something to cheer you up...(joke)

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
01/05/2009 22:42

British NHS helplines have been inundated with calls from people asking for advice about swine flu and the systems have crashed.



In fact, some people have reported that when they have called, all they could get was crackling.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
01/05/2009 22:44

I think I've got swine flu......I keep coming out in Rashers. I went to the Doctor and he gave me some oinkment!!

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
01/05/2009 22:49

It had to happen...



http://s4.photobucket.com/albums/y132/finmows/?action=view¤t=jadedianamemorialtablet.jpg

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
01/05/2009 22:50

Thats bad Nick.

TheSaints



Joined: 28/01/2009
Posts: 1369

Message Posted:
01/05/2009 22:52

I don't believe it Nick is telling Porkies!!!!

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
01/05/2009 22:53

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a

well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.



'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes

of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in

high-powered vacuum cleaners.'



'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and

proceeded to close the door.



Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed

wide open.. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least

seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse

manure onto my hallway carpet.



'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure

from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'



I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a f*cking good

appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning....





What part of 'broke' don't you understand?'

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
01/05/2009 22:56

Paddy and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.



Paddy said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry, just follow me.'



He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whiskey.



Paddy said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'



Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers! '



They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'



The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.



They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.



Cont/d......

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
01/05/2009 22:58

At the tenth pub Paddy said 'Murphy, I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'



Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
01/05/2009 22:59

one from Gary Monger's Misus:



A new middle east crisis erupted when Dubai tv refused to show the "Flintstones" a spokesman said that Dubai people don't understand the humour, but those in Abu Dhabi do

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
01/05/2009 23:00

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol' mate, how we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"

Paddy says "Well Paddy, I'll cut one a ta' ears off my fookin pig, and ten we can tell 'em apart"

"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy stormed into the house.

"Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the ear offa my fookin pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with on one ear each. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"

"Well Paddy" said Paddy "I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll av two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear"

"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
01/05/2009 23:01

Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy again stormed into the house.



"Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!"



"How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"



"Ah tis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy "I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut ta tail offa my fookin pig, ten we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail."



"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
01/05/2009 23:01

Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more.



"PADDY!" shouted Paddy "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG AND NOW WE GOT TOW FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS !! HOW THE FOOK ARE WE EVER GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART?!."



"Ah fook it!" says Paddy "How's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one."

Tootie


Joined: 28/08/2008
Posts: 2037

Message Posted:
01/05/2009 23:06

Fookin ell thats funny no1 I like it alot!!!!

HA HA HA HA HA HA

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
01/05/2009 23:07

Tootie, glad you enjoyed it

Tootie


Joined: 28/08/2008
Posts: 2037

Message Posted:
01/05/2009 23:13

Cant stop reading it and nicks.

Nearly kill me evertime! LOL.

blinky



Joined: 07/12/2008
Posts: 187

Message Posted:
01/05/2009 23:40

dats a crakker doyen!!!

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
02/05/2009 19:59

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**





**'Hello?'**





**'Hi honey.**

**This is Daddy.**

**Is Mommy near the phone?'**





**'No, Daddy.**

**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**





**After a brief pause,**







**Daddy says,**

**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**







**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**

**Right now.'**







Brief Pause..





**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**

**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**

**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**

**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**













**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**





**A few minutes later**

**The little girl comes back to the phone.**











**'I did it, Daddy.'**







**'And what happened, honey?' **





'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes

on and ran around screaming.**











Cont/d.......

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
02/05/2009 20:00

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**

**And now she isn't moving at all!'**











**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**



**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**











**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**

**And into the swimming pool.**

**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**

**Last week to clean it.**



**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead..'**





*****Long Pause*****



























*****Longer Pause*****



















**Then Daddy says,**

























**'Swimming pool? ..........**





**Is this 486-5731?'*









**No, I think you have the wrong number........*

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
02/05/2009 20:03

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.

While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink.

The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.

The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:



A salt shaker,



A shot of Baileys,



A shot of lime juice.



The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue; next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth.

And finally you drink the lime juice.'

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK.

He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth........smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks........this is OK.



Cont'd.....

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
02/05/2009 20:05

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

1. In one second the sharp lime taste hits...

2. At two seconds the Baileys curdles.....

3. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like Consistency hits.....

4. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.

This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, Jesus what do you call that drink?'









She smiles widely at him and says, 'Bl*w J*b Revenge.'

The-Wicks


Joined: 27/05/2007
Posts: 2279

Message Posted:
02/05/2009 20:08

Nick - yet another "laugh out loud" here at The Wicks.

TheSaints



Joined: 28/01/2009
Posts: 1369

Message Posted:
02/05/2009 20:11

Now that one was funny nick, my wifes English is not too hot but I can't stop her laughing.

The-Wicks


Joined: 27/05/2007
Posts: 2279

Message Posted:
02/05/2009 20:16

TheSaints - I trust you did not have to demonstrate this joke to your good lady wife???



J