Joke: The Vicar said to his daughter.... ! ! !

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
11/07/2010 09:35

Katie was having a lovely, long bath, singing a happy little ditty to herself....



Suddenly, her father, the Vicar, poked his head around the bathroom dooor and said sternly:



'My child - I ealise that in this modern world, with all its evil temptations, it's hard to be good.'



Katie replied: 'I know, Daddy - it MUST be hard to be good!'



And this is what Katie loves to sing:



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T-42LlHL-I8

proger1



Joined: 18/04/2009
Posts: 2918

Message Posted:
11/07/2010 09:41

Jock took his wife to the doctor with 3 missing teeth, a broken nose and two black eyes.



The doctor asked "what happened to your wife mr Mctavish."



Jock replied to the doctor "She was going through the change"



The doctor stated "but this would not happen when a woman goes through the change"





Jock replied "It does if the change is in my F'n pocket"

paddywack


Joined: 04/05/2009
Posts: 959

Message Posted:
22/08/2010 17:50

Msg 3,

You are a sick man.

Blackbird



Joined: 11/08/2009
Posts: 1432

Message Posted:
22/08/2010 21:26

paddywack I agree with you. And it's not funny!

cronos


Joined: 26/10/2008
Posts: 2093

Message Posted:
22/08/2010 21:28

Good to see that misogyny is alive and well in the 21st century.....I thought it had died out with The Comedians in the 70's.

paddywack


Joined: 04/05/2009
Posts: 959

Message Posted:
23/08/2010 00:02

I am somewhat surprised that some of the usually vocal ladies on 44 have not commented on msg.3

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
23/08/2010 02:33

paddywack they will....................................





when they finish the ironing................

malsancak


Joined: 23/08/2009
Posts: 2874

Message Posted:
23/08/2010 08:04

A patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves."

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.

"For a male brain, £500,000. For a female brain, £200,000."

Some of the younger male relatives tried to looked shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male and female brains?"

"A standard pricing practice." said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have been used."

proger1



Joined: 18/04/2009
Posts: 2918

Message Posted:
23/08/2010 08:19

And another for the ladies.



Husband: Want a quickie?









Wife: As opposed to what?

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
23/08/2010 08:27

The definition of a 'quickie' = a Ferrari double parked outside a TRNC nightclub with the engine running and the driver's door open!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/08/2010 08:56

apc. Brilliant!!

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
23/08/2010 12:59

msg 2.... i take exception to that..it was not i.

cyprusjoker


Joined: 29/08/2009
Posts: 1107

Message Posted:
23/08/2010 13:02

Never laughed so much since grandma caught her left tit in the mangle

Harold2555



Joined: 19/04/2008
Posts: 1139

Message Posted:
23/08/2010 16:48

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately

needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my

gas with the beat of the music.



After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,

and noticed that everybody was staring at me....



Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod





Harold

Fred8


Joined: 15/01/2009
Posts: 253

Message Posted:
23/08/2010 17:01

Paddy met Mick in the street and Mick said:





'Paddy will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your

wife in the future?'





"Why?" Paddy asked.



'Because,' said Mick 'all the street was laughing when they saw you

making love yesterday'



Paddy replied 'Silly buggers! - the laugh's on them. I wasn't home

yesterday!!'

swannee7


Joined: 21/08/2009
Posts: 394

Message Posted:
23/08/2010 19:45

Harold (14) : Good one! Bet that goes on a lot in clubs/discos and high streets up & down the country!!

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
24/08/2010 02:54

A mother is sitting in the garden with her three daughters.



"Mummy," the first daughter asks. "Why am I called Rose?"



"Because when you were born a rose petal fell from that bush and landed on your forehead."



"Mummy," asked the second daughter. "Why am I called Tulip?"



"Because when you were born a tulip petal fell from over there and landed on your forehead."



The third daughter moaned: "Mnanmammmammnaamammangh!"



"Be quiet Fridge," said the mother.

Fred8


Joined: 15/01/2009
Posts: 253

Message Posted:
24/08/2010 12:45

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town.



After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.



The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, "Thisis amazing. How do you do it at your age?"



The old man grinned and said, "You got to keep the old motor running."



The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child.



The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.



She said, "Sir, you are something! How do you manage it?"



The old man grinned and said, "You gotta keep the old motor running."



A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.



The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, "Well, you surely are something awesom

Fred8


Joined: 15/01/2009
Posts: 253

Message Posted:
24/08/2010 12:48

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.



The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, "Well, you surely are something awesome! How do you do it?"



The old man replied, "It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running."



The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: "Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one is black!"

Fred8


Joined: 15/01/2009
Posts: 253

Message Posted:
24/08/2010 12:50

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not !"

WIFE: "Why not ? Don't you like being married ?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry ?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would ?"

HUSBAND: ....... ??

WIFE: "Would you live in our house ?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed ?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep ?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car ?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers ?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry ?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she wear my shoes ?"

HUSBAND: "No, her size is 7."

WIFE: -- silence -

HUSBAND: "Shit".

bonnie1707


Joined: 06/06/2010
Posts: 95

Message Posted:
24/08/2010 13:08

Here are a few one-liners for the women to balance things up a bit ...



Q: What is the difference between Government Bonds and men?

A: Government Bonds mature.



Q: Why are men like popcorn?

A: They satisfy you, but only for a little while.



Q: Why do men prefer blondes?

A: Men always like intellectual company



Q: Why are women so bad at mathemetics?

A: Because men keep telling them that this...

<-------------------------->

...is 7 inches.



Q: What do you call a woman without an a**hole ?

A: Divorced.



Q: What is the diference between

a) a toilet

b) the 'g' spot

c) wedding anniversaries

A: Nothing really -- men seem to miss them all !



But we still love you all

Crumpy



Joined: 05/06/2010
Posts: 419

Message Posted:
24/08/2010 13:32

Another for the women and an all-time favourite of Mathematicians :





A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the

dining room table:



"To My Dear Wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs

that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you

& I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope

that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the

evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight ."

Crumpy



Joined: 05/06/2010
Posts: 419

Message Posted:
24/08/2010 13:32

(Continued from above)



When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on

the dining room table:



"My Dear Husband. I received your letter and thank you for your honesty

about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind

you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our

local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will

be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students. He is young,

virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman

who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that although

it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one distinct mathematical

difference:



"18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18."



Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.