survey

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
14/05/2008 14:28

I was out last night when i was stopped in the street by this guy who asked if i would do a survey, there is only 10 questions he said, question 1 have you ever had a blackout, I thought about it and said No. Then he said question 10...........

jokers2theright


Joined: 18/02/2008
Posts: 174

Message Posted:
14/05/2008 15:13

Tommy Cooper Jokes



Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married



The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.



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Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.



Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'



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'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home..'



'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'



'Is it common?'



'It's not unusual.'



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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.



'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'



'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'



So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.



Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'



'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '



'No, because he's really heavy'



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'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'



'Well you can't say fairer than that then'



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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!



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So I went to the dentist.



He said 'Say Aaah.'



I said 'Why?'



He said 'My dog's died.'

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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said

'Who's speaking please?'



And a voice said 'You are.'

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So I rang up my local swimming baths.

I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'



He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

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So I rang up a local building firm,

I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'



He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5

people in my family, so it must be one of them.



It's either my mum or my dad.

Or my older brother Colin.

Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.



But I think it's Colin.



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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he

said 'You've been promoted.'



And I swerved.



And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'



And I swerved again.



He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'



And I went into a tree.



And a policeman came up and said



'What happened to you?'

And I said 'I careered off the road.'



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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?

The one I was in went back and forwards.



I thought 'This is unusual'.

And the dentist said to me

'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'



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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give

me a lift?'



I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other



'Does this taste funny to you?'



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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and

the other was eating fireworks.



They charged one and let the other one off.



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Y

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
14/05/2008 15:17

Talk about bieng upstaged lol...........

Kitty1


Joined: 15/03/2007
Posts: 683

Message Posted:
14/05/2008 17:08

I got an email entitled "If Tommy Cooper Were Alive Today...", so here goes:



I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

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I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'

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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'

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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

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I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'

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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.

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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

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The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'

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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

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I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'

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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

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I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

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wackyjim



Joined: 04/06/2007
Posts: 760

Message Posted:
14/05/2008 17:12

Jock1



Deary me!!! never mind I've got a good one



Why did the hen cross the road???



Now don't tell everybody Jock!!!!



Jim

Lemtich



Joined: 15/02/2007
Posts: 1487

Message Posted:
14/05/2008 17:30

Cuckoo Clock



Why females should avoid girls night out after they are married:



QUOTE



The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" were my last words.



Well, the hours passed and the Brandy Sours went down way too easy.

Around 3:00 a.m. and a bit loaded, we piled into a taxi and headed for our

respective homes. Just as I got through the door, the cuckoo clock in

the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.



Realizing my husband would probably wake up, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was particularly proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution to cover my lateness.(Even when totally smashed .... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)



The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told

him midnight. He didn't raise an eyebrow or anything and continued to read the morning paper.



Whew! Got away with that one!



Then he said, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."



When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed

three times, then said, "Oh, shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its

throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."



UNQUOTE



Lem

Lemtich



Joined: 15/02/2007
Posts: 1487

Message Posted:
14/05/2008 17:32

These are actual writings from various hospital charts.



1.The patient refused an autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5 Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15 Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present

24. The pelvis exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.



Lem

Lemtich



Joined: 15/02/2007
Posts: 1487

Message Posted:
14/05/2008 17:35

Two Irish hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.



They bag six.



As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the Pilot says "The plane can only take four of those."



The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."



Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.



A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick, "Any idea where we are?"



"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year," Says Mick.





lem

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
15/05/2008 14:19

Well wackyjim ????

wackyjim



Joined: 04/06/2007
Posts: 760

Message Posted:
15/05/2008 15:14

Sorry Jock....afraid I've forgotten ,I'm not very good at remembering the punchlines

wynyardman



Joined: 15/12/2007
Posts: 4580

Message Posted:
15/05/2008 16:58

Brilliant Jokes lads!



Really enjoyed it.



wyn