tickled me anyway

ilovecyprus


Joined: 08/05/2007
Posts: 2880

Message Posted:
14/07/2008 13:41

This is supposedly a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public.







Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,



Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police

station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try

e-mailing you instead.



Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues

in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.



As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I

think you call them youths) in St Marys Crescent, which is just off St

Marys Road in Bodmin.



Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a

football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an

earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This

game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system

works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.



The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several

bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully

dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting

about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed.



I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited

attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between the

two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs

off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to

lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half

the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.



What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless

assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why

not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when

there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before

doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve

no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.



I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these

throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head

start before coming to arrest me.



I remain sir, your obedient servant







???????





---------------------------------------------------------------------









Mr ??????,



I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems

caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered

in trying to contact the police.



As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an

offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss

the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and

when may be suitable.





Regards





PC ?



Community Beat Officer







---------------------------------------------------------------------







Dear PC ?





First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my

original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for

Bodmin Police station, and rest assured that I will forward these details

to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.



Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat

officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In

the five or so years I have lived in St Marys Crescent, I have never seen

you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated

the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his

forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a

matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.



Whilst I realise that ther

simbas



Joined: 16/07/2007
Posts: 5943

Message Posted:
14/07/2008 13:58

hi ilc , i have never laughed so much , it was brilliant , but i suspect for the poor person who was writing the complaint , it was not funny and was no laughing matter

regards , simbas

ilovecyprus


Joined: 08/05/2007
Posts: 2880

Message Posted:
14/07/2008 14:01

glad you liked it simbas. made me laugh hysterically too

goonerstan



Joined: 14/04/2008
Posts: 397

Message Posted:
14/07/2008 14:33

absoulutely brilliant, made my bad day (monday)

lovelife


Joined: 07/07/2007
Posts: 231

Message Posted:
14/07/2008 14:36

Whilst it is not funny to the person involved, I have to say I have had a good laugh.



Wonder if his name is Victor? and long may he continue.



LL

simbas



Joined: 16/07/2007
Posts: 5943

Message Posted:
14/07/2008 14:55

hi ll , how are you both ? any nearer to moving yet ?

kind regards to you both , pat

cyprusishome


Joined: 31/03/2007
Posts: 2381

Message Posted:
14/07/2008 15:17

Sorry that you pity the poor person because this is one of those "e-mail" things that does the rounds regularly with the names changed as it goes.



Like the one about the complaint about computer not working and many others.

ilovecyprus


Joined: 08/05/2007
Posts: 2880

Message Posted:
14/07/2008 16:00

now you have spoilt all the fun

herindoors


Joined: 13/01/2007
Posts: 138

Message Posted:
14/07/2008 18:37

I don't care who wrote it, on a miserable Monday it brought a smile to my face!

lovelife


Joined: 07/07/2007
Posts: 231

Message Posted:
14/07/2008 18:41

Hi Pat



We are both ok, received some photos today and the villa is coming along, should be ready beginning next year, so keep fingers crossed.

If you get your flight hope you both have a good time.

Kind regards

Julie.

simbas



Joined: 16/07/2007
Posts: 5943

Message Posted:
14/07/2008 19:10

so glad to hear everything is progressing well , the time will fly by i'm sure

you take care

regards pat

cyprusishome


Joined: 31/03/2007
Posts: 2381

Message Posted:
14/07/2008 20:10

I L C



If I am having a bad time why should you b****rs enjoy yourselves!!!!!! LOL



Will try to dig out some appropriate internet humour after I chill from seeing solicitor for the nth time!!!!!!

ilovecyprus


Joined: 08/05/2007
Posts: 2880

Message Posted:
14/07/2008 20:21

Hope it gets sorted for you cyprusishome. Good luck