Dear USA Ths is a joke

Ailletoo


Joined: 24/01/2009
Posts: 1003

Message Posted:
11/06/2010 15:44

After over 200 years of letting you run your own country we have decided that you are terrible at it. We are therefore reclaiming the USA with immediate effect. From midnight tonight the Queen is your official head of state.

Here are a few tips to help you through the transition.



1. When spelling words please ensure you use all the letters. We are aware it is important for you to look very busy but missing the o from oestrogen for example, will not save you any time. We will provide free English language courses for everyone.



2.There is no such thing as American English - we will let Microsoft and Apple know on your behalf.



3. When attempting to speak English please ensure you learn the correct pronunciation. Aluminium is a silvery metal, (Aluminum) is not.



4. You will no longer be allowed to make cars. American cars are big, slow and crap. You will instead have to buy European cars as they at least have style.

Ailletoo


Joined: 24/01/2009
Posts: 1003

Message Posted:
11/06/2010 15:46

continued...



You will no longer be allowed to make cars. American cars are big, slow and crap. You will instead have to buy European cars as they at least have style.



5. You will no longer be allowed to play American Football. Running around wearing full body armour and stopping every 10 seconds is not cool. You will instead have to learn to play Football. It is a complicated game so initially you will only be allowed to play with the girls. In time if you may be allowed to join the boys.



6. You will no longer be allowed to export disgusting fast food, crappy films and shows. We have had quite enough of the McDonalds 18 000 calorie breakfast!



Yours Sincerely,



Great Britain

Mr Vince


Joined: 24/07/2008
Posts: 696

Message Posted:
11/06/2010 16:17

Dear Great Britain The next time germany decides to invade either France or Poland, you can go and try fight them on your own. Just remember that we won your last couple of wars for you. Also remember that if Iran develops nuclear weapons, that your tiddly arsenal of Trident neuks are made in the USA, and we have spare parts.

As for our cars.....well remember that FORD is a good ol US of A Corporation as is GM who make your little Vauxhalls. That leavs you with eithe Kraut cars; Cheese eating surrender monkey French cars or Rice munching Nip cars. Does anyone in Englandshire still make an Englishshire vehicle.

As for famous charecters in history; William Bravehart Wallace had a USA accent, as did Robin Hood, and your Good Ol Henry 8th was truely a Yank....just look at the size of his lard ass. Must have been. 6 wives

As for sports. We brought you WWE and Wrestlemania. We have the world champions at Baseball and Ice Hocky. We invented Cage Fighting and Nascar, like skelectric

BoTanica


Joined: 22/12/2009
Posts: 714

Message Posted:
11/06/2010 16:57

Don't forget the Americans invented twinkies!! I got hooked on them when I went to America, and brought loads back with me!!

Brinsley


Joined: 04/04/2009
Posts: 6858

Message Posted:
11/06/2010 17:05

I renamed 'Thanksgiving Day' to 'Thank God They Left Day'!



Richard

Clarissa2


Joined: 12/06/2009
Posts: 1476

Message Posted:
11/06/2010 17:25

Re : Msg 1&2,



Very good, Ailletoo!



When I spoke to my American colleagues, one of them kept asking me :"Say it again." I asked her whether it was difficult for her to understand my speech. She said : "Oh , no. I just love the way you speak - so beautiful!"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
11/06/2010 18:24

7. You are no longer allowed to drive on the right.

DutchCrusader



Joined: 19/05/2008
Posts: 11280

Message Posted:
11/06/2010 18:31

RE msg 1, Ailletoo: (...) 2.There is no such thing as American English - we will let Microsoft and Apple know on your behalf. (...)

=> Oh no, you bl**dy won't! Inform Acorn (1980?) and other long gone British computer companies, but don't interfere with Apple - before they end up as a Japanese company ("British assembled", haha!) also...



Btw: British English on computers is an obsolete option only. A couple of years and nobody will talk about "British English" anymore - except in the UK...



RE msg 3, Mr Vince: (...) We have the world champions at Baseball (...)

=> Mr Vince, I sympathize with your nationality, but no, sorry, you don't. A couple of pro teams in the States claim the right to play for the world title ("in the USA only", haha!) but the rest of the world play a decent competiton between all countries in this world (members of the European and Baseball Federations on other continents).

fiendishpaul


Joined: 18/05/2008
Posts: 1720

Message Posted:
11/06/2010 18:47

Hans



I think you will find that Mr Vince's comment about baseball was 'tongue in cheek' and designed to make precisely the point that you are making.... i.e. the americans play for the 'World Series' but only american teams are allowed to compete.



Nice to see you back posting !!



Paul

Mr Vince


Joined: 24/07/2008
Posts: 696

Message Posted:
11/06/2010 19:50

Mr Dutch C



Mr Vince, I sympathize with your nationality, but no, sorry, you don't??????????



What is it with you? Been on the Herbal Ciggies again.



At least I have dual Nationality to be proud of and a couple of national identities. I am Scottish of American extraction, so I am proud of my heritage. What about yours. Without us Scotts and Yanks then you lot would have little clipped mustaches and be doing the goose step dancing the Polka, and the men would be just the same. Obviously irony is lost on the Teutoic races.

Brinsley


Joined: 04/04/2009
Posts: 6858

Message Posted:
11/06/2010 20:04

Paul Msg 9

The all American baseball competition between teams was first sponsored by a now defunct Department store called 'The World' hence the name, 'The World Series'.



