I've hit a pig (joke)

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
22/10/2009 21:48

An OZ farm hand, radios back to the farm manager.



'Boss, I got one helluva problem here... I hit a ruddy pig with the truck. The pig seems OK, but he's stuck in the roo-bars on the front and is wriggling and squealing so bladdy much, ah can't get 'I'm out.



The manager says,'Ok, there's a ....303 Rifle behind the seat in the rack, take it, shoot the pig and you'll be able to remove it.'



Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said Boss. Took the gun, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.



'So what's the problem na mate?' raged the Manager. '



Well boss, it's his motor-bike....it's stuck under the wheel arch and the bleedin' blue light wont stop flashing..'

smithy


Joined: 17/07/2008
Posts: 5301

Message Posted:
22/10/2009 21:50

Another good one Nick

bet you get some comments now )

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
22/10/2009 22:09

Q. What's pink and goes around and around?

















A. Stephen Gately's suitcase.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
22/10/2009 22:11

Apparently jordan was very upset last night, she got a phone call from Peter Andre and Harvey answered the iron.....

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
22/10/2009 22:21

A fire destroys a block of flats in South London.



A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.



An Islamic group of seven Kenyan welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.



Six Hispanic ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.



One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.



Harriet Harman, David Milliband, Jack Straw and Gordon Brown were furious and quickly demanded a meeting with the fire officer. On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.



The fire officer quietly replied, "Simple - they were both at work."

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
22/10/2009 22:23

What's the difference between a strawberry field and a battery?



A strawberry field has more Poles.......

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
22/10/2009 22:40

When I saw the title of this thread I thought you'd reversed into missus Monger.

Blackie


Joined: 20/12/2007
Posts: 129

Message Posted:
23/10/2009 01:07

Whats black and sits at the top of the staircase.





Stephen Hawking after the house fire.

Middle Easter


Joined: 13/06/2007
Posts: 146

Message Posted:
23/10/2009 01:16

Blackie - Is this a joke? NN is funny, leave it to the pros

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/10/2009 09:10

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

To get to the other side.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/10/2009 09:11

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

His wife is lying in bed reading.

The man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

His wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/10/2009 09:11

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"

"That's it!" She blows her top. "You b**tard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh shit. It's started."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/10/2009 09:12

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor

came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/10/2009 09:13

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!

deecyprus4


Joined: 27/07/2008
Posts: 3452

Message Posted:
23/10/2009 09:13

No1 ...msg 11 that made me howl

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/10/2009 09:13

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/10/2009 09:14

I was at a cash machine when an old lady walked up and asked me to help her check her balance. So I pushed her over..

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/10/2009 09:14

A G N B :

That's bang out of order..

cooper


Joined: 23/10/2007
Posts: 3386

Message Posted:
23/10/2009 09:15

Msg 11 cracked me up )



Cooper

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/10/2009 09:36

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.

Funny sense of humour my plumber has.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/10/2009 09:37

Class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.

The teacher says to the first child ''Hello Becky, what have you been doing this Playtime?''

Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box.''

''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit.''

Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.

''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says,''Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?''

Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.''

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/10/2009 09:38

''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit.''

Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.

''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says,''Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?''

''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives.''

''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -

I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit.''

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/10/2009 09:40

Husband and wife...



BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!

Wife - Do you want me to leave?

Husband - No! Don't even think about it.

Wife - Do you love me?

Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!

Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?

Husband - No! Why are you even asking?

Wife - Will you kiss me?

Husband - Every chance I get!

Wife - Will you hit me?

Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!

Wife - Can I trust you?

Husband - Yes.

Wife - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/10/2009 09:42

This Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency. After receiving his money he asks, "How come I came in here with same amount of money as yesterday but today I get less Yuans in return?"

The banker says, "Fluctuations."

The Chinese guy replies, "Fluck you Blitish too."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/10/2009 09:44

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

Teacher: Where the f*ck do you get seven from?!?!?

Johnny: Because I f**king have 1 at home!!!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/10/2009 09:46

A man walked into a pub, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be ten pence."

"Ten pence?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A pound," the barman replied.

"A pound?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/10/2009 13:48

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.



The librarian says; "F**k off, you won't bring it back."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/10/2009 14:03

A Pikey woman is trotting down the road in her horse and carriage when she is pulled over by a cop. "I'm not going to give you a summons, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your carriage," says the cop.

"Oh, I'll let my husband know as soon as I get home," she replies.

The cops adds, "another thing, I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that too. If I catch you again and these problems are not fixed you will have a fine."

Later that day, the woman is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, what exactly did he say?" asks the bloke

"He said the reflector is broken," she answered.

"I can fix that in a couple of minutes," he replies. "Anything else?"

After thinking she replies, "I'm not sure, something about the emergency brake..."

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
23/10/2009 20:36

What's Grey and comes in pints













a Elephant...............

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
23/10/2009 20:39

comes .....................

Tootie


Joined: 28/08/2008
Posts: 2037

Message Posted:
23/10/2009 20:40

Why is it burn victims always stick together??



Tootie

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/10/2009 22:43

Jock, that was filth! Got any more?



Tootie. ))