Joke: The Church Bells

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
25/03/2009 16:59

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

bazilbrush


Joined: 29/03/2008
Posts: 404

Message Posted:
25/03/2009 18:15

I saw 4 blokes walking across a cemetery carrying a coffin. Half an hour later I saw the same guys still walking around carrying the same coffin.

I thought, blimey, they've lost the plot.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
25/03/2009 18:34

First love





A young girl says to her boyfriend: 'You're the first man I've ever been with. Am I your first?'

'Possibly,' the boyfriend says. 'Were you in Weston-Super-Mare in 1993?'

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
25/03/2009 18:35

A real dog



Q: How do you know when you're really ugly?



A: Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
25/03/2009 18:36

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied: "I'm going to Las Vegas." He asked her why she was going. She told him: "I just found out that as a woman I can make £400 a night doing what I give you for free." He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch. His wife said: "And just where do you think you are going?" "I'm going too!" he replied. "Why?" she asked. "I want to see how you are going to live on £800 a year!"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
25/03/2009 18:37

A man and a woman are having dinner in a restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, spots that the man is slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. As the waitress watches, the man slides all the way under and out of sight. Still, the woman dining opposite him appears not to notice. Finally, the waitress comes over to the table and whispers discreetly to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." "No, he didn't," the woman calmly replies. "He just walked in the door."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
25/03/2009 18:38

A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings. The man picks up, listens for a second and says, 'How the hell would I know, you idiot? I'm not a weatherman,' before slamming down the receiver. 'Who was that?' asks his wife. 'Wrong number. It was some jerk asking if the coast was clear.'

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
25/03/2009 18:40

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down. The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available. The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed." "I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep. Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold." "OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard." Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold." The priest says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket." Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night." "You're right," says the priest. "Get your own blankets."

Dusterbruce


Joined: 03/08/2007
Posts: 1125

Message Posted:
25/03/2009 19:09

The new curate was hearing his first confessions, and was quite nervous. The parish priest had reasurred him all would be OK and there was a list of penances for a particular sin pinned up on the wall.



The first penitant confessed that she had carnal thoughts about her milkman. The curate looked at his list and told her to say 3 Hail Marys.



The second penitant, a little girl, confessed that she had taken a half crown from her mother's purse. The curate's list said her penance was to be to say three Our Fathers.



The third woman confessed that she had given her boss a blow-job. The embarrassment of this put the curate into a real panic which got worse when he could find nothing on the list for this sin. He was relieved to hear the housekeeper outside doing some cleaning, so he flung the confessional door open and shouted to her 'What does Fr Pat give for a blow-job?'



The housekeeper replied 'ten bob, or fifteen bob if I take my teeth out!!!