JOKE: Just for the men

MrAngry


Joined: 17/11/2008
Posts: 47

Message Posted:
20/03/2009 10:53

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.



What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Television

2) Telephone

3) Telawoman



What should you give a woman who has everything?

A man to show her how to work it.



Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.



How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.



Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

Because they don't have balls to scratch.



Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think men care.



If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?

Made her chain too long.



How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.



Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

MrAngry


Joined: 17/11/2008
Posts: 47

Message Posted:
20/03/2009 10:54

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'



How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.



Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.



If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.



What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.



Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90% ...

it's called a Wedding Cake.



Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
20/03/2009 10:58

In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires: "I'm leaving for the crusade. Here is the key to my wife's chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven't returned, you may use the key as I'm sure she will have needs."



The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe. He takes one last look at his castle and sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, "Stop! Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the wrong key."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
20/03/2009 10:59

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.



When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"



So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.



St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"



The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
20/03/2009 11:00

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.



She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on - very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"



The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
20/03/2009 11:01

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
20/03/2009 11:02

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
20/03/2009 11:03

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card..

tattlad


Joined: 13/12/2008
Posts: 479

Message Posted:
20/03/2009 11:53

Why do Women parachutists wear knickers ?............... so they don't whistle on the way down



Why do ballerina's wear tights ?................ so they don't stick to the floor when they do the splits..................................Cue abuse.........ha ha ha ha

charb


Joined: 17/03/2009
Posts: 188

Message Posted:
20/03/2009 13:30

Four nuns die, and stand in front of an angel guarding the gate of heaven. Thh angel says, you served he Lord a lifetime and granted heaven. But before entering heaven, you should confess your sins.



The first nun blushes and says, I... I touched a man's... you know... thing..



The angel smiles with understanding and says, the fingr you touched, go and wash it with the holy water, showing the fountain. Then turns to the second nun.



The second nun blushes even more, and says, I... I... hold it...



The angel, similarly, says the nun to wash her hand with the holy water. While he speaks, he notices that the third and the fourth nun swap places.



He turns to the nuns and asks, why did you swap?



The fourth nun say, I'd like to wash my mouth before she washes her poop.



PS Sorry for my poor English..