Joke Paddy's Fingers

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
13/09/2010 14:32

Paddy's fingers

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally

cut off all 10 of his fingers.



He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.



The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.



Paddy said,

'Oi haven't got da fingers.'



'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?

Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2010

We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.

I could have put dem back on and made you like new!

Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'















And Paddy said,

' How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up !!!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
13/09/2010 21:13

Coleen Rooney is such a thick scouse bitch, when she was told wayne had paid 1200 pounds for an escort she asked if it was taxed and had an MOT    

LaptaMike


Joined: 07/10/2009
Posts: 1679

Message Posted:
13/09/2010 21:14

lol to both.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
13/09/2010 21:15

Ted loves tractors, all his life he has collected anything to do with tractors and has a barn full of them in his garden.

On his 60th birthday Ted decides he doesnt like tractors anymore and sets off into town to find a new hobby. He comes accross a house on fire and a women is leaning out of the top window shouting for help.

Ted runs to the house, opens the door and inhales all the air from inside the house, he then turns round and exhales all the smoke outside. With no oxygen the fire soon dies.

The women runs down stairs into his arms and asks "WOW How did you do that"?

He replies "Im an ex-tractor fan".

LaptaMike


Joined: 07/10/2009
Posts: 1679

Message Posted:
13/09/2010 21:16

rude one:.........















































Whats white and crawls across the dance floor?



C*m dancing. (Semen)

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
13/09/2010 21:17

Old McDonald was dyslexic



O I O I E    

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
13/09/2010 21:29

Whats 100 metres long and smells of urine ?















A Derby and Joan Club Conga.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
13/09/2010 21:30

) ) )

LaptaMike


Joined: 07/10/2009
Posts: 1679

Message Posted:
13/09/2010 21:33

I've heard of Derby and Joan clubs before. Can someone explain please? (Think I'm too young)

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
13/09/2010 21:38

Mike.you should be in bed if you are young and certainly not reading these jokes on here. )

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
13/09/2010 21:38

Top Ten. I bet Paddy now has a calculator on his Christmas Wish List. Did anyone soften the blow by buying his superfluous gloves ?

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
13/09/2010 21:42

The term 'Darby and Joan' is defined as "a happily married couple who lead a placid, uneventful life." The term is also used disparagingly to describe younger people who are perceived to favour spending their evenings in, or following pursuits seen as "middle-aged". In England, clubs for senior citizens are called Darby and Joan Clubs.

LaptaMike


Joined: 07/10/2009
Posts: 1679

Message Posted:
13/09/2010 21:44

No1, when I say young I mean i'm not in my fifties, sixties etc ;-) Only 38. Last time I heard Derby and Joan was on Steptoe and Son ;-)

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
13/09/2010 21:48

Sorry Mike. ;). )

LaptaMike


Joined: 07/10/2009
Posts: 1679

Message Posted:
13/09/2010 21:49

No1, surprised your not in bed with a cup of cocoa at 62 ;-) (Only winding you up mate )

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
13/09/2010 22:42

Mike. The kettles on and I'm on my way. )

LaptaMike


Joined: 07/10/2009
Posts: 1679

Message Posted:
13/09/2010 23:25

What do you call an honest TC builder?





Asif

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
15/09/2010 16:32

Never Lose Your Grandson!

My small grandson got lost in the new Liverpool One shopping centre the other day.

He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my granddad!"

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

"Granddad."

The guard smiled, then asked: "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied:

"Red wine, and women with big tits."

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
15/09/2010 16:33

Police in Manchester last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2000 semi-automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin, £50 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Moss Side.

Local residents were stunned.



A community spokesman said: "We're shocked. We never knew we had a f*ckin' library!"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
15/09/2010 17:12

Sending George Michael to prison is like sending a Catholic Priest to an all-boys boarding school.    

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
15/09/2010 18:20

Probably will be an open prison anyway ....... Hampstead Heath ?

ttoli


Joined: 24/03/2007
Posts: 1172

Message Posted:
15/09/2010 19:54

He's only been in a short while but has already written a song, dedicated to his skin head cell mate "Hairless Fister".



What do George Michael and Chilean Miners have in common?

Both will be free after 8 weeks of heavy drilling!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
15/09/2010 22:29

I was sitting at the bar, staring at my drink when a really big, trouble-making motor-biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one go.

"Well, what are you going to do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I cant stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you arrive and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"