008
Posts: 273

Message Posted:
24/02/2009 01:01

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5j-TgCtCJW8

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
24/02/2009 01:02

Mess 58.Is it Juliet singing this - hence the subtitles - why are they not in greek?

good stuff,better than NN,at least if you can have a laugh you're sending out good vibes.....bemeyupScotty

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
24/02/2009 01:05

Yvonne,mess 61 great - where did you find this gem? cheers Steve

Yvonne



Joined: 16/05/2008
Posts: 273

Message Posted:
24/02/2009 01:09

Steve, think it was once again my cousin in Toronto - he's got a great soh! Got an even better one re 'Manflu' - will send it on!

Yvonne



Joined: 16/05/2008
Posts: 273

Message Posted:
24/02/2009 01:11

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OiyZyXel03Q

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
24/02/2009 09:23

Yvonne,nice one.Cant beat a bit of humour given all the doom and gloom on here.



Here's another -



Greek man of war in med 4000 years ago,and the captain going round with a cat and nine tails lashing all the slaves....



...suddenly,one slave collapses over his oar and dies....



Captain,then goes round lashing more than ever....



....bloke turns to him,and says "this chap next to me just died because of your behaviour".....



...the captain says "I know,but I always have a whip round when someone dies".

cheers,Steve

viper


Joined: 14/07/2008
Posts: 119

Message Posted:
24/02/2009 15:54

The dog is truly man's best friend.

Not convinced?

Put your dog and wife in the boot of your car for an hour.

When you open it,see who's happy to see you.

batterboy58



Joined: 20/04/2008
Posts: 442

Message Posted:
24/02/2009 18:33

A baby polar bear said to his mum, "Mum, am I a real Polar Bear"?

His mum said "I'm busy go and ask your father.

So the baby polar bear went to his father and said "Dad, am I a real Polar Bear"?

His father said, "I'm busy, go and ask your Gran.

So the baby polar bear went to his gran and said, "Gran, am I a real Polar Bear"?

His Gran said, "Of course you are a real Polar Bear, why do you ask that"?







"Because I'm bloody freezing"!

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
24/02/2009 18:56

Hi Yvonne Kasy and Steve. That was brilliant Yvonne. Its good to have a laugh. Paddy went into the Pizza Parlour ordered his pizza, the waitress said would you like your pizza cut into 6 slices or 8, Oh just 6 replies Paddy I dont think I could eat 8.Paddy comes home and finds his wife in bed with his best friend Seamus. He is so upset and took out a gun and points it at his own head. i cant take this he says I going to shoot myself.At this the wife bursts out laughing, I dont know why you find this so funny says Paddy your next.Mind you 30 Bt employees are not finding irish jokes very funny, they alll got sacked for emailing an irish joke around the office. PC gone made particulary when the irish are the first to laugh at them selves. Now it seems laughter is becoming a crime xxxxxx

Arthur


Joined: 04/11/2008
Posts: 687

Message Posted:
24/02/2009 20:35

Attractive woman goes to her boss to complain about another member of staff- "every hour, on the hour, Tony stands close to me and says , your hair smells nice" she says.



"I know it may be annoying, but it's hardly anything that appears to be a justifiable complaint. Who is Tony, I can't place him", says her boss.



"He's the dwarf who works in Stores"

Arthur


Joined: 04/11/2008
Posts: 687

Message Posted:
24/02/2009 20:44

Two Irish couples agree to swap partners for the evening. After three sweaty hours of furious lovemaking, Paddy turns to Mick and says "I wonder how the women are getting on"

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
24/02/2009 21:11

Napoleon visited a hospital after a battle,goes to first soldier in a wheelchair as he has lost both legs -"what are you going to do when discharged?" enquires Nap - "put a sword in my hand,wheel me to the front and I'll fight for you again,Emporor", says the soldier.



Napoleon goes to next bed,soldier arms and legs all missing - "whats first thing you're going to do when you get discharged" says Nap. "put a sword between my teeth,and I'll be at the front fighting for you Emporor "



Napoleon goes to the third bed.... and there is just a head...



"blimey,you're in a bad way",says Napoleon - "what are you going to do when you get discharged"



"bugger off,you silly looking pratt,",the soldier lambasts Napoleon,who turns to the nurse and says ......

... "whats crabbing him then?"



... nurse replies .. "he's a bit off today,he's just had all his teeth out".

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
24/02/2009 22:28

steve where do you get them all from. i can never ever remember the punchline but i do know some rude ones which im too much of a lady to post. You will have to meet me and I will tell you xxxxx

W.McGregor


Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 11

Message Posted:
24/02/2009 23:13

Little Billy asks his Dad for a tele in his room. He reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks "Dad, whats love juice ?"

