Adult Nursery Rhymes (adult theme)

Goonerboy


Joined: 01/04/2009
Posts: 723

Message Posted:
24/06/2010 22:43

Had a friend round earlier with her 2 year old, and a book of nursery rhymes.



Anyway cut a long story short, made me think of adult versions we use to tell one another when were like 6 or summing....feel free to add anymore that spring to mind :



Mary had a little skirt

Twas slit right up the side

And every time that Mary sat

You could see her thigh

Mary had another skirt

Twas slit right up the front

... but she didn't wear that one very often ...







Mary had a little lamb,

It walked into a pylon,

10,000 volts went up it's arse,

And turned it's wool to nylon.





Jack and Jill

Went up the hill

To have a little fun-Stupid Jill

Forgot the pill

And now they have a son.



Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,

Her clothes all tattered and torn.

It had not been the spider that crept up beside her

But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Smity



Joined: 14/09/2009
Posts: 826

Message Posted:
24/06/2010 22:45

She was only the Pilots Daughter

But she had a fur lined cockpit

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
25/06/2010 00:17

Dickory Dickory Dock,

the mouse ran up the clock,

the clock struck "one",

smashed it's head in !

wearytravellers



Joined: 27/04/2007
Posts: 250

Message Posted:
25/06/2010 07:36

Mary Had a Little Lamb

It wouldn't stop it's grunting

everytime it gave a grunt

she kicked it's little C*%t in



Mary Had a Little Lamb

it's legs were made of jelly

anytime it jumped a fence

it landed on it's belly

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
25/06/2010 08:41

Mary had a little lamb,

She kept it in a bucket,

Every time it tried to get out,

The Bulldog tried to.......er,

Put it back in again!

mikelapta



Joined: 20/11/2008
Posts: 2186

Message Posted:
25/06/2010 09:55

Mary had a little lamb,

She also had a bear

I've often seen Mary's lamb

But I've never seen her bear



All the boys like little girls

All the boys like Mary

I love all the little boys

Whoops I'm a fairy!!!!

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
25/06/2010 10:25

Georgie Porgie pudding and pie,

kissed the girls and made them cry,

when the boys came out to play,

he kissed them too, he's funny that way !



Simple Simon met a pieman going to the fair,

said Simple Simon to the pieman,

what have you got there ?.

"PIES" you thick git !

proger1



Joined: 18/04/2009
Posts: 2919

Message Posted:
25/06/2010 10:32

Mary had a little stash,

the junkies called it snow

but everywhere that Mary went

the police were sure to go and pick her up, search her, check the weight for personal use only, keep her in the cells over night and release her with a warning.



Bah bah black sheep

have you any hash

yes sir, yes sir, its 20 quid a stash

Ive got one for the smoke heads and one for the needlers

and one for the bent cops, the dodgy fing bleeders

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
25/06/2010 10:51

The Swallow is a graceful bird,

he comes from South of Spain,

and then flies back to England,

to make his nest again.



But, as he journied homeward,

down swooped a ferking Hawk,

pulled out all his feathers, and

said, "Now you bugger walk" !

rigsby


Joined: 21/09/2007
Posts: 912

Message Posted:
25/06/2010 10:59

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water,Jill came down without her gown,she did,nt go up for water.

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
25/06/2010 11:38

Old Mother Hubbard

Went to the cupboard

To fetch her poor dog a bone.

But when she bent over

Rover took over,

And gave her a bone of his own!

satranc


Joined: 04/04/2009
Posts: 92

Message Posted:
25/06/2010 12:16

The Grand Old Duke of York

He had 10,000 men

He marched them up

To the top of the hill

Where he HAD them all again!

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
25/06/2010 15:31

Daddy Bear said "who has been eating my porridge" ? Mummy Bear said "and who has been eating my porridge" ? And Baby Bear said "sod the porridge, where is the plasma TV and Music Centre" ? !.



Daddy Bear again said "who has been eating my porridge" ? Mummy Bear again said "and who has been eating my porridge" ? And Baby Bear went "Bbuuuurrrrpppp" !



