A Friday Joke....

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
15/05/2009 09:43

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children.

You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,

'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home. !

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
15/05/2009 09:44

Good One Bill xxxx

smithy


Joined: 17/07/2008
Posts: 5301

Message Posted:
15/05/2009 09:44

Good one Bill keep them coming

Sheila

The-Wicks


Joined: 27/05/2007
Posts: 2279

Message Posted:
15/05/2009 11:14

William! really.



Nice one mate,





Paul

kaiserphil


Joined: 14/12/2008
Posts: 1096

Message Posted:
15/05/2009 13:48

"Come on Fanny, I'm not staying here to be insulted"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
15/05/2009 13:52

kaiserphil - your cracking me up )

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
15/05/2009 14:02

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?" The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures, mouthing "EYE KNEE - THE RAKE."

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the heck was that?"

She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"

kaiserphil


Joined: 14/12/2008
Posts: 1096

Message Posted:
15/05/2009 14:05

Tee-hee! I'll send that to bags of people.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
15/05/2009 18:04

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were staying in The world's tallest hotel, some sixty storeys high. However, The lifts had completely broken down so they had to climb The stairs..

'Let's tell sad stories,' said The Englishman, 'and that will make climbing The stairs seem shorter.' So The Englishman told sad stories for thirty flights of stairs and then The Scotsman told sad stories for thirty more nights. Just as they neared The top, The Irishman said 'I've got The saddest story of all to tell. I've forgotten to collect The key to our room from The desk on The ground floor.'

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
15/05/2009 18:07

The President of Acme Toothbrushes is packing up his files and papers in anticipation of his Friday afternoon round of golf, when suddenly his desk intercom buzzes.

"There's a gentleman here to see you, sir," his secretary says. "He's here for the sales position."

Grumbling unhappily, the President tells the secretary to send the man in. In walks this man who is short, ugly, balding, and speaking with a strange harelip. "I'm here for the job," he says.

"Fine" says the President. "You have a one week trial period. Pick up the toothbrushes outside." With that, he leaves.

One week later, the short man shows up again. "Well?" says the CEO.

"Not so good, sir. I only sold 5 toothbrushes. But give me one more week! I'll do better! I'll be the best damn salesman in your company!"

"Fine. Go and sell them then."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
15/05/2009 18:07

The following week, the short man shows up at the office again and proclaims, "I sold 2,000 toothbrushes!"

"What?! How did you do that?"

"Well, it was quite simple. I went to the airport, you see, and I set up a table for the people coming off the plane. I had a bowl of chips at one end, toothbrushes in the middle and dip at the other end.

They would take a chip, walk past the toothbrushes, and get some dip. I'd ask them, 'How's the dip?' and they'd say, 'It tastes like SHIT!' And I'd say, 'It is! Want to buy a toothbrush?

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
15/05/2009 18:09

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It's simple. I just say that you're a lawyer."

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?" He said, "Why, yes I am!" So they went to his place.

When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already shafting someone!"

Arthur


Joined: 04/11/2008
Posts: 687

Message Posted:
15/05/2009 19:58

A teacher has a class of eight year olds, and is trying simple maths on them. "there are four birds sitting on a wall, and I shoot one- how many are left?" Little Johnny sticks his hand up and says "None Miss". "None?" the teacher says.

"None because the sound of the gun would have made the others fly away"

The teacher says "the answer I was looking for was three, but I like the way you're thinking"

Little Johnny sticks his hand up "Miss,Miss, I've got a question for you. There are three women eating icecream cones. One is licking the side of the icecream, the second is biting bits off, the third is taking the whole of the end of the icecream in her mouth, which one is married"

The teacher goes a bit red and says "the one taking the whole of the end of the icecream in her mouth"

Johnny replies "the answer was the one wearing a wedding ring...............but I like the way you're thinking!!"

allby60


Joined: 07/05/2009
Posts: 19

Message Posted:
15/05/2009 21:21

Thers a doctor talking to a group of women about muscle regions in the body.He asks one women 'Do you know what your arse is doing when you are having an orgasm ' she replies ' Probably having a beer with his mates.



(My wife told me this one and thinks its funny,I didnt.)

Coachie



Joined: 29/07/2008
Posts: 2135

Message Posted:
15/05/2009 21:32

bill &co great jokes..Carry on

littlejohn


Joined: 09/03/2009
Posts: 316

Message Posted:
16/05/2009 01:41

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walks into a bar in Dublin and raising her arm to reveal a hugh hairy armpit points to all the people sitting around the bar and asks "What man here is going to buy a lady a drink" ?

The bar goes silent as all try to ignore her but down at the end of the bar an owl eyed drunk slams his hand down on the counter and bellows " Give the ballerina a drink on me "!!!

The bartender pours the drink which she downs in one gulp !!

She again turns to the patrons and sweepingly points around revealing the same huge hairy armpit and again asks " What man here is going to buy a lady a drink" ?

Once again the drunk slaps his money down and says "Give the ballerina another drink" !!

The bartender approaches the drunk and says " Tell me Paddy, it's your business if you want to keep buying her drinks, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina ??

The drunk replies "Any woman who can lift her leg that high ... has to be a ballerina "

Lemtich



Joined: 15/02/2007
Posts: 1487

Message Posted:
16/05/2009 02:01

I went to the Doctor's the other day.



"Hello", I said to the young receptionist, my name is Lem, "I've got a 5 o'clock appointment".



"Which Doctor?, she asked.



"No thanks, I replied,



"An ordinary one, if one's available".



Now look, one does not expect that sort of language in a Doctor's surgery from a so called receptionist!



Not only that, when I saw the quack.



"Oh hello, haven't seen you for a while."



"Well, I've been ill". I replied.



What is it about the NHS these days?



Doctors aren't what they used to be, are they?"



Frog marching patients out of surgerys, shouting about trouble makers taking the piss!



I've giving up on all this.



Lem