A few jokes to cheer you all up

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
18/10/2009 14:49

This one is for all those indian food fans:



Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care.

One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
18/10/2009 14:52

Q. Two Liverpool girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?

A. Society.



Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?

A. A bus shelter.



Q. What do you call a 30 year old Scouse girl?

A. Granny.



Q. Why did the Scouse girl cross the road?

A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.



Q. What do you call a Scouse girl in a white tracksuit?

A. The bride.



Q. What's the first question during a Scouse quiz night?

A. What you looking at?



Q. Two Scouse kids in a car without any music - who is driving?

A. The policeman.



Q. What's the difference between a Scouse boy and a Scouse girl?

A. A Scouse girl has a higher sperm count.



Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?

A. Fathers day

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
18/10/2009 14:53

A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tattooed, welfare dependent,

chav, minger, woman wearing a Celtic top walked into ASDA in Castlemilk

(a sprawling council estate on Glasgow's south side) with her two kids,

yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning madam, and

welcome to ASDA. Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?'



The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'hell naw,

they're nae twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the

heck would you think they're twins? Are you blind, thick or just stupid?'



'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam, 'replied the greeter. 'I

just couldn't believe you've been sha@@ed twice. Have a good day, and

thank you for shopping at ASDA.'

elko2



Joined: 24/07/2007
Posts: 4400

Message Posted:
18/10/2009 14:55

Nick,

Do you have something against the ladies of Liverpool? Behave yourself mate but I must admit I laughed my head off.

ismet

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
18/10/2009 14:57

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £250 to £500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the £500, and takes it home.



He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the £500 refund for myself.'



So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.



The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for £500, they'd at least iron it!'



He never heard the shot.



Funeral on Thursday at Noon.



Closed coffin

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
18/10/2009 15:02

A red-nosed bloke goes into a hardware store and says, ‘I’ll have a bottle of meths please.’ Guy says, ‘No way, you’ll drink it.’ The bloke says, ‘No, I’m starting a little painting and decorating business’. The guy says, ‘No you’re not, you’re the alcoholic that sits in the park. The bloke says, ‘I used to be, but I’ve turned my life round – but people like you won’t let me forget. I’ll always be that drunkard no matter how hard I work, that’s what hurts so much.’ The guy says, ‘All right, I’m sorry, here’s your bottle of meths.’ The bloke says, ‘You haven’t got a cold one, have you?’





Wife runs out of petrol so phones husband......



" I'm scared to fill up because of this swine flu"



He says, "You daft narna, it's in Mexico not bleedin' Texaco"

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
18/10/2009 15:17

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu - ignore it. It's just spam...



I got a sweater for Christmas - What I really wanted was a screamer or a moaner.



Read this before you buy a motor bike - http://s596.photobucket.com/albums/tt43/chbritton/?action=view¤t=bestadever.jpg



One for the ladies - Little boy runs into the house "Mummy mummy...what's an orgasm"?



"I don't know dear...ask your father"



A bloke wondering around the shopping center looking lost is aproached by another feller, "you look like your lost" he says, "no I have lost my wife" the bloke replies.

"How about that I've lost mine too" says the feller.



The first bloke asks what his wife looks like and the feller replies "she has long black hair a tight fitting blue blouse and a short black skirt and black high heels on aged 27years, what does yours look like" he askes.



The bloke replies " oh never mind that lets go look for yours"

Blackpoolfan


Joined: 03/12/2008
Posts: 1568

Message Posted:
18/10/2009 18:29

NN has his first cage fight 2morrow!!



The Budgie won't know what's Fu**ing Hit It....................

Blackpoolfan


Joined: 03/12/2008
Posts: 1568

Message Posted:
18/10/2009 18:32

Married sex is like the national lottery...... Same old balls, no chance of a 69 and after 20 seconds it all ends in a roll over.....................

smithy


Joined: 17/07/2008
Posts: 5301

Message Posted:
18/10/2009 18:35

Great jokes NN still laughing

Woodspeckie


Joined: 25/01/2009
Posts: 2263

Message Posted:
18/10/2009 19:40

Msg 2. Nick today a Liverpool lass Beth Tweddle won the World Championships in Gymnastics, Gold Medal for Britain, that no joke.

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
18/10/2009 23:32

NN I love you xxxxxxxxxxxxThank you. Tried reading them with an hagley accent not the samew to posh there xxxxxxxxxxx

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
18/10/2009 23:35

thanks Lilli, hope they cheered you up...

Jeannie


Joined: 04/08/2009
Posts: 3283

Message Posted:
19/10/2009 03:18

Well Nick - as usual - you made me laugh!!!!!!!!!!!!



Jeannie

x

minertor



Joined: 14/02/2009
Posts: 1238

Message Posted:
19/10/2009 06:24

msg 11, good'n woodpecker, really laughed at that one. C'mon NN, try harder.



Tony

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
19/10/2009 09:28

how about this Minerator ?





I walked past a beggar the other day. He asked "any change mate?" - I said "no, I still have a nice car and a big house"





My last girlfriend suffered from Dyson's Disease.

She was OK for the first two years, then started to make constant whining noises and stopped sucking.





I've been involved in a road accident. I ran into three chavs. One went through my windscreen, the second dented my bonnet and the third flew 200 yards up the road. The police have been brilliant! One's been done for breaking and entering, one for criminal damage and the third for leaving the scene of an accident...





Me mate sent me a text with just the letters A G N B. - I thinks it's bang out of order.





What's the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot? - Ones an animal from Australia the others a Geordie stuck in a lift

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
19/10/2009 09:42

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were up before the Judge in the Divorce Court.



The Judge turns to Mickey and Says, "You cannot divorce Minnie purely on the grounds that she has buck teeth!"



Mickey replies, "I said she was fu**ing goofy."

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
19/10/2009 09:53

what goes, ha ha ha ha ....thud ! Elko, laughing his head off at these jokes.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/10/2009 10:13

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/10/2009 10:14

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him..

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the £500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/10/2009 10:16

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening." The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king." She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works.

After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/10/2009 10:16

The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide awake watching the clock..

He knows that he is doomed. He taps her..."Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and again proceed to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure! You don't have to get up in the morning!!!"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/10/2009 10:20

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth." The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/10/2009 10:24

Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes.



"Help me! Help me!" she screamed. "I'm being robbed!"



"You ain't being robbed" her attacker interrupted. "You're being screwed!"



The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans. "If you're screwing me with that," she fumed, "I am being robbed!"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/10/2009 10:25

A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks: "Who here has seen a ghost?" Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks: "Who here has spoken with a ghost?" Half the audience puts up their hands. "And who here has touched a ghost?" Ten percent of the crowd puts up their hands. He asks: "And who here has made love with a ghost?" One little man in the back row puts up his hand... The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the little man and says: "Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a ghost?" The man replies, "Oh No! I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you correctly. I thought you said 'goat'."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/10/2009 10:27

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/10/2009 10:29

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."

"That's true," said Paul.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

"Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters."

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
19/10/2009 16:33

Doyen - all nearly as good as mine.....

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/10/2009 16:42

No way. They'll never be anywhere near as good as your's.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
19/10/2009 19:57

mess 29 - yes, i know !

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/10/2009 22:48

Mess 30. I was only joking before.

Arthur


Joined: 04/11/2008
Posts: 687

Message Posted:
19/10/2009 23:57

Both contributors very funny.



NN- I think you've missed your vocation. A truly stellar career beckons in the Diplomatic Corps!!

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
20/10/2009 09:06

mess 32 - i thank you arthur....