Daddy Bear said "who has been sleeping in my bed" ? Mummy Bear said "and who has been sleeping in my bed" ? And Baby Bear said "wallop, look at the golden hair and knockers on that,..... goodnight " !

cyprusairsoft



Joined: 22/06/2009
Posts: 2066

Message Posted:
25/06/2010 15:39

she was only the admirals daughter



but she had a navel full of sea men

Tootie


Joined: 28/08/2008
Posts: 2037

Message Posted:
25/06/2010 15:43

He stood on the bridge at midnight,

His legs were all a quiver,

He heard a plop,

His c@ck fell off and floated down the river

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
25/06/2010 16:16

Strewth, Cyprusairsoft, how crude is that. I bet she knew the men who mattered ! Worse than the butcher's daughter whose undercut was dripping and the publican's daughter who pulled the wrong knob and got stout. Need a body guard to blow them away !

johnnybgoode


Joined: 08/12/2008
Posts: 252

Message Posted:
25/06/2010 16:54

the boy stood on the burning deck eating hot scollops,

one fell down his trouser leg,

and burn him on his













ankle,

bet you thought i was going to say bo**ocks.

Lagoned


Joined: 22/09/2009
Posts: 33

Message Posted:
25/06/2010 17:03

old mother hubbard,

went to the cubbard,

to fetch poor rover a bone,

when she bent over

rover took over, and gave her a b**e of his own.







jack and jill went up the hill to fetch a pale of water,

jill came down with half a crown,

and not for carrying water.

AlsancakJack



Joined: 14/08/2008
Posts: 5762

Message Posted:
25/06/2010 17:09

Lets try and keep this thread a bit cleaner, as per usual there are members trying to push the limits.

This is a family forum.

AJ

Goonerboy


Joined: 01/04/2009
Posts: 723

Message Posted:
25/06/2010 20:01

Mary had a little pig,

She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little b*%^&$d.





Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,

"What have you got there?"

Said the Pie man unto Simon,

"Pies, you dumb *^%$!"





Mary had a little lamb,

The doctors were astounded,

And everywhere she went,

Gynacologists surrounded.





Jack be nimble,

Jack be quick,

But Jill prefers,

The candlestick.





Mary had a little sheep

and with the sheep she went to sleep

the sheep turned out to be a ram

and Mary had a little lamb!

Tootie


Joined: 28/08/2008
Posts: 2037

Message Posted:
25/06/2010 20:11

AJ, With respect. I dont think "as per usual there are members trying to push the limits.", but just having a little fun.

Makes a change from personal insults....

spider


Joined: 03/01/2009
Posts: 5527

Message Posted:
25/06/2010 20:15

Well said Tootie i would never ever let my kids onto the X rated forum. )) keep them coming..





Spider,X

Goonerboy


Joined: 01/04/2009
Posts: 723

Message Posted:
25/06/2010 20:21

AJ, from the very onset I have highlighted (in the title) that the thread contains adult material.



I agree its a family forum, but just trying to have some fun.



Guys lets not go too O.T.T (have the material to do so lol) and keep the thread going!



Just getting a bit fed up reading all the negative stuff coming out at the moment in the other threads, so if this one brings out a smile, its been worth it!

Tootie


Joined: 28/08/2008
Posts: 2037

Message Posted:
25/06/2010 20:24

Hear Hear Msg 22-23.



Dont phone in... its just for fun.

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
26/06/2010 00:05

Clean ones. Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, all the King's Horses and all the King's men, coulding give a t... (were very unsympathetic towards Humpty).

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, eating her curds and whey, along came a spider and sat down beside her. ( Wind your neck in, rev up, and leave with quick jerking movements you horrible, greedy, crawlie).

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard, to get herself a F ..... letter, when she got there the cupboard was bare, they had it without, it was better. (the missive referred to originated in a country on the other side of the English Channel where snails and onions are the mainstay diets).

Jack and Jill went up the hill for a bit of Hanky Panky, Jill came down with £400, he must have been a Y...... (a gum chewing gentleman with more money than brains from across the pond.

Hope these expurgated versions are not offensive !

Brinsley


Joined: 04/04/2009
Posts: 6858

Message Posted:
26/06/2010 00:23

There was an old Woman

Who lived in a shoe

She had so many children

Her uterus fell out!





Richard

Tootie


Joined: 28/08/2008
Posts: 2037

Message Posted:
26/06/2010 04:56

was wondering where you had been richard!

Was starting to think you wont upright anymore....