Arranged Marriages

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
06/03/2009 10:41

Arranged marriages have, largely in the last century, become unusual and morally questioned in the Western world.



Are arranged marriages is an insult to the very nature of marriage, which should be about creating a loving and lasting partnership and family, or



are are they ‘real’ marriages, where they involve choice in the whole families are involved together in both considering the best options and in helping to achieve what is wanted?

fire starter


Joined: 19/06/2008
Posts: 3401

Message Posted:
06/03/2009 10:55

morning doyen

i think different cultures do different things.

i have seen indian arranged marriages where the have only ever seen the partner once or in a photo.

i think this is wrong and heading for trouble.

lots of my tc friends have arranged marriages for their kids, but it is done in a different way and with the consent of the kids.

they wouldn't just marry them off for money or the sake of it.

one of our closest friends has just arranged the marriage of his daughter.

she has for years said not to anyone they suggested but has finaly gone home and told them she has found someone.

our friends came to us for christmas dinner and the proposed new hubby was instructed to pop in.

he is a lovely guy but i did feel sorry for him, he was under total scrutiny.

i'm sure they will be very happy as his other two girls are, but they have been very carefull in their choices.

we did once joke, what about an english hubby for her, you can imagine the responce!

we are looking forward to

elko2



Joined: 24/07/2007
Posts: 4400

Message Posted:
06/03/2009 11:36

I went to England in 1961 and I remember very well a book which I noticed at Wood Green Public Library in London in 1962. It was a book by world famous Mathematcian, Philosopher Bertrand Russel and he advocated that couples should live together for a while before deciding to get married. In 1962, 30 odd years ago this idea was so radical even for England. I thought about it and it made sense to me but like every good idea it had other drawbacks too.



Now it is socially acceptable to have children outside marriages or to have "partners", i.e. no marriage bond, but this is not the case yet in Cyprus. It is bound to happen in Cyprus too. Does this make a happier society as a whole? I think its six on one side and half a dozen on the other.



Now let us look at arranged marriages. In the old days people would marry people they never saw before. Their expectations in life were so different, so it did work. Now in Cyprus I suspect about 20% of marriages are arranged but that does

elko2



Joined: 24/07/2007
Posts: 4400

Message Posted:
06/03/2009 11:39

not mean that they do not meet. They have a chance to get to know each other for a few months, then they take another step and get engaged and usually that takes another year before the official marriage bond. So its not really an arranged marriage in the strict sense. Let us say it is an encouraged marriage. My information from the courts is that "encouraged" marriages is lss likely to end in divorce.

ismet

fire starter


Joined: 19/06/2008
Posts: 3401

Message Posted:
06/03/2009 11:52

i agree elko

we have watched our friend regarding his daughters marriage and we feel she has chosen with the blessing of her family.

both her sisters are already married and we love to hear the stories on how they won over our friend to marry his girls.

one went to the house and stood outside for many nights, he clearly wanted to marry the girl, but at first her dad was not sure , as his concerns were the boy had quite a dangerous job and he didn't want any heart break later for his daughter.

after a few weeks he gave in as he realised the guy was genuine.

i think lots of these marriages work in cyprus because even if both parents work when they have kids, they still can rely on the grandparents to look after the kids.

so they always get quality time together.

something which isn't always available in the uk.

phylray



Joined: 21/09/2007
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
06/03/2009 14:01

I agree Elkan. It is about expectations. If you know nothing else you expect

an arranged marriage if brought up in a society that does this.

My own mother-in-law never saw her husband before her marriage (he

saw her once, when he was allowed a glimpse through a curtain as she shopped with her mother. She was 13 and he 19. Their marriage lasted

because it had to, and they had sons & a daughter, but love did grow & I

think they were happy in their ways.

Not sure I like this partner business. Seems like a reluctance to commit

Not good for children, and to me they are they most important to think about

rather than adults.

MsGarnet


Joined: 04/01/2009
Posts: 989

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 14:33

Elko 2 - not sure I would take any advice about relationships seriously from the four times married, forever unfaithful Bertrand Russell. He had no moral high ground in any context, gave in to his desires with no regard to the humiliation to his wives or children, or the great distress and emotional damage he caused. He was clearly a polymath, but also a very selfish, tunnel visioned man in his personal life.

phylray



Joined: 21/09/2007
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 17:27

Bertie Russell may have been immoral in his personal life, judging by

Christian/religious standards, but that is not to say he had no 'moral high

ground' He was part of the movement against nuclear armaments if I

remember rightly and marched with CND.

After first wife the other 3 must have known what they were dealing with, and free love was known to exist then. I remember my cousin dating a Swedish girl, who was received kindly by our family, but whispers were that they practised it!

elko2



Joined: 24/07/2007
Posts: 4400

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 17:59

MsGarnet,

Bertrand Russel may have been a rascal but he was a philosopher too. You can say that Einstein was a rascal too becaue of the way he treated and eventually divorced his wife but that did not detract anything from his scientific work and specially the theory of relativity. Indeed some people call it "theory of relative titty" because I think he divorced his wife and married her sister who was better endowed.

ismet

Quarmby


Joined: 15/09/2008
Posts: 975

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 18:29

elko

what is the position when a couple are introduced to each other by the families and then start a courtship for a few months but after awhile they decide they are not suited, do they just part or are there problems with this?

MsGarnet


Joined: 04/01/2009
Posts: 989

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 20:28

phylray



Point taken, as regards CND marches; relationships were more what I was criticising Russell for.

phylray



Joined: 21/09/2007
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 20:32

Yes, I certainly would not have liked to be married to someone with that

philosophy, but I wonder if some of the wives were also into it??

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
07/03/2009 20:39

Quarmby. I think they just part.