women are so vicious!!

zerochlor


Joined: 03/04/2009
Posts: 4024

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 17:31

just thought id share this with all your guys out there,written in facebook by a woman



i do think its very funny though!







For all those men who say "why marry the cow when you can get the milk free?" heres an update for you! Nowadays 80% of woman are against marriage, why? Because women realise it's not worth buying an entire pig just for a little sausage!!!!!! Keep it going girls this is too funny not to repost !!!!!



clever lady she much of been who wrote this!!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 17:56

That's funny. )

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 17:59

The wife begged me to help her lose weight.



So I sold her car.    

zerochlor


Joined: 03/04/2009
Posts: 4024

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 18:02

whoop whoop

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 18:03

The wife said, "You never say anything nice to me...say something".



"You're fat".



"That's not nice", she said tearfully.



"It is", I said, Because really, you're bloody massive".    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 18:07

I went into the kitchen today and found that the cooker wasn't working properly.



So I slapped her and said, "Hurry up with my dinner!".    

philnles


Joined: 11/08/2008
Posts: 413

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 18:11

I thought I was good in bed, till I found out my wife had asthma.



She said I was rubbish in bed, I said how can you tell in 30 seconds.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 18:12

Just like Cinderella, my wife lost her shoe at the ball.



It was hidden beneath her fat ankle.    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 18:17

My Grandad thinks 'LOL' in text language means 'Lots of Love', then sending his old best mate a text the day after his mates wife died, saying: 'Sorry to hear about your loss mate, LOL'...    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 18:24

A woman decided that she was going to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She was so impressed with the results she decided to ask various people if they could guess her age. Firstly she stopped a young man on the street. "How old do you think I am?" she asked. "I'd say about 30" he replied. "No, I'm 50, but don't I look great"

Next she went into Mcdonalds and asked the guy behind the counter the same question. Again, she got the same answer and he was amazed when she explained that she was infact now 50.

Finally she went to the bus stop where she asked an old man the same question.

"Young lady, I cannot simply guess your age by looks alone as I am old and have very poor eyesight. However, I have a sure fire way of finding out your age"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 18:25

Intrigued, the woman asks him what it is and he tells her that the only way to find out her exact age is to play with her breasts. She is even more puzzled now so let's the old man have a feel. He plays with the right one, then left and alternates between them for 5 minutes. He then takes out his hand and says, "Madam, you are exactly 50"



"Oh my god, you're right she says, but how did you know?" she asks.



"Easy, I was behind you in McDonalds"

elko2



Joined: 24/07/2007
Posts: 4400

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 18:38

msg 10 and 11,

It just goes to show how clever you become when you get to my age

ismet

philnles


Joined: 11/08/2008
Posts: 413

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 18:40

Credit Crunch Married Version



Husband and wife shopping in Tesco's Husband picks up box of Stellas Wife says What you doing? There only 10 quid for 24. Put them back, we can't afford them barks the wife. A few isles later the wife picks up a 20 quid pot of face cream. What you doing? asks the husband. It's my face cream and it makes me look beautiful she says. So does 24 cans of Stella and its half the price says husband.

mollycorbin


Joined: 12/03/2010
Posts: 390

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 18:45

You guys should organize a sleep over tonight...you can play with yourselves there....

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 18:49

what does a married woman, and a condom have in common...they both spend about 99% of there time in your wallet......

wynyardman



Joined: 15/12/2007
Posts: 4580

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 19:02

At one time, I could not wait until she got her tights off.



Now I can wait while she knits them!

wynyardman



Joined: 15/12/2007
Posts: 4580

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 19:06

I used to think that it was good enough to eat.



NOW I wish I had.



wyn

zerochlor


Joined: 03/04/2009
Posts: 4024

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 19:07

good 1 jock.

yorgozlu



Joined: 16/06/2009
Posts: 4437

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 19:15

Wife standing naked in front of a mirror in the bedroom,asks hubby;

What do you like most about me:my beautiful face or my sexy body?

Hubby looks her up-dawn ,loughs and says,"your sense of humuor"

JohhnyLee


Joined: 25/04/2009
Posts: 2495

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 19:18

Three ladies chatting in the beauty parlour, Ist one says Im here to have my nails done, 2nd one says Im here for a leg wax, 3rd one says Im here to have my a------e (anus) bleached. other 2 say we just cant imagine your husband with blonde hair,

wynyardman



Joined: 15/12/2007
Posts: 4580

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 19:23

I went to the Doctor, and he said I needed to loose 20 KG. of ugly fat.



So I got divorced.



wyn

yorgozlu



Joined: 16/06/2009
Posts: 4437

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 19:26

A man is lying on the beach,sun bathing,wearing nothing but a cap over his d**k.An ugly women is passing and remarks "If you were any sort of gentelman-U'd lift your hat to a lady"....He replies "If you were any sort of lady,the hat would have lifled itself".

wynyardman



Joined: 15/12/2007
Posts: 4580

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 19:48

Has anyone heard lately from Wackyjim?



I for one miss his dry uncompromising humour. At least he used to keep that reprobate Jock, under control.



Come back Wacky. Some of us (the more pleasant Board members, miss you!)



wynk.

wynyardman



Joined: 15/12/2007
Posts: 4580

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 19:53

I was interviewing a position for a new medical secretary.



I asked,...Do you use a Dictaphone/ Yes she replied! I said, If you get the position here, you will have to use your finger, like anyone else!



wyn

wynyardman



Joined: 15/12/2007
Posts: 4580

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 19:57

There she sits, with gathering scorn,



Nursing her wrath, to keep it warm.



Robbie Burns.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 20:07

Wyn. ) ) )

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 21:19

I think I'm bulimic.



Every time I watch my wife eat, I feel sick.    

