Joke: Not for the easily offended

dublinderm


Joined: 26/09/2009
Posts: 538

Message Posted:
18/07/2010 23:25

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs . . . enough times till her husband says...

"Are you wearing crotch less panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God for that. . . I thought you were sitting on the cat.



Services will be held Saturday, 2pm, Baxter Funeral Home

HolidayGal


Joined: 17/07/2010
Posts: 11

Message Posted:
18/07/2010 23:42

LOL...Is the services for the cat or the Husband?

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
19/07/2010 12:21

A middle aged woman watching a television programme regarding breast enhancement operations remarked to her husband that he should be willing to pay £9,000 so that she could have enlarged jubblies. The husband said "why waste £9,000 when you can achieve the same result by continually rubbing toilet paper on your breasts". The wife responded with sarcasm "as if that is going to work you tight git". The husband said "well it has worked on your arse" !

zerochlor


Joined: 03/04/2009
Posts: 4024

Message Posted:
19/07/2010 12:30

i just wet my pants!!!

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
19/07/2010 12:39

Taliban woman meets an old classmate in Kabul and they go for a coffee.



Taliban woman fishes around in her handbag and takes out a bundle of photos.



'This was my son, Mohammed - he was a martyr when he was only 24.



This was my son, Ali - he was a martyr when he was only 20.



And this was my baby, Mehmet - he was a martyr when he was only 18.'





'I remember all of them,' said her friend, 'it's so sad - they blow up so quick!'



-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
19/07/2010 13:22

I was once shown a photograph of an Iraqi standing at a bus stop in Baghdad. At least I think that is what is was. It showed only a single, charred, sandal enveloped in smoke.

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
19/07/2010 13:23

all brilliant, thanks guys xx

Smity



Joined: 14/09/2009
Posts: 826

Message Posted:
19/07/2010 14:01

MSG 3

Now I know why woman use so nuch paper saves on sexpensive cosmetic work

LOL

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/07/2010 22:14

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.



When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?"

"Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.

The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."

   

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/07/2010 22:26

I was sitting in a pub up in Scotland and a man bursts through the door and exclaims



"A just had me first bairn! and its a wee lad!"



and people well congratulating him and buying him drinks and one man in the corner shouts out



"so whit ye gunna call yer son?"



to which the man replies "Nathan"



the man in the corner is shocked by this and says



"ye canny call a child nathan! ye gotta give him a name!"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
19/07/2010 22:36

Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

I've got Amnesia

Roses are Red    

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
19/07/2010 23:34

Paddy came across the proverbial magic lamp and knew that he should immediately rub it. The Geni popped out and gave him 3 wishes. He wished to be wealthy beyond imagination. The heavens opened and there was a cascade of 1000 tons of £50 notes. He wished to be surrounded by the most beautiful 50 women in the world. The heavens opened, there was a flash of light, and when he had finished blinking, he was surrounded by the most beautiful totti he had ever seen. His final wish was to have a todger so large that it dragged upon the ground. The heavens opened, there was a clap of thunder, and a bolt of lightening which severed both his legs at the crutch !

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
20/07/2010 09:17

12 year old boy having sex with his 10 year old sister:



'Oooooooh, Johnny,' she gasps, 'you always do it better than Dad does!'



'Yeah, I know, Mary,' Johnny giggles, 'that's what Mum always says!'

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
20/07/2010 09:46

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm, so they decide to go see a doctor to

find out why. After a number of tests, the doctor suggests Paddy's wife may

be over heating during sex and recommends they buy a fan for the bedroom.

Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel

on them during sex. After about 20 mins of wafting and still no orgasm, his

friend suggests a swap. "I'll sh*g her, you waft the towel" he says. Paddy

agrees and within seconds Paddy's wife is screaming in pleasure and has the

best orgasm ever. Paddy pats his mate on the back and says "....and that my

old son, is how you waft a fu**ing towel!"

   

Tenakoutou



Joined: 27/07/2009
Posts: 4110

Message Posted:
20/07/2010 10:01

I just chundered me figs 'n WeetBix!



No1Doyen !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - You're banned!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - only for a coupla minutes, tho'!!!!!!!!

Ailletoo


Joined: 24/01/2009
Posts: 1003

Message Posted:
20/07/2010 14:57

SPOOKY WORD GAME



A.



Did you know that the words "race car" spelled

backward still spell "race car"?







B.



Did you know that "eat" is the only word that if

you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past

tense "ate"?







C.



And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in

"illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out:

"Go home, you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing,

population-crisis creating, resources-sapping, British-hating,

violent, non-English speaking assholes - and take those other hairy-faced,

sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat-loving, raggedy-arse bastards with

you"?







How spooky is that?

zerochlor


Joined: 03/04/2009
Posts: 4024

Message Posted:
20/07/2010 15:24

message 13 and 14



oh my god!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
20/07/2010 19:31

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says,"Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but.....something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it". The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch." The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says,"it's for you to decide how many inches you want.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
20/07/2010 19:33

But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher,she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor,

"have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man. 

"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

"Yes, she has," says the man.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting a new kitchen."