Joke: Don't mess wirh a Camel :0)

HAPPY FEET


Joined: 18/07/2008
Posts: 416

Message Posted:
28/05/2010 11:49

Joke: A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the

Afghanistan Desert . During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a

Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.



He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.



The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men

here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'.

That's why we have Molly The Camel.'



The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand

about 'urges', so the camel can stay.'



About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy

with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.



Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls

his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he

asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'



'No not really, sir.. They usually just ride the camel into town w

HAPPY FEET


Joined: 18/07/2008
Posts: 416

Message Posted:
28/05/2010 11:50

Where the girls are !!!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
28/05/2010 17:43

Brilliant. ) ) )

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
28/05/2010 17:44

I bet he had the hump. )

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
28/05/2010 17:50

Paddy and Murphy are sat on a diving boat, when two divers suit up and tip backwards over board, Paddy turns to Murphy and says"why do they dive in backwards and not forwards?" "Don't be stupid Paddy" says Murphy "if they dived in forwards they'd stil be in the bloody boat!"    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
28/05/2010 17:52

Since starting my new job as a cabbie outside Heathrow I only seem to be doing one route for all the Chinese people.

They're rude too, no pleasantries, they just jump in and shout "Harrow"    

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
28/05/2010 21:50

A new army recruit to Africa has been warned to be careful that he is not ripped off when he intends to hire a camel at the water hole to travel from Tripoli to Tobruk. He asks the Arab owner how much and is asked "3 or 5 dirhams." ? He asks what is the difference in camels and told 3 dirhams gets a camel which can go 3 days without water and 5 dirhams 5 days. How do I know I will get a 5 day one if I pay 5 dirhams they all look the same, he asks. The Arab goes behind a camel drinking water and clouts its nuts together with a large rock in each hand. The camel screams and gulps up huge draughts of water. The Arab confirms it as a 5 day camel. "Strewth" says the Squaddie "Doesn't that hurt" ? The Arab replies "Only if I catch my fingers between the bricks" !

johnnybgoode


Joined: 08/12/2008
Posts: 252

Message Posted:
29/05/2010 10:28

the old one's are the best

Sazna


Joined: 12/09/2009
Posts: 1177

Message Posted:
29/05/2010 16:39

A lady goes to her Dr and says, Dr every time i pull my knickers down i start whistling down there, the Dr said don't be ridiculous let me take look so the lady pulls down her knickers and a beautiful tune stars to play. The Dr astounded said "i have never seen such a thing do mind if i record it so i can show my students to see what they make of it ?" the lady agrees.

The next day at the end of his lecture the Dr puts on the tape and asks the students to tell him what they think it might be as the beautiful tune plays one of his students puts his hand up and says " That' some c**t whistling init"

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
29/05/2010 17:59

The old ones are the best as old age has brought short term memory loss due to dementia and I recall nothing current ! Hope johnnybegoode does not suffer similarly with musical recall. Even I remember a song of that name. (s...t, where did I last tie up me hoss)

smithy


Joined: 17/07/2008
Posts: 5301

Message Posted:
29/05/2010 18:19

BRILLIANT ) )

Dusterbruce


Joined: 03/08/2007
Posts: 1125

Message Posted:
29/05/2010 22:24

You will need to understand Yorkshire dialect for this but here goes.



Two violinists return to their places in the orchestra at the end of the interval.

One asks the other 'Where's t'harpist?'

He replies 'At t'back o't grand piano, where's tha pissed'?

wearytravellers



Joined: 27/04/2007
Posts: 250

Message Posted:
31/05/2010 07:00

EXPERIENCE



Old bull and young bull in the top field looking down at all the cow's in the bottom field. Young bull says let's run down to the bottom field and screw one of the cows.Old Bull say's let's just gently and slowly walk down and screw them ALL !!!!

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
31/05/2010 17:32

Did the bull sweat because he had a tight Jersey ?

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
31/05/2010 21:29

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

"I'd like to be twelve again", she replied, still looking in the mirror..

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,

and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
31/05/2010 21:31

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
31/05/2010 21:33

He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.



"I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!"



The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
31/05/2010 21:37

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both "married to other people," found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted