Best ever Duck joke

harita


Joined: 14/08/2008
Posts: 1343

Message Posted:
08/12/2009 21:34

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks..

To Be Cont ..

harita


Joined: 14/08/2008
Posts: 1343

Message Posted:
08/12/2009 21:36

Then one day the circus comes to town.

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The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"



"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."



So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."



"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"



"At the circus," says the barman.



"The circus?" repeats the duck.



"That's right," replies the barman.



"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"



"Yeah," the barman replies.

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"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.



"Of course," th

harita


Joined: 14/08/2008
Posts: 1343

Message Posted:
08/12/2009 21:45

"Of course," the barman replies.



"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.



"That's right!" says the barman.



The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .

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"What the f.... would they want with a plasterer??!">

smithy


Joined: 17/07/2008
Posts: 5301

Message Posted:
08/12/2009 21:47

I loved it )

DutchCrusader



Joined: 19/05/2008
Posts: 11281

Message Posted:
08/12/2009 21:47

Oh Lord of the Jokes. Re msg 1: 37.000 (thirty seven thousand!) jokes about *this* duck on the Internet. | http://is.gd/5gc3N | Please, please, please: try to be original on this board. Try anything. But please, please, please don't copy the the copied jokes from copied messages or copied sites.

cooper


Joined: 23/10/2007
Posts: 3386

Message Posted:
08/12/2009 21:47

Brilliant MeDuck )

harita


Joined: 14/08/2008
Posts: 1343

Message Posted:
08/12/2009 21:52

First time I had seen or heard it ... You must have plenty of time on your Hans (Pardon the pun)

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
08/12/2009 22:02

Very funny.. )

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
08/12/2009 22:09

Three mice are sat in a pub having a few pints and they're discussing which one is the hardest.

The first mouse says, "I'm the hardest. I go up to mousetraps, rip out the cheese and, as the bar comes down, I benchpress it 30 times and throw it across the floor."

The second mouse replies, "You nonce! I get the rat poison, crush it into powder and snort it!"

The third mouse shrugs his shoulders, downs his pint and walks to the door.

"Where you going?" ask the other two.

"I'm off home to sh*g the cat!"   

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
08/12/2009 22:14

A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f***ing bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf? We haven't got any f***ing bread. Ask me again and I'll nail your fu***ng beak to the bar, you irritating b**tard bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Tiggy


Joined: 25/07/2007
Posts: 1994

Message Posted:
08/12/2009 22:17

Donald Duck and his girlfriend Daisy Duck are getting passionate in their hotel room ,when Donald realises he has no protection.



He calls room service and asks can he have a condom sent up to his room. a couple of minutes later a knock on the door and Donald opens it for the bellhop, he says " I have your order Mr Duck" and as he places the tray in front of him and asks " Would you like me to put it on you bill ?" !!!

Tiggy


Joined: 25/07/2007
Posts: 1994

Message Posted:
08/12/2009 22:19

Dutch...please put your photo the right way up.

harita


Joined: 14/08/2008
Posts: 1343

Message Posted:
08/12/2009 22:22

Sorry folks if I am breaking any rules .. Found how he does it & had to "Copy & Paste" this :-





A Hollander is always right and he knows it. With this in mind it is very easy to cope with most Hollanders. If you ever get in an argument with a Hollander, tell him he was absolutely right and that you now realize how wrong you were. Now he will go crazy: Since you're a foreigner, you can never be right. You agree with him, therefore he couldn't be right. Impossible. He's a Hollander. But…then…he…Now is the time to take a step back and observe how the Hollander will try to strangle himself with a tulip.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
08/12/2009 22:26

Two cows are in a field.



One says to the other, "What do you reckon to that mad cow disease?"



The other one says, "It doesn't bother me - I'm a f**king duck!"   

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
08/12/2009 22:28

Woman goes into a butcher's...



"I'd like an oxtail please".



"Certainly", replies the butcher, "Once there was an ox..."   

Tiggy


Joined: 25/07/2007
Posts: 1994

Message Posted:
09/12/2009 00:26

A Woman walks into a fishmongers and points to a Salmon on the counter display..... she asks…. "Is that fish gutted mister fishmonger"



He replies..........."Gutted....gutted....marm, he's fu@king devastated" !!

Brinsley


Joined: 04/04/2009
Posts: 6858

Message Posted:
09/12/2009 00:41

Two ducks on a pond

a grass bank beyond

to remember for years

to remember with tears



Richard

newlad



Joined: 02/03/2008
Posts: 7819

Message Posted:
09/12/2009 17:04

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer



Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers.

deecyprus4


Joined: 27/07/2008
Posts: 3452

Message Posted:
09/12/2009 17:35

See Bill you do deserve the award for best Jokes, yours always crack me up, shag the cat, love it. ha ha ha ha.

deecyprus4


Joined: 27/07/2008
Posts: 3452

Message Posted:
09/12/2009 17:37

Actually Tiggy yours made me howl as well, they are all good, and I am a duck lover.

baldeagle


Joined: 04/02/2009
Posts: 354

Message Posted:
09/12/2009 17:45

A man is driving a pick-up truck down the road with a bunch of ducks standing in the back. A police officer pulls over the driver, informs him that he is speeding and then asks him where he's going with all those ducks. The driver says that he doesn't know what to do with them anymore. The officer says, "Look, there's a zoo not far from here and that's where you should take them." The man thanks the officer and drives off with his ducks.



