Dont forget your underwear . (Joke)

HAPPY FEET


Joined: 18/07/2008
Posts: 416

Message Posted:
26/05/2010 17:26

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working

under your vehicle.



From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple who

drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in

the car park.



The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he

fixed the car.



The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the

car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs

protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the

man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private

parts into glaringly public ones..



Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped

forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked

everything back into place.



On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found

he

HAPPY FEET


Joined: 18/07/2008
Posts: 416

Message Posted:
26/05/2010 17:27

herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by

watching.



The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his

forehead.

greylag


Joined: 08/04/2009
Posts: 1110

Message Posted:
26/05/2010 17:30

Very funny,

Grey.

Smity



Joined: 14/09/2009
Posts: 826

Message Posted:
27/05/2010 15:14

Look before you tuck

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
27/05/2010 21:47

Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.

"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.

"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.

"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.

Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."

"A what?" asked the builder.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
27/05/2010 21:48

"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"

A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."

"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"

"A pond" the builder replied.

"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."

"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.

"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."

The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."

"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."

"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.

The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."

"Never!" the builder exclaimed.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
27/05/2010 21:48

"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"

The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"

"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."

"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.

"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"

"No" replied his mate.

"Well, you're a w**ker then!"

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
27/05/2010 21:59

A brain challenged honeymooner was travelling with his new wife by car when he had a sudden urge to consumate his marriage immediately. As they were at that time urban rather than rural and it was daylight his newly wed, being slightly less brain challenged, was concerned that they might be seen, so they coupled underneath the car in a layby for buses. Inevitably, Plod arrived, "Ello, Ello, Ello, whats going on 'ere then" ?



"I am mending my car" replies brain challenged. Plod replies "I don't think so Sir, your feet are the wrong way up, you are attracting a very large crowd, and ..... your car was stolen 10 minutes ago" !

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
27/05/2010 22:06

They say that women love a man in uniform.



I think that's absolute rubbish. I've been out clubbing in my McDonald's uniform for the last three nights and I haven't had any success.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
27/05/2010 22:12

I went to casualty yesterday and said to the nurse, "I've been stung by a wasp, have you got anything for it?"

The nurse replied, "Whereabout's is it?"

I said, "I don't know, it could be miles away by now."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
27/05/2010 22:12

'Ventriloquist Ray Alan dies suddenly aged 79'



Neither Lord Charles or Tich and Quackers were available for comment.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
27/05/2010 22:14

How do you reward a postman?



Give him a postman pat.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
27/05/2010 22:15

I went down to my local shop to make a complaint. I said "this vinegars got lumps in it". The gentleman replied "those are pickled onions"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
27/05/2010 22:17

I just got the part of Gandulf in the Lord of the Rings show at my local theatre. My costume's amazing but they wont give me the long wooden stick....... Well you can't get the staff these days!

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
27/05/2010 22:23

Gene Pitney's mates were of a similar age to him and at the rehearsals for the forthcoming funeral to be attended by many they struggled with the weight of the American style large casket. So overnight they crafted one in wood to substitute. The funeral went well until his mates carried the coffin into church singing aloud "It was only 24 hours from Balsa" !

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
27/05/2010 22:25

Gene Pitney's mates were of a similar age to him and at the rehearsals for the forthcoming funeral to be attended by many they struggled with the weight of the American style large casket. So overnight they crafted one in wood to substitute. The funeral went well until his mates carried the coffin into church singing aloud "It was only 24 hours from Balsa" !

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
27/05/2010 22:29

Did you hear about the new line of Elvis Presley themed steakhouses



They will be for people who love meat tender.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
27/05/2010 22:33

Do you think Dolly Parton's song would've been as popular if she worked 8.00 till 3.15?