Dad looks horrified and proceeds to tell Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth wide open in amazement.

Dad says "So what were you watching up there ?"

Billy says "Wimbledon" !

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
24/02/2009 23:15

good one xxxxx

W.McGregor


Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 11

Message Posted:
24/02/2009 23:18

One man says to his mate in a pub "have you ever tried the Rodeo position with your wife" the other guy says "whats that then" he replies "well its when your making love to your wife in the doggy position and then you reach down, grab her breasts and say these feel just like your sisters".

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
24/02/2009 23:21

Come on Lilli dont be shy,I'm sure a few of the guys and gals wont mind a few ******'s . I know a few of Bernard Manning's but too bad for everybody ... wait till I see you dear,cheers Steve

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
24/02/2009 23:29

stevie i have a status to condider however i tell my customers jokes all the time but only when i know i can get away with it. cant wait to meet you and share a joke or a bottle. Are you ok now you can always email me if you need a chat. i understandxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

spider


Joined: 03/01/2009
Posts: 5527

Message Posted:
24/02/2009 23:33

oh,dont stop,please, laugh,am near on dying.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

















spider.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
24/02/2009 23:37

spider i would get a life ban xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx i have status here so if they ban me nobody would know lilli any more but i will tell all face to face. i have laughed so much at the jokes xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
25/02/2009 00:37

Lilli,I think it depends on the recipient of the joke dear?



Whats 6 inch long and got an arrow through it??



















....Custers last stand

Tell you what,if you didn't laugh you'd go mad ...maybe I already have ,haha



You know who invented the laughing teeth ? Rumour has it Steve West's grandad who was watching Blackpool playing football,when he laughed that much his nashers dropped out and were last seen retreating under the stand at 50mph.... not a lot of people know that,may your god go with you.

regards to all,Steve

Jovial_John


Joined: 31/01/2009
Posts: 1024

Message Posted:
25/02/2009 09:42

A Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license and is told he has to take an eye test. The examiner shows him an eye chart with the letters:



C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z



"Can you read this?" the examiner asks.



"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know him!"

Jovial_John


Joined: 31/01/2009
Posts: 1024

Message Posted:
25/02/2009 10:06

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes. She explains she’s from the weight loss company and says "I’m Julie - if you can catch me you can have me". Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.



He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and it’s the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. (cont.....)

Jovial_John


Joined: 31/01/2009
Posts: 1024

Message Posted:
25/02/2009 10:07

.....

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and she says "I’m Sue - if you catch me you can have me". Well, he's after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze. So for the next four days, the same routine happens. On the fifth day he weighs himself and discovers that he has lost another 20 lb.



He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door; opening it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man wearing nothing but pink running shoes. He says "I’m Francis - if I catch you, you're mine..."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
25/02/2009 10:31

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
25/02/2009 10:32

This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.



"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.



The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.



Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.



"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness.



That makes things grow."



Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.



He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.



"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.



"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
25/02/2009 10:32

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.



"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"



"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".



Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.



"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
25/02/2009 10:36

There were two gay guy living together. One was more feminine and the other more masculine.



The masculine one lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real problem for him. So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and if there was something he could do about.



Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy, and really the only thing he could try to stimulate hair growth was to smother Vaseline all over his chest daily and perhaps the skin would become stimulated enough to produce hair.

The masculine homosexual was elated. He went immediately home and smothered his chest in Vaseline.

When his partner came home and jumped into bed with him, he felt the Vaseline and asked, "What in the hell are you doing?"

The masculine one explained what the doctor said and waited for comment from his partner. Finally, his partner said,

"Don't you think if that was true that you would have a "pony tail" coming out of your a**e by now?

batterboy58



Joined: 20/04/2008
Posts: 442

Message Posted:
25/02/2009 11:50

A Priest, a Pedophile and a Rapist walk into a pub.

Sadly, they were all the same person.

batterboy58



Joined: 20/04/2008
Posts: 442

Message Posted:
25/02/2009 11:51

Q: What did One gay sperm say to another?

A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

batterboy58



Joined: 20/04/2008
Posts: 442

Message Posted:
25/02/2009 11:56

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?



A: What was she doing away from the kitchen anyway?

Al the Badger


Joined: 06/02/2008
Posts: 130

Message Posted:
25/02/2009 17:04

why did the baker have brown hands?



Because he kneaded a poo!!!

gillybean


Joined: 22/10/2007
Posts: 68

Message Posted:
25/02/2009 17:47

Guy in wine bar took a swig of his drink, then flew out of the window, round the building & back to the bar, woman says to him "how do you do that ?"

the man says "it's magic beer" the woman takes a swig and jumps out of the window to her death.

The bar man turns to the man and says Superman you're a B!!!!!!!!!d when your drunk. ...........

Jonesy299


Joined: 07/02/2009
Posts: 367

Message Posted:
25/02/2009 19:38

Mental asylum orderly is trying to calm the patients down after one of them is stamping up and down with a big hat on and shouting..



"I'm Napoleon..I'm Napoleon!!"



"Who the hell told you that you are Napoleon?" says the orderly



"Winston Churchill did" he replies



A voice from the back of the inmates shouts "No I bloody didn't!!"

Jonesy299


Joined: 07/02/2009
Posts: 367

Message Posted:
25/02/2009 19:38

Before No1 Doyen picks me up... I've just repeated one of her jokes (worth it though... great joke!!)

Jonesy299


Joined: 07/02/2009
Posts: 367

Message Posted:
25/02/2009 19:39

A bloke invites some of his mates back to his house to crash out after an all night drinking session.



One of them notices a large gong hanging in the hallway and asks what its for?



"It'sh my clock" the house owner slurs



"A clock.. how does it tell the time?" his mates ask



"Watch and learn" say the owner and he bangs the gong really loudly



Across the street a bedroom window flies open and a man shouts "Who the f*** is banging a gong at 4:15 in the bloody morning!!!"

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
25/02/2009 21:34

Bunch of lunatics go into a pub for a night out.



The head carer goes to the landlord and says look they will give us milk bottle tops,beer can rings and silver paper for their drinks - dont woory I'll settle up at the end of the night.



Everyone was staggering out at chucking out time ,and the landlord approached the carer - are you going to settle up then?......





.... certainly - have you got change for a dustbin lid?

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
26/02/2009 10:03

The head doctors in a lunatic asylum have a meeting and decide that one of their patients is potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the movies.

When they get to the movie theater, there are 'wet paint' signs pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down but the patient puts a newspaper down first and then sits down.

The doctors get all excited because they think he may be in touch with reality now. So they ask him: "Why did you put the newspaper down first?"

He answers: "So I'd be higher and have a better view."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
26/02/2009 10:05

A sex therapist was doing research at the local college when one of the male volunteers told him: "When I get it in part way, my vision blurs. And when I get it all the way in, I can't see a thing.



"Hmmm…that's an interesting optical reaction to sex," said the researcher. "Would you mind if I had a look at it?"



So the volunteer struck out his tongue.

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
26/02/2009 12:40

Hear about the irishman that thought that Eartha Kitt was gardening equipment?

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
26/02/2009 12:52

...or the Gynaecologist who decorated his hallway through the letterbox....



(the old one's are the best)

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
27/02/2009 01:33

Heard the clean Manning joke about Rastus,Liza and the Bo Bo flies - assume the appropriate accent,as both reside in darkest Africa and the Bo Bo flies are very rare and only found around monkey's b****s.



One day Liza spots the flies,flying round Rastus' head



"hey Rastus,whats those Bo Bo flies,flying round your headddddd?"



" Liza,are you insinuating that my face looks like monkeys b****s?"



" I aint saying nothing Rastus,....but you sure can't fool those Bo Bo flies"

rowlo



Joined: 12/10/2008
Posts: 4796

Message Posted:
27/02/2009 02:02

wife asked me for fifty quid for a new bra , i said what do you want a new bra for youve nothing to put in it ?? shook her head and said you wear pants dont you .

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
27/02/2009 09:56

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.



She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'



'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

#1, you have to be single and

#2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,

'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
27/02/2009 09:56

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.



But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'



The nun says, 'That's OK.

My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!!'

Pearlbayer


Joined: 06/10/2008
Posts: 204

Message Posted:
27/02/2009 13:31

Bloke goes into the docs and says" I think I'm an AA man"



Doc says" I think your heading for a breakdown"

Pearlbayer


Joined: 06/10/2008
Posts: 204

Message Posted:
27/02/2009 13:52

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."

He replied, "No, just having a sh*t."

SaraP


Joined: 30/04/2008
Posts: 295

Message Posted:
27/02/2009 14:28

When a woman had a sex change and became a man, she was told she had balls!

Steve1953



Joined: 04/12/2008
Posts: 298

Message Posted:
27/02/2009 17:18

Sister Dominic was called to see the Mother Superior who said "Sister Dominic,I understand that you had a man in your room last night".



