***Girlie Wisdom!***

jakki



Joined: 23/10/2007
Posts: 865

Message Posted:
07/08/2008 11:36

I am fast approaching the big 5 0 - my friend sent me this so I thought that I'd share it with you!!



Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.



A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills...she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.



One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5lbs.



My mind not only wanders, it somestimes leaves completely.



The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.



The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.



The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.



Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.



Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.



I gave up jogging for my health when my tights kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.



Amazing! You hang something in your wardrobe for a while and it shrinks two sizes!!



The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.



I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.



Have a good one!!!

littlenige



Joined: 24/12/2006
Posts: 3594

Message Posted:
07/08/2008 12:46

i think this may have inspired the " grumpy old women" thread

wynyardman



Joined: 15/12/2007
Posts: 4580

Message Posted:
07/08/2008 13:06

jakki,



At last an honest woman.I really enjoyed that. It explains a lot!



wyn

orangekazzie



Joined: 31/07/2007
Posts: 1091

Message Posted:
07/08/2008 15:50

Brilliant - had to read it again and again because by the time I got to the bottom of the list I'd forgotten most of it

simbas



Joined: 16/07/2007
Posts: 5943

Message Posted:
07/08/2008 17:36

excellant !!!!!!!

laptagal


Joined: 28/05/2008
Posts: 549

Message Posted:
07/08/2008 17:51

Whilst you are in the mood for a laugh, here is an email I received today, I know some are old but still made me smile;

1 . Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least

> one of them would have seen it.

>

> 2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy

> marijuana, press the hash key...'

>

> 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for

> shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

>

> 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I

> couldn't find any.

>

> 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he

> couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,

> 'No, the steaks are too high.'

>

> 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him

> in.

>

> 7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He

> shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'

> The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

>

> 8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

>

> 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the

> craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your

> kayak and heat it.

>

> 10 Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered

> with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

>

> 11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his

> head.

> Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

>

> 12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'

> 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.

> 'Is it common?'

> 'It's not unusual.'

>

> 13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed,

> is there anything you can do for him?'

> 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'

> So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his

> teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What?

> Because he's cross-eyed?'

> 'No, because he's really heavy'

>

> 14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck

> up my backside.'

> 'How's that?'

> 'Don't you start.'

>

> 15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

>

> 16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

>

> 17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you

> give me a lift?'

> I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

>

> 18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5

> people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or

> my Dad,

> Or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I

> think its Colin.

>

> 19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The

> other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'

>

> 20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery

> acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let

> the other one off.

>

> 21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

> They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'

> So that was nice.'

>

> 22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in

> several places'

> The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

>

> 23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a

> small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search

> and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that

> number to climb as digging continues into the night

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
07/08/2008 18:00

The Oldies are the best! Jokes I mean!

PtePike



Joined: 20/05/2008
Posts: 2334

Message Posted:
07/08/2008 18:33

Salmam Rushdie's brought out a new book.



It's called "Buddha You Fat B*stard."

suntanman



Joined: 18/04/2007
Posts: 721

Message Posted:
08/08/2008 11:11

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.



He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

'Dear Lord:



I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.



I want her to know what I go through.



So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.



Amen!'



God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.



The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.



He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,

Awakened the kids,



Set out their school clothes,



Fed them breakfast,



Packed their lunches,



Drove them to school,



Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,



Took it to the cleaners



And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,



Went grocery shopping,



Then drove home to put away the groceries,



Paid the bills and balanced the check book.



He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.



Then, it was already 1p.m.



And he hurried to make the beds,

Do the laundry, vacuum,



Dust,



And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.



Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.



Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.



Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.



At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.



After supper,



He cleaned the kitchen,



Ran the dishwasher,



Folded laundry,



Bathed the kids,



And put them to bed.



At 9 P. M.



He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.



The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -

'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.



I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.



Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.



Amen!'



The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:



'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.

You'll just have to wait nine months, though.



You got pregnant last night.'

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
08/08/2008 11:19

Here's one:



Subject: The Vanilla Pudding Robbery



The Vanilla Pudding Robbery



This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which (allegedly)appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the

security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find

one or two large safes filled with cash &valuables, were surprised to see

hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only

a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape

system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat.'

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but

vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.

Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more

than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:



Wait for it.........



Here it comes.......



"Phantom Raiders empty entire contents of Sperm Bank"