The next day the officer again sees the same pick-up truck barreling down the road. This time, though, all the ducks in the back are wearing sunglasses. The officer pulls the driver over and says, "I thought I told you to take those ducks to the zoo!" "I did," said the driver, "but now they want to go to the beach!"

deecyprus4


Joined: 27/07/2008
Posts: 3452

Message Posted:
09/12/2009 17:49

baldeagle I am crying with laughter, keep em coming everyone.

deecyprus4


Joined: 27/07/2008
Posts: 3452

Message Posted:
09/12/2009 18:12

More Jokes Please...

deecyprus4


Joined: 27/07/2008
Posts: 3452

Message Posted:
09/12/2009 18:16

A man and a duck are walking down the street together. Suddenly the man notices a low-flying airplane coming right for them. The man yells "DUCK!!!!" and the duck looks back at the man with an angry face and yells "MAN!!!!"





HA HA HA

deecyprus4


Joined: 27/07/2008
Posts: 3452

Message Posted:
09/12/2009 18:17

When kev and I went to Portugal for a holiday we were staying in a villa on a golf course and every day shouted 'DUCK', it always made me laugh.

deecyprus4


Joined: 27/07/2008
Posts: 3452

Message Posted:
09/12/2009 18:18

and every day Kev shouted DUCK is what I meant to say lol

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
09/12/2009 18:32

A duck walks into a bar and sits between a rich man and a poor man. The rich man says "I just bought my wife a porshe and a diamond ring for her birthday" The duck says "Why did you buy her both things? The rich man says "That way, if she doesn't like her diamond ring she can take it back in her new car".



The duck then looks over to the poor man. The poor man says, "It just so happens that my wife's birthday was last week, and I bought her sandles and a dildo". The duck then asked the poor man "why did you buy her both things?" The poor man said "That way, if she doesn't like the sandles she can go f**k herself!"

deecyprus4


Joined: 27/07/2008
Posts: 3452

Message Posted:
09/12/2009 18:54

Bill HA HA HA HA HA HA..LOVE IT

deecyprus4


Joined: 27/07/2008
Posts: 3452

Message Posted:
09/12/2009 18:57

A duck walks into a pharmacy, and asks for Chapstick. The cashier says, "Cash or check?" and the duck says, "Just put it on my bill."



These are funny ha ha ha

deecyprus4


Joined: 27/07/2008
Posts: 3452

Message Posted:
09/12/2009 18:59

Customer: How much is that duck?

Shopkeeper: Ten dollars.

Customer: Okay, could you please send me the bill?

Shopkeeper: I'm sorry, but you'll have to take the whole bird.



ha ha ha, I am getting these off the internet, I couldnt tell a joke for the life of me lol.

baldeagle


Joined: 04/02/2009
Posts: 354

Message Posted:
09/12/2009 19:00

A motorist in a Mercedes was driving through the countryside on a beautiful Saturday afternoon, having a lovely time, when he came to an area of the road that was covered with a rather large puddle of water from a previous rain storm. Worried that he was going to damage the car and its engine in the deep water, he asked a local farmer (who just happened to be standing near the large pool of water) how deep the water was. "Arr", said the local farmer "That water only be a few inches deep!" Relieved, the motorist edged his car into the water, expecting to come out the other side in no time. Instead, as he drove in, the water came right up the side of the car, and the engine sputtered to a halt. Sitting there with the water and a floating weed lapping at the window, the motorist yelled at the local angrily: "I thought you said this water was only a few inches deep!!!" "Well", replied the local farmer "It only come up to the waist of them there ducks!"

deecyprus4


Joined: 27/07/2008
Posts: 3452

Message Posted:
09/12/2009 19:05

One for us girls lol



Three men die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first man accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman." The next day, the second man steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first man. The third man has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very careful where he steps. He manages to go for almost an eternity without stepp

deecyprus4


Joined: 27/07/2008
Posts: 3452

Message Posted:
09/12/2009 19:06

without stepping on any ducks, and one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most beautiful woman he has ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The man remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" and, the gal says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

sporty


Joined: 06/12/2007
Posts: 685

Message Posted:
09/12/2009 22:15

mickey mouse goes to divorce mini,at the court hearing the judge looks through the papers and says to mickey-sorry but i cant let you divorce mini on the basis that she has "bucked teeth".



Mickey says to the judge-i didnt say that,i said she was f**king"goofy".