Joke - Baptising an Irishman

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
30/11/2009 20:08

A Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he

comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the

preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of

alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk,

'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer,

dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again,

'Have you found Jesus me brother?'

Cont.....

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
30/11/2009 20:10

'Have you found Jesus me brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No,oi I haven't found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in

the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and

when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk,

'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

Are you ready for this????





The drunk wipes his eyes,



catches his breath



and says to the preacher,









Are you sure this is where he fell in???????

Snaefell



Joined: 07/06/2009
Posts: 266

Message Posted:
30/11/2009 20:14

Good one! didn't guess the punchline. Thanks for that one.

smithy


Joined: 17/07/2008
Posts: 5301

Message Posted:
30/11/2009 20:29

Navek that was the best laugh I have had for a long time, didnt know that punch line was coming

thanks

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
30/11/2009 21:33

Navek. I don't know where you get them from - Fantastic!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
30/11/2009 21:38

Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.



In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"



So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."



"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."



The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"



She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
30/11/2009 21:41

You two have had me in stiches. Good ones both. loved them. See we can laugh at ourselves no PC here xxxx

clayton


Joined: 30/11/2008
Posts: 1143

Message Posted:
30/11/2009 21:42

nice one lads

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
30/11/2009 22:18

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.

The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow."

The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow."

The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument.

"No, it's a Scottish cow....





it's got bagpipes underneath!"

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
30/11/2009 22:27

A Guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and announces that this is a very talented octopus, which can play any musical instrument in the world.

Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot.

So he says that he'll wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and puts it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric Clapton.

The guitar man pays up his £50.

Another guy comes up with a trumpet.

This time the octopus plays like Miles Davis.

This guy pays his £50.

Then a Scotsman hands over a set of bagpipes.

The octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.

"Ha," the Scot says. "Can ye no play it?"

The Octopus looks at him and says...



"Play it?







I’m going to make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get these pyjamas off..."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
30/11/2009 22:30

A Kerryman was suffering from pains in his knees, so he visited the doctor.



"You're suffering from a disease that we medical experts call "kneeitis", said the doctor. "Take it easy for a month or so and above all don't climb any stairs. That puts a terrible strain on the knees."



A month later the Kerryman returned and after a brief examination was found to have recovered completely.



"Can I climb the stairs now Doctor?"



"Certainly," replied the Doctor.



"Thank Heavens," said the Kerryman, "I was getting a bit browned off climbing up the drainpipe every time I wanted to go to the toilet."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
30/11/2009 22:37

My wife and I were eating in a restaurant the other day, when A fella walked up to me and threw a prawn cocktail over me, I said what was that for, he replied, "thats just for starters"

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
30/11/2009 22:38

Three Scots and three Englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.

At the station, the three Englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Scots buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englishmen.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.

They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three Scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

Cont....

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
30/11/2009 22:39

To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding.





He knocks on the door and says,







"Ticket, please."

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
30/11/2009 22:42

PROPER ENDING...







To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman.

"Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen.

When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet

and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby.

The train departs. Shortly afterward,

one of the Scots leaves his restroom

and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding.







He knocks on the door and says,









"Ticket, please."

mmmmmm



Joined: 19/12/2008
Posts: 8398

Message Posted:
30/11/2009 23:05

Classic jokes.. I've heard the train one used by Greeks - in Athens - about Turks.. seems they are very 'adaptable'



As to the Octopus joke .. one of the best I've ever heard



THANKS, guys

Ailletoo


Joined: 24/01/2009
Posts: 1003

Message Posted:
01/12/2009 10:45

love the Baptism one, heard it before but had forgotten it. Made me laugh out loud!!!

Ballyboffin


Joined: 25/08/2007
Posts: 903

Message Posted:
01/12/2009 12:11

A burglar breaks into a house in the middle of the night and is looking around when he hears



'Jesus is watching you'



He thinks that he imagined it and starts filling his bag with loot when he hears again



'Jesus is watching you'



Unerved, he shines his torch around and sees a large parrot. He asks the parrot 'Did you say that' and the parrot says it again. He asks it 'Are you Jesus' and the parrot replies 'No I'm Moses'



The burglar says 'What sort of people call a parrot Moses' and the parrot replies,





'The same people who would call a Rotwieller Jesus'

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
01/12/2009 12:37

Murphy walked with his dog every day all through the villiage, so everyone knew both Murphy and his dog. One day Murphy is on his walk without the dog. Cronin sees Murphy and asks, "Where is your dog?". Murphy answers, " I had to have him put down." "Was he mad", asks Cronin." "He wasn't too pleased," says Murphy.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
01/12/2009 12:39

While redecorating a church, three nuns become extremely hot and sweaty in their habits, so Mother Superior says, "Let's take our clothes off, and work naked."

The other two nuns disapprove, and ask, "What if someone sees us?"

But the Mother Superior says, "Don't worry, no one will see us, we'll just lock the door."

So the other nuns agree, strip down and return to work.

Suddenly, they hear a knock at the door, and grab their clothes in a panic.

Mother Superior runs to the door and calls through, "Who is it?"

"Blind man," a man's voice comes back.



So she opens the door, and lets in the blind man, who turns to the nuns and says, "Great tits, ladies, now where do you want these blinds?"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
01/12/2009 12:41

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought £250 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in." The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent £17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
01/12/2009 12:42

An Englishman,Scotsman and Irishman were in a bar drinking somewhere is South America.They noticed a pot of money in the corner and asked the barman what was it there for. "Well" said the barman "that is there for the taking for anyone who can 1:Drink a full bottle of tequila in two minutes 2:Go into that box over there with a lion inside and pull a thorn from the lions foot. 3: finally go upstairs and make love to a 100 year old woman". What happens if we fail they enquired. "If ye fail and survive", the barman said, "ye'll be sold as sex-slaves to a local tribe". Despite the risks they said they would try it. The englishman goes first and after half the tequila he collapses drunk and is taken away to be sold. The Scotsman is next. He downs the tequila and staggers to the lion cage.The door is closed and there is a quick scream as he is eaten alive by the lion, unable to defend himself. The Irishman drinks the tequila and stumbles towards the lions den. The door is closed behind him a

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
01/12/2009 12:44

There was a Scotsman an Englishman and an Irishman all sitting on a tea - break on a building site the Englishman pipe's up if my wife put's Cheese on my sandwich's again Iam going to kill myself and the Scotsman say's if my wife put's Egg on my sandwich's again I will kill myself and the Irishman say's if I find Gammon on my sandwich's again I will kill myself so sure enough the next day all three open up there lunch boxes and find the sandwich's are all full of Cheese ,Egg and Gammon once again so they all go off to different part's of the site and kill themselve's later in the week all three men are being buried and the englishman's wife say's if he diddn't want cheese on his sandwich's he should have told me and this wouldn't have happened then the Scotsman's wife come's away with the same statement concerning the Egg sandwich's then the Irishman's wife pipe's up I can't understand this, Paddy make's his own sandwich's.

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
01/12/2009 13:33

FILTH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jacktheladett


Joined: 01/07/2008
Posts: 528

Message Posted:
01/12/2009 14:12

Excellent octopus joke, thanks Navek