Irish Joke, Simple but it made me chucke

IvorBankloan



Joined: 14/08/2009
Posts: 180

Message Posted:
03/11/2009 17:05

Mick & Paddy promised uncle Seamus, who'd been a seafaring man all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. in due time, he passed away and the boys kept their promise.

With Seamus stitched up in a burial bag & loaded onto their rowboat.. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

Without a word Paddy slips over the side, to find himself standing in water up to his knees. 'Dis'll neva do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

After more rowing Paddy slips over the side but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?' Paddy slips over the side and says, 'No, dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row on and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite some time goes by and Mick is really getting himself into a state when when Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'



'Aye 'tis', says Paddy. 'Hand me da shovel.'

smithy


Joined: 17/07/2008
Posts: 5301

Message Posted:
03/11/2009 17:29

Well done ivor that was a laugh )

Carndi


Joined: 12/06/2009
Posts: 613

Message Posted:
03/11/2009 19:25

Paddy is cleaning his gun when it goes off and shoots his wife. he dials 999 for the police.



Paddy '' It's me wife. I've accidently shot her. I've killed her ''.

Operator '' Please calm down sir,can you make sure she is actually dead ''.



' Click '. ' BANG '.



Paddy. '' Ok, done that. What next ''.

smithy


Joined: 17/07/2008
Posts: 5301

Message Posted:
03/11/2009 19:38

Carndi so funny )

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
04/11/2009 11:05

carndi



Brilliant

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
04/11/2009 12:04

PADDY... "If you can guess how many chickens I have in my bag, you can have both of them."

"Three?"... Suggested Shaun.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
04/11/2009 12:05

Paddy was coming through the customs at the airport carrying a large bottle. "What have you there?" said a suspicious customs officer. "Tis Lourdes holy water. I am bringing it home with me", said Paddy. "The officer took the bottle and tried some." Why it's Irish whiskey!" he spluttered. "Lord bless me!" said Paddy, "another bloomin`miracle."

Carndi


Joined: 12/06/2009
Posts: 613

Message Posted:
04/11/2009 16:26

a very large woman ,wearing a sleevless sun dress ,went into a bar in Dublin and with a clenched fist raised her arm showing a very large hairy armpit and said '' is there any man her who will buy a lady a drink.''

The bar went silent and the customers all tried to ignore her except one. Down at the end of the bar sat Paddy, drunk, and he said '' I'll buy the ballerina a drink. ''

The woman downed the drink in one go and then repeated the question,arm up raised showing her hairy armpit,and again Paddy said '' I'll buy the Ballerina a drink.

Again the woman downed the drink in one go and again repeated the qyestion. When Paddy said '' I'll buy the ballerina a drink '' the barman said '' Paddy, why do you keep calling her a ballerina. ''

Paddy said '' Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina .''

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
04/11/2009 16:30

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going,

everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court".

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
04/11/2009 16:31

The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened". The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK".

"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates".

The Judge instantly responded... "God.. that must of hurt!"

Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
04/11/2009 16:33

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.

"Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."



"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."



"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
04/11/2009 16:35

Paddy and Seamus were walking home from the pub. Paddy says to Seamus, 'What a beautiful night, look at the moon.'



Seamus stops and looks at Paddy, 'You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun.' Both started arguing for a while when they come upon a real drunk walking in the other direction, so they stopped him.



'Sir, could you please help settle our argument?



Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?' The drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them, and said,



'Sorry, I don't live around here.'

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
04/11/2009 16:37

Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went and took the Irish accountancy exam.

Examiner: If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?

Paddy: Five.

Examiner: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Five.

Examiner: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer and then I give you another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?

Paddy: Four.

Examiner: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Five.

Examiner: How on earth do you work out that two lots of two rabbits is five?

Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home!