Quick joke to make you smile

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
20/10/2009 09:19

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.



One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.



His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen, you truly are a kind man.”



The man replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

smithy


Joined: 17/07/2008
Posts: 5301

Message Posted:
20/10/2009 09:22

Never fail to make me laugh, good one NN

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
20/10/2009 09:27

An Irish bloke takes his mates back to see his new flat, and after a few beers one of the lads asks him what the big brass gong hanging on the wall is for.



Paddy says 'Its my speaking clock!'



'How does it work?' they ask.



'I'll show you', and he hits it full pelt with a claw hammer and a voice from next door yells 'For Gods sake, its twenty to three in the morning"

dav88



Joined: 01/08/2008
Posts: 605

Message Posted:
20/10/2009 09:29

love the second one!

HAPPY FEET


Joined: 18/07/2008
Posts: 416

Message Posted:
20/10/2009 13:45

Whilst walking to work this morning I passed a bloke in a RAC van. he was sobbing uncontrollably and looked miserable as sin.



I thought to myself, that man's heading for a breakdown

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
20/10/2009 13:56

A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
20/10/2009 16:11

mess 6 - Good 'un number 1

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
20/10/2009 21:41

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.



While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she

asked "Is my time up?"



God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to

live."



Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a

face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had

someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she

had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of

it.



After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing

the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.



Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had

another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the

ambulance?"



God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you."

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
20/10/2009 21:45

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage.



"Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its 'heart', take valves out, fix'em, put'em back in; and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a measly salary and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same kind of work?"





The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic.......



"Try doing it with the engine running"

Fred8


Joined: 15/01/2009
Posts: 253

Message Posted:
21/10/2009 01:29

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.



Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly , sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.



The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet.



The little boy says , "Dark in here."



The man says , "Yes , it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No , thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK , how much?"

Boy - "$150"

Man - "Sold."



In the next few weeks , it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.



Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes , it is."

Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."

The lover , remembering the last time , asks the boy , "How much?"

Boy - "$350"

Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."



A few days later , the father says to the boy , "Grab your gloves , let's go outside and have a game of catch."



The boy says , "I can't , I sold my ball and my glove."

The father asks ,

Fred8


Joined: 15/01/2009
Posts: 253

Message Posted:
21/10/2009 01:30

continued ..



The father says , "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... That is way more than those two things cost.



I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.



The boy says , "Dark in here."

The priest says , "Don't start that shit again , you're in my closet now.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
21/10/2009 12:55

not bad Fred, but not a patch on mine...