How Fights Start...

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
12/06/2010 13:53

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly

into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a

different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"



And that's how the fight

started...

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
12/06/2010 13:54

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked,

'What's on TV?'



I said, 'Dust.'



And then the fight

started......

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
12/06/2010 13:54

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I

turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?""No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."



And then the fight started....

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
12/06/2010 13:55

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I

want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' So I bought her a bathroom scale.



And then the fight started.....

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
12/06/2010 13:55

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office..She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'



And then the fight started...

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
12/06/2010 13:56

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a

drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.My wife asked, 'Do you know her?''Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we

split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.''My Goodness!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'



And then the fight started...

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
12/06/2010 13:56

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll

have the steak, medium rare, please."He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

"Nah, she can order for herself."



And then the fight started.....

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
12/06/2010 13:57

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what

she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment. 'The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'



And then the fight started........

Chelpet


Joined: 10/03/2010
Posts: 253

Message Posted:
26/08/2010 18:29

Just couple more that came to light,



Christmas was coming up so my my wife asked what we were going buy her Mother, I said nothing, she said why, I replied last year we bought her a plot in the cemetery, and she hasnt opened that yet



Thats how the fight started.



Our anniversary was coming up, and my Wife said where are we going, I would like to go somewhere I have not been for a while, so I took her to the kitchen.





The doctors say I will walk in time but will always have a limp.

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
26/08/2010 19:03

Chelpet, don't encourage him !!!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
26/08/2010 19:46

I'm not saying anything.........yet )

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
26/08/2010 19:50

   

On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe.The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh," he exclaims, "you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."

Puzzled she asks, "My picture?"

He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe. "We are married now," the new wife says. "You can open your robe!"

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, my! Let me get a picture."

He beams and asks, "Why?"

She answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
26/08/2010 19:51

Thats when the fight started )

Jefferson


Joined: 17/05/2010
Posts: 360

Message Posted:
26/08/2010 19:52

What an enjoyable post and no back biting! More more more.

Geoff1131MK11


Joined: 04/04/2009
Posts: 396

Message Posted:
26/08/2010 19:53

My wife asked me if the new dress she had just bought made her bum look big.



I said ' no dear its your great fat arse that makes your bum look big '



Thats when the fight started.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
26/08/2010 19:53

The Cohens were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Cohen made it clear he was in a big hurry.



"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."



"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"



Mr. Cohen turned to his wife Becky. "Show him, honey."





AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED... *******************************************

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
26/08/2010 19:55

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he had been living with for the last 40 years.



The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.



The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." 



And that's when the fight started.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
26/08/2010 19:58

A little boy went up to his father and asked; "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"



The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine." 



And that's when the fight started.

wynyardman



Joined: 15/12/2007
Posts: 4580

Message Posted:
26/08/2010 19:59

That Bill is why you are No1. Keep up the good work!



wyn

spider


Joined: 03/01/2009
Posts: 5527

Message Posted:
26/08/2010 20:03

No 1 you know what I am doing ! ))





Spider,X

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
26/08/2010 20:06

I know spider, I can visualise you now. )

Geoff1131MK11


Joined: 04/04/2009
Posts: 396

Message Posted:
26/08/2010 20:12

My wife came to me one day really upset. She had been having words with one of the ladies where she works. She said to me 'Geoff you dont think that i am two faced do you?'



Of course not i told her, you would'nt be walking around with that one if you were.





And youve guessd it. Thats when the fight started.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
26/08/2010 20:13

That's funny Geoff )

Washerman


Joined: 19/09/2008
Posts: 2301

Message Posted:
26/08/2010 20:18

On my honeymoon night, we retired to the bedroom and I got undressed. My wife looked at me and said, "Who do you think that you are going to please with that!" I said "Me"



and that's when the...............

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
26/08/2010 21:33

Arrived home early and her indoors who must be obeyed was at the kitchen sink and never heard me arrive so I crept up and went into backscuttle mode. Ten seconds later, when job complete, she never turned around to see who it was so I started that fight myself even though I felt knackered !

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
26/08/2010 21:35

Me: What's that smell?



Wife: I can't smell anything.



Me: Neither can I, get that bloody cooker on.





