modern bible story time

ilovecyprus


Joined: 08/05/2007
Posts: 2880

Message Posted:
14/08/2008 12:02

In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said:



'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.'



He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'



Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark.



'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'



'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.



My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.



We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.



Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.



Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!



When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.



Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.



I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.



To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.



So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.'



Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'



'No,' said the Lord. '..........the British Government beat me to it.'

wynyardman



Joined: 15/12/2007
Posts: 4580

Message Posted:
14/08/2008 12:16

ilc,



A real gem to start the day with!



wyn

ilovecyprus


Joined: 08/05/2007
Posts: 2880

Message Posted:
14/08/2008 12:20

thought you would like that one Wyn

PtePike



Joined: 20/05/2008
Posts: 2334

Message Posted:
15/08/2008 16:35

Bookshop owners: Annoy Christians by keeping the Bible under the "Fiction" section. Where, joking apart, it actually belongs.



(Viz top tip)

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
15/08/2008 16:56

Where does your faith lay Eric?

hattikins


Joined: 17/02/2008
Posts: 2793

Message Posted:
15/08/2008 20:19

Eric,

Don,t you mean, in your opinion. Is there any need for you to be offensive about other peoples religion just because it isn,t yours, totally uncalled for.

PtePike



Joined: 20/05/2008
Posts: 2334

Message Posted:
15/08/2008 23:01

Doyen,



My dog tags were marked "atheist" because they didn't have a category for me.

My personal view is that organised, patriarchal religions are for the naive who can't think for themselves. We should be worshipping the things around us, innit? You can also tell by msg#6 that some suspected Christians are utterly lacking in personality or wit.

Troodo


Joined: 12/06/2008
Posts: 1002

Message Posted:
16/08/2008 09:04

My dog just has his name and address on his tag.



Troodo

Happy to live in the safe area.

DutchCrusader



Joined: 19/05/2008
Posts: 11281

Message Posted:
16/08/2008 09:14

RE EricSeans : (...) Bookshop owners: Annoy Christians by keeping the Bible under the "Fiction" section. Where, joking apart, it actually belongs. (...)



I'm very pleased to read that sometimes you have very healthy thoughts.



RE hattikins : (...) Is there any need for you to be offensive about other peoples religion just because it isn,t yours, totally uncalled for. (...)



I'm offended by other peoples religion on a daily basis. But do "believers" care? No.

littlenige



Joined: 24/12/2006
Posts: 3594

Message Posted:
16/08/2008 09:31

I do so HATE having to agree With hans but he is right with this....



" I'm offended by other peoples religion on a daily basis. But do "believers" care? No. "





Belivers should be as tollerent to non believers have to be towards them.



Hans anc pvtepike seem to agree ...



pvte pike " My personal view is that organised, patriarchal religions are for the naive who can't think for themselves. We should be worshipping the things around us, innit? You can also tell by msg#6 that some suspected Christians are utterly lacking in personality or wit. "

hattikins


Joined: 17/02/2008
Posts: 2793

Message Posted:
16/08/2008 11:25

Eric,

So your constant bigotry and insults mean you have personality and wit !!!! My personal view is that you have no personality at all, you just like to get a reaction from your drivel, and it,s well known that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.

Religion is a personal thing and means different things to different people, can you not respect that, would you decry Islam when in the TRNC or is it just Christianity you mock.

PtePike



Joined: 20/05/2008
Posts: 2334

Message Posted:
16/08/2008 12:45

Hattikins,



No, I've never claimed to have personality and wit. What I said was that from my experience, many of "the flock" lack these qualities as well as the so-called Christian values they claim to aspire to. Some of the most petty, small-minded and vindictive people I know have been enthusiastic church-goers. They're not all bad though. Some are just easily led (religious wars and persecution, anyone?). As a Jehovah's Witness once said to me, "If you had a cure for cancer wouldn't you want to share it with everybody?" I had to tell him my brother's life was saved by a blood transfusion - which they are against. Orwell once said that you couldn't be a Catholic and grown up. Which describes perfectly those who believe tiny babies are born with "original sin". I could go on but zealots aren't worth the time.

PtePike



Joined: 20/05/2008
Posts: 2334

Message Posted:
16/08/2008 12:47

DC: "I'm very pleased to read that sometimes you have very healthy thoughts."



What do you mean, "sometimes"? Crack open the Oranjeboom, brother.

Troodo


Joined: 12/06/2008
Posts: 1002

Message Posted:
16/08/2008 13:52

Eric.

My dog still has his name and address on his dog tags.

HE ALSO HAS FLEAS.



Troodo

Happy to live in the safe area.

PtePike



Joined: 20/05/2008
Posts: 2334

Message Posted:
17/08/2008 02:45

Troodo,



Who could your dog have caught fleas from...?