Neg Nick's joke page

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
19/03/2009 22:29

I'm back ! - a few jokes to cheer everyone up...





My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.



Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, informing me that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing somewhere in bedford because of bad weather.



Thank God the kids weren't with her.



The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.



The absence of a post-crash fire was most likely due to insufficient fuel on board.



No one on the ground was injured.



The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.



She was really, really lucky.



http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v704/Helfa/crash.jpg

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
19/03/2009 22:30

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in

the Afghanistan Desert . During his first inspection of the outfit, he

noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.



He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men

here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges".

That's why we have Molly The Camel."



The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand

about "urges", so the camel can stay ."



About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy

with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting

a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his

pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks

the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"



"No not really, sir..They usually just ride the camel into town

where the girls are."

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
19/03/2009 22:33

A middle-aged man bought a brand new BMW soft top. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 90mph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. This is great,' he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.



But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue and red lights flashing. I can get away from him with no problem' thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 130mph to escape being stopped.



Then he thought, 'What the hell am I doing?



I'm too old for this kind of thing' and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him. The Policeman pulled in behind the Beemer and walked up on the driver's side.



'Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'



The man looked back at the Policeman and said, 'Last week my wife r

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
19/03/2009 22:34

'Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back.'



The Policeman said, 'Have a nice day.'

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
19/03/2009 22:45

Guess who I bumped into today at Specsavers?



Bl**dy Everyone!





Pickpockets have been targeting midgets





................... how can they stoop so low.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
19/03/2009 22:46

Harry Redknapp sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker. One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. The Tottenham manager flies out to Baghdad to watch him play and is suitably impressed, and arranges for him to come over to England.



Two weeks later Tottenham Hotspurs are 3-0 down to Arsenal with only 20 minutes to go. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and sends him on.



The lad is a sensation, he scores 4 goals in the remaining 20 minutes and wins the game for Spurs! The fans are delighted, the players and coachers are ecstatic , and the media all fall in love with the new star. When the lad comes off the pitch he phones home to tell his mum about his first day in English football.



'Hello Mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 3-0 down but I scored 4 goals and we won the match. Everyone loves me; the fans, the media, the manager, they all call

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
19/03/2009 22:47

they all call me a hero!'



'Wonderful,' says his mum sarcastically. 'Well, just let me tell you about my day; Your father got shot in the street by masked men, your sister was abducted and assaulted, I was robbed in the street on the way back from the market, and your brother has run off and joined an armed gang.'



With this news the young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, except I'm sorry.'



'SORRY??!' exclaims his mum. 'SORRY?! It's your fault we all moved to Tottenham in the first place!

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
19/03/2009 22:53

ok one more:



For centuries Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy has recently revealed the true story.



When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a corner shop, a petrol station, a takeaway, a taxi cab or a doctors practice.



If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with 'techinical support'

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/03/2009 22:55

Good jokes Nick - the old ones are the best )

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
19/03/2009 23:26

great Nic you are back with avengance. Keep them coming.xxx

taraspring


Joined: 25/01/2009
Posts: 571

Message Posted:
20/03/2009 00:37

Good to see you back Nic x

(was that me or the doll talking???)

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
20/03/2009 17:44

it's nice to be back Tara - thanks for the nice reply.





Nick

kaiserphil


Joined: 14/12/2008
Posts: 1096

Message Posted:
20/03/2009 18:20

Nick, old or new they are good for a laugh, so keep 'em coming!

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
21/03/2009 14:31

Dyslexic kid asks his mum for a McDonalds.



She says, you can have one if you can spell it ?.



Stuff it, he says,



I'll have a KCF.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
21/03/2009 14:37

Sign over a Gynaecologist’s Office:



'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'



**************************



In a Podiatrist's office:



'Time wounds all heels.'



**************************



On a Septic Tank Truck:



Yesterday's Meals on Wheels



**************************



On a Plumber's truck:



'We repair what your husband fixed.'



**************************



On another Plumber's truck:



'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'



**************************



On a Church's Bill board:



'7 days without God makes one weak.'



**************************



At a Tyre Store



'Invite us to your next blowout.'



**************************



On an Electrician's truck:



'Let us remove your shorts.'



**************************



In a Non-smoking Area:



'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'



**************************



On a Maternity Room door:



'Push. Push. Push.'



***********************

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
21/03/2009 14:38

At an Optometrist's Office:



'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'



**************************



On a Taxidermist's window:



'We really know our stuff.'



**************************



On a Fence:



'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'



**************************



At a Car Dealership:



'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'



**************************



Outside a Car Muffler Repair Store:



'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming..'



**************************



In a Vets waiting room:



'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'



**************************



In a Restaurant window:



'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'



**************************



In the front yard of a Funeral Home:



'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'



**************************



And don't forget the sign at a Radiator Shop:



'Best place in town to take a leak.'

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
21/03/2009 14:39

And my favorite:



Sign on the back of yet another Septic Tank Truck:



'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
21/03/2009 14:41

...this is a true story. It happened to a friend of mine. She was seriously ill, just out of hospital, in bed at home. She awoke to find her husband sitting at the foot of her bed, his head was in his hands.



She struggled to speak, to comfort him but couldn't say much, just a soft little moan to let him know she was awake. He turned his troubled face towards her and said....



"Are you going to cook tea tonight or what...?"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
21/03/2009 14:53

A man staggers into the hospital emergency department with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it– stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt.” “That’s when I made my big mistake.” “What did you do?” asks the doctor.“Well, I lifted the cow’s tail again and yelled to my wife, “Hey, this looks like yours!” “I don’t remember much after that!”

