Joke: If you don't laugh at this you may be dead

IvorBankloan



Joined: 14/08/2009
Posts: 180

Message Posted:
26/11/2009 19:55

85yrold man asked by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical. He gave the man a jar & said, Bring back a semen sample tomorrow. Next day the old man handed in the jar, as empty as on the previous day.



The doctor asked what happened and the man explained.

Well doc, first I tried with my right hand. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. 'Then I asked my wife. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, with the teeth in then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We called Arleen, the lady next door and she tried. First with both hands, then an armpit, and even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."



The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?" Yeah but none of us could get the jar open.

cooper


Joined: 23/10/2007
Posts: 3386

Message Posted:
26/11/2009 19:59

Very good - http://tachyontv.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/02/03/tommy_cooper.jpg )

newlad



Joined: 02/03/2008
Posts: 7819

Message Posted:
26/11/2009 20:00

Ivor,

Thank god i am still alive,

Paul.

newlad



Joined: 02/03/2008
Posts: 7819

Message Posted:
26/11/2009 20:07

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer.







Stick it in the microwave until its bill withers.

smithy


Joined: 17/07/2008
Posts: 5301

Message Posted:
26/11/2009 20:13

Ivor that was great, never expected that ending )

magicart


Joined: 05/10/2008
Posts: 985

Message Posted:
27/11/2009 10:43

How do you pull a fat bird?



Its a piece of cake!!

PaulW



Joined: 20/07/2009
Posts: 651

Message Posted:
27/11/2009 10:53

In the dead of night, a man breaks into a house looking for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain ..... just do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both ..... Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds :

* He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
27/11/2009 10:54

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.