And that's when the fight started    

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
26/08/2010 22:03

msg 19, wyn..maybe, but his jokes are No 2.

Geoff1131MK11


Joined: 04/04/2009
Posts: 396

Message Posted:
26/08/2010 22:19

Sitting with the wife one night i looked at my watch, it was 9-30pm so i said its time for the pub, put your coat on.



She said ' we've been married for 10 years and thats the first time you have ever asked me to go to the pub with you '.



I said ' i'm not taking you to the pub, i'm turning the central heating off!! '



And thats when the fight started.

spider


Joined: 03/01/2009
Posts: 5527

Message Posted:
26/08/2010 22:22

Having just had my head shaved, you all know why. Mr Spider no longer whispers sweet nothings..



He just rubs my HEAD and says All right mate !







Thats when the fight starts..





Spider )))

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
26/08/2010 23:50

Good one Spider. ) )

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
27/08/2010 02:52

Husband says to wife "Do you fancy playing a rape game?" Wife says "NO!". Husband replies "Tha'ts the spirit!"

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
27/08/2010 02:53

My mate just caught me smelling his sisters knickers. He went mental. He was screaming and shouting at me, calling me a sick pervert. To be honest it made the rest of the funeral akward for the both of us ..............

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
29/08/2010 18:17

question for no 1 .being an admin why do you not abide by forum rules?????





9. Jokes

Use "Joke: " in front of the title of all joke posts.

Do not post more than one joke per week.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
29/08/2010 18:57

Sorry. Great joke of yours by the way. )

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
29/08/2010 19:01

hey , I liked yours , would post more but read the rules ,anyway heres one for now..



What's the fastest thing on land?



Stevie Wonder's speed boat...............

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
29/08/2010 19:21

Hey,apc, you did post more! )

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
29/08/2010 19:24

Bill I dont know where you get them all, thank you all of you i havent laughed that much in ages.xxxx

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
29/08/2010 21:53

I sat on a pub stool next to a bloke built like a brick outhouse (for Hans, this was in TRNC) and when I had consumed quanities of Dutch courage I asked him if he had any photographs of his wife in the nude, to which he replied "no". I then asked him if he wanted to buy some from me. This is when the fight should have started but his first swing missed though was good enough to flatten me !

Chelpet


Joined: 10/03/2010
Posts: 253

Message Posted:
29/08/2010 22:54

Went to our local county show the other week, in the cattle sheds were shown a prize bull, the farmer the bull had to mate with ten cows a week.

Went to next pen there was another bull with roset, the farmer said his bull mated with fifty cows a week.

Went to the last pen there was bull with a load of shiny cups and a first prize roset, when I asked the owner he said his bull serviced one hundred cows in a week

My wife turned to me and said perhaps I should take note.

I said to her these bulls dont have to service the same cow all the time.

The doctors say I should recover given time.

sunshine22



Joined: 07/06/2010
Posts: 251

Message Posted:
30/08/2010 06:18

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you,



After all the stress, frustration and emotional beating up I had yesterday all of the above have got tears from laughing so much running down my face.



Keep them coming and it will keep me going...... :o)

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
30/08/2010 08:36

Sunshine..please no !! dont encourage him.

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
30/08/2010 09:11

Lilli,



I think we all know where Bill get's them from... I don't have a problem with this... but - is this is where the fight starts?

sunshine22



Joined: 07/06/2010
Posts: 251

Message Posted:
30/08/2010 12:44

jock1.........please don't be a killjoy.....he's keeping sunshine smiling in the midest of all the stress & madness here :o)

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
30/08/2010 13:47

Groan...you must be easily pleased..sigh

sunshine22



Joined: 07/06/2010
Posts: 251

Message Posted:
30/08/2010 13:55

No jock just very stressed trying to sort out a decent removal company to get me from Dubai to TRNC in the next 3 weeks........just bare with him for my sake & sanity please :o)

jessy


Joined: 04/12/2007
Posts: 289

Message Posted:
30/08/2010 22:31

you are all priceless, thankyou for brightning up my evening

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
31/08/2010 02:17

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity

British Constitution

Passive-aggressive disorder

Loquacious Transubstantiate



THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex

Nope, no more booze for me

Sorry, but you're not really my type

Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight

Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
31/08/2010 13:48

Four guys were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.



