Something to offend everyone (jokes)

MaggieAndBernie



Joined: 26/07/2008
Posts: 2012

Message Posted:
06/12/2009 12:09

I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected that special resin into her crack.....she hasn't even got a car!!







I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Gran's dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.







Matt Lucas's ex-partner hanged himself this week. Matt is said to be distraught but on a lighter note, is now the only gay in the village.







A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom.



" Holy F**k" she screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb...!!







Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.



A man asks "What's wrong?"



Boy says "Me Ma is dead"



"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"



Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."

MaggieAndBernie



Joined: 26/07/2008
Posts: 2012

Message Posted:
06/12/2009 12:10

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" . The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after. She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never farted upon. The End.







Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to " F**k Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!











Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her gob shut.







Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?







I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm f**king having that!"







Man lost in a hot air ballon over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts

MaggieAndBernie



Joined: 26/07/2008
Posts: 2012

Message Posted:
06/12/2009 12:11

Man lost in a hot air ballon over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"



The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya b ' stard, you're in that feckin basket!"







Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.



Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"



Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"



CLICK,BANG



Paddy "OK, done that, what next?

mikelapta



Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 2186

Message Posted:
06/12/2009 12:13

Maggie and Bernie,you been pulling Xmas crackers already?

Mike

smithy


Joined: 17/07/2008
Posts: 5301

Message Posted:
06/12/2009 12:14

Great jokes Maggie, what a laugh )

Aslan


Joined: 23/06/2008
Posts: 757

Message Posted:
06/12/2009 12:21

14 weeks worth of jokes in one hit, and all funny for a Sunday morning, watch out for the admin guys and girls, they will no doubt pull you to one side for a chat!!

MaggieAndBernie



Joined: 26/07/2008
Posts: 2012

Message Posted:
06/12/2009 12:38

Thanks Aslan - have to be honest though - they arrived in an email this am - had me laughing out loud so just had to share them with you all! Happy Sunday!



Maggie

Enrico


Joined: 07/12/2008
Posts: 209

Message Posted:
06/12/2009 16:28

I remember the days when I could go to the supermarket with a pound and come back with 4 tins of Salmon, a big bag of vegetables. 2 big steaks and various frozen foods.

I can't do that these days.















Too many security cameras.

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
06/12/2009 17:37

All very funny thank you for brihening a very wet sunday xxxxxxxx

Sandie


Joined: 14/08/2008
Posts: 251

Message Posted:
06/12/2009 20:56

Great jokes M & B. Ali asked after you today and I said you would be back in the New Year. Sandie xx

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
07/12/2009 09:39

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"

"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh shit. It's started."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
07/12/2009 09:43

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
07/12/2009 09:43

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
07/12/2009 09:44

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad. Apparently he had the time of his life."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
07/12/2009 09:47

A woman was in the bath when the doorbell rang, so she got out, put on a bathrobe and went to answer the door.

At the door was her husband's golf partner, Jim.

"I'm afraid my husband's not in" she said.

"Oh well!", said Jim, "Say, you look very nice in that robe. How about giving me a quick flash?"

"No!", cried the woman, "What would my husband say?"

"Oh go on!", pleaded Jim, "Just a quick flash and I'll give you 50, no, 100 quid"

The woman is tempted, but still refuses.

"Ok, Ok, my final offer. Flash me for 10 seconds and I'll give you 200 quid"

The woman thinks about it, nods, opens her robe for 10 seconds and closes it quickly.

Jim smiles and hands over £200 in cash, before walking off whistling.

Later that evening, the husband asks "Did Jim call round for me earlier?"

"Erm, yes.", replied the wife nervously.

"Oh good - did he give you that £200 he owes me?"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
07/12/2009 09:50

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
07/12/2009 09:50

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.

The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.

"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church." stated the pastor.

"That's OK," said the young man, "we're not welcome at Tesco anymore either."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
07/12/2009 10:24

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
07/12/2009 10:25

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
07/12/2009 10:25

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said.

"And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward.

"You mean they actually chewed on your, eh... equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod?" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!"

rigsby


Joined: 21/09/2007
Posts: 912

Message Posted:
07/12/2009 13:36

A yank tourist slips off the pavement in Girne,He is pulled back just as a dolmus comes racing down the street.He is so gratefull to the man who saves him.He says,I am a rich man,i must reward you,anything you want.The chap says,well i always wanted a real cowboy outfit.3 days later in his postbox he finds the deeds and leasing papers for CTA

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
07/12/2009 13:38

rigsby - ) ) )

rigsby


Joined: 21/09/2007
Posts: 912

Message Posted:
07/12/2009 13:49

The Devil finds himself with three new candicates.Right,he says to the first man,Why are you here? Its a mistake,i should be in heaven.i have always been a good person,I went to school every day,trained to be a policeman and ended up a judge,2nd chap says another mistake has been made,I too should be in heaven,I never had a day off school,trained and studied to be a solicitor,got married had children and was always faithfull to my wife.3rd man says,I am in the right place,My school was Borstal,I chased women,got kids everywhere,pinched cars,got drunk every night.Right says the devil;I just burn the first two and me and you will have a good night out.

Tootie


Joined: 28/08/2008
Posts: 2037

Message Posted:
07/12/2009 18:19

From an American Sketch program called MadTV..



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylRbo7WidLA&feature=related

swannee7


Joined: 21/08/2009
Posts: 394

Message Posted:
07/12/2009 20:41

Man went to his doctor and asked if he could recommend any form of contraception other than a condom. "Absolutely" said his GP. "Put a stone in your shoe. That'll make you limp for sure. !"



"My dog has got the coldest nose in this village". "Wow! How do you know that?" "Well, whenever he comes into a room all the other dogs sit down pronto!"



A woman was asking her friend how her marriage was working out and if she was happy with her husband. "I'm not sure what to say to that" said her friend. "Fred works so hard in his garage and I think he's doing far too much and the ruddy job's getting on top of him. For instance, the other night I woke up with him stroking my derriere and saying: 'disgraceful......only 5,000 miles and the bloody tread has gone already !' .