"I admit it," said Sister Dominic - "but he was a Saint"



"How can you know that dear Sister" enquired the Mother Superior



"Well he had St Michael in his underpants " came the reply

Pearlbayer


Joined: 06/10/2008
Posts: 204

Message Posted:
27/02/2009 17:52

I had a mate who was suicidal.

He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits..

SteveAustin



Joined: 10/03/2008
Posts: 202

Message Posted:
03/03/2009 22:01

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."



Mike.

W.McGregor


Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 11

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 20:15

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.



He immediately tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is correct," says the doctor.



He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks. "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "That's right," replies the doctor.



He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

keithcaley



Joined: 13/06/2008
Posts: 2521

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 22:16

Well, if the tone is being lowered, here we go:

Lady Patient "Kiss me, Doctor, Kiss me"

Doctor,"No, I can't, it would be Un-Professional"

Lady Patient "Oh please Doctor, Kiss me!"

Doctor "NO, I've told you, it would be Un-Professional"

Lady Patient "Oh please, please please, Doctor, Kiss me!"

Doctor "Look, I've already told you, it would be Un-Professional - By rights I shouldn't even be F***ing you!"



Sorry...

keithcaley



Joined: 13/06/2008
Posts: 2521

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 22:24

And then there was the Lady who went to the clinic for Artificial Insemination.

After disrobing and getting on the couch, she heard a loud crash, and the tinkle of breaking glass from behind the screen.

The consultant appeared, took his clothes off, and proceeded to mount her.

She says "But Doctor, I came for Artificial Insemination, I didn't want any personal contact...

He replied " I'm sorry, bottled is off - you'll have to have draught!"



If that doesn't get me banned, they're all asleep!



Keith.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 22:30

Patient to sue Plastic Surgeon as her nipples aren't even - They looked alright to me" he said.......





http://img65.imageshack.us/my.php?image=boobjobsf3.jpg

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 22:33

A man owned a small farm. The Low Pay Commission claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an official out to interview him.



'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the official.



'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.



Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. '



"That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit," says the official.



'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

spider


Joined: 03/01/2009
Posts: 5527

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 22:43

thanks ya,all,keep at it,god you are all a laugh,xx

















spider,

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 22:48

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of frozen soft-shell crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator/freezer, which she did.



The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.



Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise his hand?'



Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them herself.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 23:00

When Madonna first moved to England she said she wanted to feel more English.



She is now an unmarried, single mother with three kids from different fathers, one of them black.



Job done.

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 23:02

Margret mary was in a catholic school and very bored with he teaching so she feel asleep constsantlry. One day it was religious education, the nun in charge asked the question who created the world and i address this to margaret may her litle friend behind saw she wa asleeep and poked her in the butt with hus pencil her reply God almighty. Well done said the nun. Now MM who was his son and our saviour. she wa asleep again another prick with his pencil in he butt and she replied Jesus Christ. Correct said the nun and as you are so knowelagble what didd eve say after the birth of her 23rd child. on which margret mart turned arooun and said IF YOU PUT THAAT IN MY ARSE ONE MORE TIME I WILL BOIL YOUR BALLS XXXXX

Blackpoolfan


Joined: 03/12/2008
Posts: 1568

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 23:36

The 3 shepherd's attend the special birth in Jerusalem, as one of them was leaving he bumped his head on a low beam.



"Jesus Christ,that b........ hurt " he shouted.....



Joseph replied that a good name - we were going to call him Fred.

Turtle


Joined: 28/05/2007
Posts: 2669

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 23:44

Nick, 118..........very funny

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
09/03/2009 11:00

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust... The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'. The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door...

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
09/03/2009 11:00

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina'.......... 'Yes' she says........ The man replies Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours'?

segmen


Joined: 05/12/2008
Posts: 120

Message Posted:
13/03/2009 20:10

man visiting his dad at "old peoples home"

he asks how he is....

but dad has something in his mind that he must tell his son.....

he says

can you please ask that nurse why are they giving me a viagre pills at night??

nurse replies...

so he does'nt roll down the bed during the night



hope you enjoyed it.......

segmen


Joined: 05/12/2008
Posts: 120

Message Posted:
13/03/2009 20:46

cyprus problem has been solved

Yvonne



Joined: 16/05/2008
Posts: 273

Message Posted:
16/03/2009 22:23

One for Paddy's Day:

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ... your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ... ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent....

Yvonne



Joined: 16/05/2008
Posts: 273

Message Posted:
16/03/2009 22:23

When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."



Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me ... I've quit drinking!"