Jeannie


Joined: 04/08/2009
Posts: 3283

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 21:22

I like the old joke:



Wife to husband - do these trousers make my bum look big?



Husband - it's got nothing to do with the trousers.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 21:25

I said to my wife .. 'What do you want to do today?' ...



'I dunno' .. she said .. 'let's think' ...



'No", I said, let's do something you can do too'    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 21:29

My wife accused me of being self-important.



I nearly fell off my throne.    

wynyardman



Joined: 15/12/2007
Posts: 4580

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 21:29

No 1 I really enjoyed that! Your best yet!



wyn

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 21:30

My wife is the double of Kate Moss.

Kate is eight stone and my wife is sixteen stone.    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 21:34

My wife asked me for something that does nought to sixty in 5 seconds for her birthday.



I bought her a set of bathroom scales.    

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 21:34

Indeed vicious. In the middle of the Masai Mara my wife said we had to turn about as she needed the toilet. Told her that the nearest lodge was some thirty miles away and she would have to alight our Landrover and pee up against the tailboard. My knowledgeable daughter, a resident of Kenya at that time, said, "no way Dad, what if she is attacked by a vicious lion" ?. I said "it will get no help from me and it takes it own chances". Many, many years on my wife is still known within the family as "the Wildebeest" !

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 21:36

My wife asked, "Why don't we have sex any more?"



I said, "What do you mean, we?"    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 21:38

After years of threatening to leave, last night my wife finally broke my heart.



She's staying.    

Jeannie


Joined: 04/08/2009
Posts: 3283

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 21:41

Bill - have you been reading the Les Dawson joke book?



Making me laugh out loud

spider


Joined: 03/01/2009
Posts: 5527

Message Posted:
19/05/2010 22:27

Thanks you lot,I just love em..







Spider,X

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
20/05/2010 00:04

you lot are so so bad but i love you, you have made me laugh so much, i cant think of a joke but i will, never the less thank you from me xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

liverbird


Joined: 17/05/2010
Posts: 8

Message Posted:
20/05/2010 00:40

laughed so much, so funny you lot the tears were tripping me

Jeannie


Joined: 04/08/2009
Posts: 3283

Message Posted:
20/05/2010 01:46

Message 24. Wyn.

This joke has (as my late Mother would say) whiskers on it. No matter - so have most of the others on this thread. However, the original (or as I first heard it) had the line "I was interviewing a new secretary". Now, please enlighten me as to why you felt the need to insert the word "medical" in front of "secretary"?



To any readers who may think I'm suffering with paranoia - I'm not. John Cooper and I have had our differences in the past and I, obviously foolishly, thought these were behind us. Apparently, not.



Mr Cooper - I urge you not to start your vendetta again, by any means, even stooping so low as making snide comments. You are as transparent as a pane of glass and it's not lost on me.



Jean Wickenden

nurseawful



Joined: 06/02/2009
Posts: 5934

Message Posted:
20/05/2010 06:40

Hubby suggested we try a new position last night so I lay on the sofa with a beer and f..ted and snored while he did the ironing.!!



Chris

wynyardman



Joined: 15/12/2007
Posts: 4580

Message Posted:
20/05/2010 07:21

Jean,



For heavens sakes! THEY ARE JOKES



wyn

deecyprus4


Joined: 27/07/2008
Posts: 3452

Message Posted:
20/05/2010 07:53

Jeannie, old shits die hard...iykwim xx

keithcaley



Joined: 13/06/2008
Posts: 2521

Message Posted:
20/05/2010 08:01

What was the title of this thread?...

Ah yes!

That's all right then, I thought that it had gone off-subject for a minute

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
20/05/2010 08:54

msg 43, That's all right then.....lol

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
20/05/2010 08:55

When do woman crave for a mans company....When he own's it.

Corbo



Joined: 13/09/2009
Posts: 627

Message Posted:
20/05/2010 09:17

'Ah, here's the kitchen, I can see you now bending over the oven; but I can't see the oven.'

zookeeper


Joined: 17/03/2010
Posts: 168

Message Posted:
20/05/2010 09:45

I can't believe that after more than twenty years of marriage my wife kicked up such a row just because I borrowed her toothbrush. I mean, how else could I get the dogs--t off my trainers.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
20/05/2010 10:25

At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
20/05/2010 10:26

The Crowd cheered.



The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
20/05/2010 10:28

Does anyone have the owner's manual for a wife?



Mine's emitting a terrible whining noise.    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
20/05/2010 10:30

A middle-aged wife walks into the living room naked.



Her husband says, "Why are you naked?"



She replies, "This is my love dress."



Then the husband replies, "Well go and iron it."    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
20/05/2010 10:35

The wife complained to me that I do not take her seriously.



I had to laugh    

wynyardman



Joined: 15/12/2007
Posts: 4580

Message Posted:
21/05/2010 20:44

Re message 44. I note that not much has improved with your language!



wyn

wynyardman



Joined: 15/12/2007
Posts: 4580

Message Posted:
21/05/2010 20:47

Just what was the title of this thread?

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
21/05/2010 21:33

Wyn. I think it should have been - women are pussycats! :L))

Ailletoo


Joined: 24/01/2009
Posts: 1003

Message Posted:
22/05/2010 07:51

My wife just ran away with my best friend! I've never met him but I can't wait to shake his hand! Boom, boom!

Spearfish



Joined: 23/04/2010
Posts: 149

Message Posted:
22/05/2010 14:25

My wife was a very good housekeeper, she even kept it after the divorce.

Spearfish



Joined: 23/04/2010
Posts: 149

Message Posted:
22/05/2010 14:27

If your wife is at the front door shouting, and your dog is at the back door barking, wich one should you let in first, .

The dog because atleast he will shut up once he gets inside.