Richard

DutchCrusader



Joined: 19/05/2008
Posts: 11280

Message Posted:
11/06/2010 20:13

RE msg 10, Mr Vince: (...) We have the world champions at Baseball (...)

=> I quoted exactly what you wrote and underline here your "We". Strange that I thought you are American? OK, maybe you can write next time "They"?

(...) Obviously irony is lost on the Teutoic races. (...)

=> Humo(u)r again, I suppose? Probably. Or possibly. But, errm..., where do the "Teutoic races" live?!

SamAdams


Joined: 17/03/2010
Posts: 30

Message Posted:
11/06/2010 21:06

Mr. Vince …spot-on (as the Brits say). I personally believe that the Brits are still upset over 1776.



http://aphr.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/boston-tea-party-2007-small.jpg



Sorry if it is painful, but yes we had to teach you a lesson a few hundred years ago….get over it. We did.



http://donnawissinger.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/WashingtonCrossingDelaware.JPG



As much the Brits love to mock America …it’s quite obvious that the British males are insecure because they can’t hang where it counts….whether today or 70 years ago….



http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/873862.stm



http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/article598677.ece?token=null&offset=0&page=1



No hard feelings my British friends, I understand your attempts at humor (not humour) comes from your inadequacies. Yet - I still love you!



Sam Adams

newscoop


Joined: 23/12/2007
Posts: 2197

Message Posted:
11/06/2010 23:52

Speaking as the son of a Canuk (Canadian) we and the Brits stuffed the yanks in 1812, the Brits burned the White house, and we invented ice hockey and basketball otherwise known as netball, a game played by women. Come to think of it isn't baseball really rounders? (a game for young kids)



And where would the yanks be without Canadian bacon?

SamAdams


Joined: 17/03/2010
Posts: 30

Message Posted:
12/06/2010 14:43

Canada became fully independent in 1982 with Canada Act (also called Constitution Act 1982). Took you guys awhile to stand on your own - eh!?

newscoop


Joined: 23/12/2007
Posts: 2197

Message Posted:
12/06/2010 17:18

samAdams



Our problem was all the yanks who had the sense to come north in 1776 or whenever.



Anyway what about 1812, the white house burning, and the fact that you lot can't invent your own games?



As for anything called the world series? don't make me even remind you about the fact that usually these things involve more than one country.



The Blue Jays 1992/93 don't count.

Brinsley


Joined: 04/04/2009
Posts: 6858

Message Posted:
12/06/2010 17:28

Newscoop

You're really on the ball today, I answered that in Msg 11! Reading problems?



Richard

newscoop


Joined: 23/12/2007
Posts: 2197

Message Posted:
12/06/2010 20:02

Bloody hell just what the world needs a recalcitrant Maori!



Brins all you put in mess 11 was the old saw about a department store.



The yanks actually believe that the world series is just that, which is why they call the superbowl and world series winners "World Champions"



Comprende?

SamAdams


Joined: 17/03/2010
Posts: 30

Message Posted:
12/06/2010 20:07

You see Newscoop – that’s a Redcoat for you. You’re on his side and now he’s trying to wind you up. You can’t trust them (think Chamberlain = Appeasement). You’re more than welcome to view yourself as a fellow North American – rather than a Brit sympathizer.



As you observed, the Brits graciously helped us in the initial phases of remodeling of the White House. However as the war ended, please note that America defeated the British invading army at New Orleans (US – 71 casualties to Brits – 2000 casualties).



Anyway, glad all of that nasty stuff is behind us. It seems to have all worked out in the end. Now – the Brits have the free time to become the most hated tourist wherever they go!



http://scoutabout.com/2008/10/the-rude-ugly-british-tourist/



Keep up the good work!

Yours truly,

SamAdams

newscoop


Joined: 23/12/2007
Posts: 2197

Message Posted:
12/06/2010 20:08

And while we're on the subject the current real world champions of ice hockey and basketball are............



Czech Republic and Spain.

SamAdams


Joined: 17/03/2010
Posts: 30

Message Posted:
12/06/2010 20:19

True – but the Brits will always be the champs at cross-dressing.



I’m surprised KAR has not picked up any of these yet:



http://culturemap.com/newsdetail/04-22-10-british-cross-dressing-reaches-new-level-with-the-sheep-pig/

newscoop


Joined: 23/12/2007
Posts: 2197

Message Posted:
12/06/2010 20:32

Sam



You don't by any chance play the banjo do you?



By the way; we got the best part of Niagara. You got Buffalo.

Brinsley


Joined: 04/04/2009
Posts: 6858

Message Posted:
12/06/2010 20:41

Now I know Newscoop is 'on' something and it's not intelligence; but it might very well be a mind expanding experience into reality! Lets hope so!



Richard

SamAdams


Joined: 17/03/2010
Posts: 30

Message Posted:
12/06/2010 20:57

Newscoop,



What a shame – I tried to extend the olive branch and you make a cheap hillbilly joke. Yes, I admit it; we have rednecks in the USA. To be fair, I didn’t ask if you were one of the only three people in the Commonwealth who owns a toothbrush. I don’t judge everyone by a popular stereotype. After all, I am sure that some who come from England may actually have more teeth than fingers.



Still love you guys,

SamAdams

phylray



Joined: 21/09/2007
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
13/06/2010 01:05

Oh well, the rest of us Brits. who are not wholly ~ENGLISh must take aback seat as usual

Reminds me of when I was teaching in U.A.E and a young Canaian teacher was asked by our

local employer about where the folk from her part came from and she said England! Now I know

that Thunder Bay has MANY HIGHLAND GAELIC FOLK TOO. God bles them.