Is the UK education system up to scratch?

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
14/10/2009 15:09

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon , Wiltshire (UK)



These are genuine answers (from 16 year old boys) :



Q. Name the four seasons

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar



Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink

A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists



Q. How is dew formed

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire



Q. What causes the tides in the oceans

A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight



Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on

A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
14/10/2009 15:09

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election



Q. What are steroids

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs



Q. What happens to your body as you age

A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental



Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery



Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes

A. Premature death



Q. What is artificial insemination

A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow



Q. How can you delay milk turning sour

A. Keep it in the cow.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
14/10/2009 15:10

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (e.g. the abdomen)

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O and U



Q. What is the fibula

A. A small lie



Q. What does 'varicose' mean

A. Nearby



Q. What is the most common form of birth control

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium



Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'

A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome



Q. What is a seizure

A. A Roman Emperor



Q. What is a terminal illness

A. When you are sick at the airport

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
14/10/2009 15:11

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature

A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas



Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you

understand its meaning

A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face



Q. What does the word 'benign' mean

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight



Q. What is a turbine

A. Something an Arab or Shriek wears on his head.

smithy


Joined: 17/07/2008
Posts: 5301

Message Posted:
14/10/2009 15:23

Still laughing Bill, keep them coming )

DutchCrusader



Joined: 19/05/2008
Posts: 11281

Message Posted:
14/10/2009 16:28

RE msg 1, Bill: (...) Is the UK education system up to sctratch? (...)

=> The UK system must be bankrupt indeed! I cannot even pronounce the last word in the title of this thread...

P.S. Warning and threat: don't change it, Bill, I've made a screendump which you cannot change on my server...

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
14/10/2009 16:51

Hans, I've changed it but don't say anything. People will think I can't spill )

Coachie



Joined: 29/07/2008
Posts: 2135

Message Posted:
14/10/2009 17:05

brilliant bill..Might try some of those answers on this junk mail that comes in the post...