Joke: Sorry chaps but i cant stop laughing

newlad



Joined: 02/03/2008
Posts: 7819

Message Posted:
06/05/2010 23:08

Paddys wedding night and his new bride is lying naked,legs spread on the bed.She says "you know what i want dont you big boy" Paddy says "All the firking bed by the look of it"

Paul.

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
06/05/2010 23:15

I like that. Still laughing. Was it the same Paddy who had a water bed, switched his electric blanket on and poached himself to death ?

newlad



Joined: 02/03/2008
Posts: 7819

Message Posted:
06/05/2010 23:19

Lol,deputy.



I was getting ready for my medieval fancy dress party when from within my costume i heard "Herro,Herro,prease help" There was only a firking chink in my armour,

Paul.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
06/05/2010 23:21

A 90-year-old man was caught doing 8mph in his mobility scooter on the inside lane of the M1



His life was in serious danger - particularly on the three occasions he pulled into the middle lane to overtake women drivers.    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
06/05/2010 23:22

The wife and I have been arguing about where to go on our holidays. I want to go to Ibiza, and she wants to come with me.    

newlad



Joined: 02/03/2008
Posts: 7819

Message Posted:
06/05/2010 23:22

Lionel Ritchie as converted to Islam and opened a butchers shop in Leicester,its called Halal,is it meat your looking for,

Paul.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
06/05/2010 23:36

Paddy is sitting in a pub drunk trying to figure out why he only has 3 brothers and his sister has 4.    

spireite


Joined: 21/02/2007
Posts: 39

Message Posted:
06/05/2010 23:55

Have you tried that new Korean restaurant, their meat balls are the Dogs Bollocks.

zerochlor


Joined: 03/04/2009
Posts: 4024

Message Posted:
07/05/2010 00:15

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.



The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a freezer to keep it in."



The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"



The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both fell out of the stupid tree and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
07/05/2010 11:19

Paddy the athlete missed the world 10,000 metres record by one hundreth of a second. His coach, also called Paddy, said it was very unlucky that Paddy's wellie burst when he kicked off the last bend !

zerochlor


Joined: 03/04/2009
Posts: 4024

Message Posted:
07/05/2010 12:12

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site.



Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'



He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!'



Murphy watches in amazement!



The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home.'



So he leaves the site.



Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.



'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.



'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
07/05/2010 12:16

An Irish man is sitting a a bar drinking

A flamboyantly gay man comes up to him and asks, "can i give you a blow job?"

The Irishman stands up and punches the gay man.

The bar tender comes over and asks, "Why did you hit that guy?"

The Irish man replied, "He said somethin about me gettin a job

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
07/05/2010 12:19

The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"



The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Quinns. At Quinns, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Quinn buys you another drink."



Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister!"

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
07/05/2010 12:42

Englishman Scotsman and Paddy





One day, Paddy Englishman, and Scotsman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.

Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head.



Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.



Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.



Paddy, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "AH YOU LITTLE THIEF! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
07/05/2010 12:45

Paddy was taking a walk in the country. In a field he noticed something that intrigued him. Why doesn't this cow have any horns?



He asked the local farmer.



"Well sir, cattle can do damage with their horns so we usually keep them trimmed down with a hacksaw. You can also treat young calves so their horns never grow. And some breeds don't have any horns at all," the farmer replied.



The farmer continued, "But this cow doesn't have any horns because it is a horse!"

smithy


Joined: 17/07/2008
Posts: 5301

Message Posted:
07/05/2010 13:15

great jokes on here today )

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
07/05/2010 13:46

Taffy is showing Paddy and Jock around his Welsh Hill Farm and they come upon an ewe with its hind quarters caught up in a barbed wire fence. "I wish that was Marilyn Monro " says Jock. "I wish it was Jordan" says Paddy. Taffy responds "I wish it was dark" !

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
07/05/2010 13:51

Knock Knock !

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
07/05/2010 13:53

My mate had a Verruca. It went septic and he ended up with gangrene. He then went on to win 9.7 million on the lottery.





Still, I wouldn't like to be in his shoes.    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
07/05/2010 13:55

Who's there?

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
07/05/2010 13:58

"AVON yer bell is knackered !