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
21/03/2009 14:54

Pat was in her front garden watering her roses when her husband John came out of the house and rushed straight to the mailbox, opened it, looked in,t hen slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. As Cindy was getting ready to prune the roses, John came back out to the mailbox, opened it, felt all the way to the back,and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her husband’s actions Cindy asked him, “Is something wrong darling?”To which he replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL..”

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
21/03/2009 14:54

An ambitious young blonde woman, in need of money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type. She began, door to door, canvassing a wealthy area for work. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”The blonde said, “How about £50?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.“You’re finished already?” he asked.“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the £50.“And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari..”

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
21/03/2009 14:55

A professor at University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. Getting a feel for his students, he asks “How many of you believe in ghosts?” About 80 of his students raised their hands. “That’s a good start I suppose. Those of you who believe in ghosts, how many have actually seen a ghost?” About 30 students raise their hands.“That’s good. I’m really glad you’re taking this seriously. Ok, has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” About a dozen students raise their hands.“That’s a great response. Has anyone ever touched a ghost?” Two students raise their hands. “That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one last question… have any of you ever made love to a ghost.?

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
21/03/2009 14:56

”One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He removes his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, in all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever actually claimed to have slept with a ghost. Why don’t you come up here and tell us about it.” The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.”The student replies, “Ghost? Oh… I thought you said ‘goats’!”

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
21/03/2009 15:00

Paddy walks through town one day when he spots an interesting looking box in a shop window.

He enters the shop, grabs the box and gives it a shake.

Paddy thinks to himself 'God, this must be some sort of million piece jigsaw'. He buys the jigsaw.

When he arrives home, he pours the jigsaw out accross the table. But all of the pieces are the same. Paddy tries turning them over but they still all look the same. So he decides to ring up his mate Patrick.

'Hello Patrick?'

'Hello Paddy!'

'Patrick I've got a bit of a problem. I've bought this million piece jigsaw and all of the pieces look the same.....

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
21/03/2009 15:01

'Well have you tried turning them over Paddy?'

'Yes,yes I've tried that andthey still all look the same.'

'OK I'll come round to your house in a minute, but tell me one more thing, what's on the front of the box?'

'Oh, some sort of cockerel.'

When Patrick arrives at Paddy's, he takes him through to the living room where the jigsaw is laid out accross the table.

'You see Patrick, this is my million piece jigsaw with all the pieces that look the same.'

And Patrick says....

'Paddy,that's a box of corn flakes!!!'

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
21/03/2009 15:03

I got stopped by a copper while i was going along the m25 i stopped opened the window and he said this is a spot check so i replied i've got 2 blackheads and a boil on my a***

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
21/03/2009 15:05

There was a man on the bus and he was sitting down when a fat lady said 'if u were a gentleman you would stand up and let someone else sit down'and he said 'and if you werent so fat you would stand up and let 4 people sit down'

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
21/03/2009 15:07

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some Ba****** has stolen our tent!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
21/03/2009 15:13

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR BOSS

1 When you take a long time, you're slow.

When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

2 When you don't do it, you're lazy.

When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

3 When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.

When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

4 When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.

When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

5 When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.

When your boss does it, he's being firm.

6 When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.

When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

7 When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.

When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

8 When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.

When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

9 When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.

When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
21/03/2009 15:17

A man walks in to a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm and said a pint please the landlord added and 1 for the road

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
21/03/2009 15:19

The local pub was so sure that its landlord was the strongest man around that it offered a standing £1,000 bet that no could beat him. The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed. Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.........

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
21/03/2009 15:20

After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.

Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"

"No" the man replied, "I work for the Inland Revenue."

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
22/03/2009 00:01

all gems Doyen - well done !





Nick

pilgrim



Joined: 11/05/2007
Posts: 1404

Message Posted:
22/03/2009 20:44

They said she was only a beginner on the ski slopes, but bugger me, that Natasha Richardson went downhill fast!

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
22/03/2009 20:54

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'

and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.



You've done very well so far,' said Chris Tarrant, the shows presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.



Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'



'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'



'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'

A: Sparrow

B: Thrush

C: Magpie

D: Cuckoo



I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin '.



Mick called up his mate and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.



'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'



'Are you sure?'



'I'm fookin sure.'



Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'



'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris



'Dat it is, Sir.'

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
22/03/2009 20:55

There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed,

'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'



The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.



'Tell me, Paddy? how in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build it's own nest?



Paddy replied.........'Because he lives in a clock....

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
22/03/2009 20:58

Due to the credit crunch i'm now shopping in cheaper food outlets.



Have you tried the korean meatballs from Lidl?



I'm telling you they are the dog's bo**ocks......

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
22/03/2009 21:00

A blonde gets a job as a teacher. She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.



She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

You ok? she says.

Yes. he says.



You can go and play with the other kids you know. she says.

It is best I stay here. he says.

Why? says the blonde.



The boy says: Because I'm the bloody goalkeeper.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
22/03/2009 21:03

New Thailand airline poster....



http://img171.imageshack.us/my.php?image=phuketnw5.jpg

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
22/03/2009 21:07

While watching the olympic games last night I wondered if there was anything the chinese aren't any good at?



Then i suddenly remembered - cockle picking

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
22/03/2009 21:14

Paddy and Mick are in the pub enjoying a pint....



Mick says to Paddy "Im going on holiday tomorrow, is there any thing i can bring back for you"???



Paddy says "Too bloody right, bring me back 400 Benson and Hedges and i'll give you the money for them when you get back"



2 weeks later Paddy and Mick meet up at the same pub

Mick says "Ive got those ciggies you wanted"



Paddy says "Great, how much do i owe you"???



Mick says "£112.60"



Says Paddy "Bloody hell thats expensive, where did you go for you holiday"???



Mick says - "Butlins"