His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it.

We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."



Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.



The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune.

I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."



Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too.

My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."



Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."



They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they've lost their minds.



"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.

I slapp

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
31/08/2010 13:49

I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas.

It's a great morning for either sex or golf ' . and she said ... "Take a sweater."

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
31/08/2010 15:06

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
31/08/2010 15:09

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. ........................... Then we met

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
01/09/2010 00:21

We have been happily married for 47 years ...... she is happy....... I am married.

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
01/09/2010 01:53

good news or bad ...??



Your wife tells you, that you are better in bed than all your friends???

proger1



Joined: 18/04/2009
Posts: 2919

Message Posted:
01/09/2010 02:05

definately bad news ....

Your wife tells you that you are worse in bed than all your friends.

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
01/09/2010 05:38

Your friends have STD's would be worse...

proger1



Joined: 18/04/2009
Posts: 2919

Message Posted:
01/09/2010 05:52

Now honey, please don't take this the wrong way but you may need to go to the clinic and get some penicillin.



And that's when the fight started.

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
02/09/2010 01:30

I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations. ..... Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful.

keldanreb


Joined: 17/09/2009
Posts: 212

Message Posted:
02/09/2010 10:35

mike reid.i was in bed with my wife,when she suddenly woke up and shouted"quick,quick get out my husbands coming home". and like a fool i jumped out the window.

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
02/09/2010 10:50

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'







After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' The husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.'







and thats how..

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
02/09/2010 11:22

Newly marries Scottish couple are having their first breakfast in the dining room of their honeymoon hotel.



They overhear other newly weds also having their first breakfast...



An American man says "Pass the honey, Honey"



A Jamaican man says "Pass the sugar, Sugar"



Not to be outdone the Scotsman says "Pass the tea bag"



and that's how.....

mint1955



Joined: 30/05/2007
Posts: 988

Message Posted:
03/09/2010 18:32

Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week, and recently got my daughter an iPod for hers, and was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for fathers day.



Got my wife an iRon for her birthday. It was around then the fight started......

LaptaMike


Joined: 07/10/2009
Posts: 1679

Message Posted:
03/09/2010 19:05

all very good hehe

Alig8a


Joined: 30/08/2010
Posts: 17

Message Posted:
03/09/2010 20:24

My honeymoon started well enough, a virgin bride, a night of unbridled passion...what could be better?



However the next morning it became obvious my wife had never seen a naked man before.



As I showered she looked down at my groin and said " what's that ?".Well, I said, "remember last night and





all the pleasure you had, " Yes " she said going into a dreamy reminise - "well this is what gave you all that pleasure!"



"Oh" she said, looking down " is that all we've got left ?"



and then the .....













"Oh she said.....is that all we've got left !!!



and that's when.....

cyprusairsoft



Joined: 22/06/2009
Posts: 2066

Message Posted:
04/09/2010 11:28

husband to wife your so inconsiderate and you have given me a sexual disease



And now i have given it to my girlfirend



thats when the fight started

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
04/09/2010 19:01

A big fat woman goes to docs and asks "what is the easiest exercise i can do to

help me loose weight?" Doc replies "shake your head from side to side." ''How

often do I have to do this?'' the women asks. Doc replies "Everytime your offered

food you fat bitch !!!!



And thats how..........

rowlo



Joined: 12/10/2008
Posts: 4796

Message Posted:
04/09/2010 19:17

my missus asked for 50 quid for a new bra , i said a new bra , youve nothing to put in a bra , she says you buy pants ,dont you , fights eh ?

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
07/09/2010 15:02

john was in trouble. he forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him.



she told him "tomorrow morning, i expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, and it better be there".



next morning, john got up really early. when his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and saw a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway.



confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house. she opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
07/09/2010 15:31

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.



He shouts this is a raid everyone get on the floor!!, and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.



As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks

off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. Did anybody else here see my face?



The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.



Did anybody else see my face? he shouts again, waving his gun around.



There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner.....I think my missus caught a glimpse!

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
08/09/2010 01:43

My mate said, "I got a new dog, he's just like one of the family."



I said, "Which one? I'm guessing your wife."