Top Tips

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
06/08/2008 12:05

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a Jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.





Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.





Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.





Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.





Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.





Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place..







Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.





An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.





Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.





Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.





Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.





Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.





High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.





Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.





Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.





A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.





Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.





Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.





At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next Customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.





Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.





A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.





Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. Brilliant!





Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.





Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
06/08/2008 12:13

Apologies for not deleting the swear word.

kyrenia007


Joined: 19/08/2007
Posts: 88

Message Posted:
06/08/2008 12:54

LOL, these made me laugh No1Doyen and I wasn't really in the mood today, thank you

cruggs


Joined: 06/04/2008
Posts: 498

Message Posted:
06/08/2008 13:07

hi no1doyen what a sad world we would live in if we could`nt have a laugh

i particularly liked the one about the cigar tube.would it have goneany faster if they had been hornets.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
06/08/2008 13:46

Good one Cruggs!

jacktheladett


Joined: 01/07/2008
Posts: 528

Message Posted:
06/08/2008 18:39

V. V good. Best I've seen for a long time, thx

PtePike



Joined: 20/05/2008
Posts: 2334

Message Posted:
06/08/2008 19:12

Doyen,



Nothing beats the Viz, eh? But what happened to this one:



Daily Mail editors: Confuse your readers by telling them asylum seekers are the natural predators of paedophiles.