a laugh for this morning

littlenige



Joined: 24/12/2006
Posts: 3594

Message Posted:
27/08/2008 08:22

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.



They managed to bag 6.



As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.



The two lads objected strongly. 'Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.'



Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.



However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.



Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.



After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, 'Any idea where we are?'



Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'

TRNCVaughan


Joined: 27/04/2008
Posts: 4578

Message Posted:
27/08/2008 08:46

Paddy buys a pair of Wellingtons and the salesman puts them in a bag. An hour later Paddy is back and asks:

"Can you make the string a bit longer? I keep falling over."

Ralph96



Joined: 01/07/2008
Posts: 531

Message Posted:
27/08/2008 08:50

TENJEWBERRYMUDS



To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You

will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the

end of the conversation. This has been nominated for

the best email of 2007.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel

guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia , which was

recorded and published in the Far East Economic

Review:



> Room Service

> (RS): "Morrin. - Roon sirbees."

> Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service. "

> RS: " Rye .. Roon sirbees .. morrin! Jewish to oddor

> sunteen?"

> G: "Uh..yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs."

> RS: "Ow July den?"

> G: "What?"

> RS: "Ow July den? ... pryed, boyud, poochd?"

> G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry,

> scrambled please." RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

> G: "Crisp will be fine."

> RS : "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

> G: "What?"

> RS:"An toes. July sahn toes?"

> G: "I don't think so."

> RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes?"

> G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know

> what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes!

> toes!....Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin

> we bodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You

> were saying Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will

> be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

> G: "No ... just put the bodder on the side."

> RS: "Wad! ?"

> G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

> G: "Excuse me?"

> RS: "Copy ... tea ... meel?"

> G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

> RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish

> moppin w bodder on sigh and copy .... rye?"

> G: "Whatever you say."

> RS: "Tenjewberrymuds. "

> G : "You're very welcome."

Mr Vince


Joined: 24/07/2008
Posts: 696

Message Posted:
27/08/2008 09:43

Very good



Mingeata, that well known Indian Lesbian, applies for a job in the local call centre. She flies through the initial interview and at the end is asked to compose a sentance containing 3 colours;



"The phone goes Green Green, I Pink it up and say Yellow".



She now works for a well known bank who route all their calls through Bombay. You have probably spoken to her at some point

rocky


Joined: 17/10/2007
Posts: 1749

Message Posted:
27/08/2008 10:16

when paddy took the boots back the irish salesman apologised that he had not sold a matching pair one had an L and one had an R. Paddy said thats no problem my wifes knickers have C and A on (yes its ot a new one)

TRNCVaughan


Joined: 27/04/2008
Posts: 4578

Message Posted:
27/08/2008 10:50

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman go into a bar.

The barman says "What's this? Some kind of Joke?"

Chick-A-Dee


Joined: 16/06/2008
Posts: 342

Message Posted:
27/08/2008 17:01

Ralph that was the funniest thing I have ever read ... simply brilliant. I hope no-one was offended.



Fantastic, not a lot puts a smile on my face....but you have achieved the impossible.



Tanjewberrymuds ..... brilliant!

RedSnapper


Joined: 12/08/2008
Posts: 540

Message Posted:
27/08/2008 17:08

Two Parrots sat on a perch and one says to the other one, "can you smell fish"?

Chick-A-Dee


Joined: 16/06/2008
Posts: 342

Message Posted:
27/08/2008 17:11

Redsnapper .... don't get it?

RedSnapper


Joined: 12/08/2008
Posts: 540

Message Posted:
27/08/2008 17:12

Think Perch is a fish?

berty



Joined: 11/01/2008
Posts: 216

Message Posted:
27/08/2008 17:14

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.



My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend, well... She was a dream!!!!



There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.



My prospective sister-in-law was 20 years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.



She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.



It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.



One day, little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.



She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that I was soon to be married and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome, and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.



I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said ''I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it, just come up and get me.''



I was stunned, and I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.



I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight for the front door.



I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.



My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, ''We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family !''



The moral of this story is;-.....................











''Always keep your condoms in your car''

berty



Joined: 11/01/2008
Posts: 216

Message Posted:
27/08/2008 17:20

A drunk comes stumbling into a bar one night, and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be £36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."



the old ones still raise a titter

johns


Joined: 26/07/2008
Posts: 32

Message Posted:
27/08/2008 17:26

Paddy applies for a job as a blacksmith & the blacksmith says , Paddy have you ever shoed a horse ! No said Paddy but I once told a donkey to F**K OFF

MUSIN M


Joined: 26/06/2008
Posts: 1352

Message Posted:
27/08/2008 18:01

paddy and mick going on holiday too spain for the first time on an airplane ,as their in mid air the captain comes on the loudspeaker and says, ladies and gentlemen ,no need for any alarm ,but we have lost an engine and we can easily fly with three engines ,just means we will be half hour late for our destination,20 minutes later he announces the second engine has failed ,this means they will be an hour late for their destination,20 minutes after that he announces a third engine goes ,still he assures everyone not to worry they can easily fly on one engine just means they will be 2 hours late for their destination ,paddy looks at mick and says you know what that means don,t you ,if that last engine goes we,ll be up here all night.

oneball


Joined: 23/08/2008
Posts: 10

Message Posted:
28/08/2008 14:36

a white horse walks in to a bar, and the landlord said,do you know we have a whisky named after you.

and the horse said what,norman.

berty



Joined: 11/01/2008
Posts: 216

Message Posted:
29/08/2008 12:43

A cheeseburger walked into a pub and asked for three pints of Guinness, two halves of stout, and a double Whiskey. "Out!", yelled the barman, "I've told you before, we don't serve food."

berty



Joined: 11/01/2008
Posts: 216

Message Posted:
29/08/2008 12:45

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.



My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend, well... She was a dream!!!!



There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.



My prospective sister-in-law was 20 years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.



She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.



It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.



One day, little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.



She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that I was soon to be married and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome, and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.



I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said ''I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it, just come up and get me.''



I was stunned, and I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.



I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight for the front door.



I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.



My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, ''We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family !''



The moral of this story is;-.....................











''Always keep your condoms in your car''

berty



Joined: 11/01/2008
Posts: 216

Message Posted:
29/08/2008 12:46

Newsflash: Female Hormones Found in Beer

Yesterday, Harvard University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should be concerned and take a serious look at their beer consumption.



The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoeostrogens) and that by drinking beer, men turn into women.



To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a one hour period. The following was then observed in 100% of the test subjects:



Gained weight.

Talked excessively without making any sense.

Became overly emotional.

Couldn't drive.

Failed to think rationally.

Argued over nothing.

Had to sit down while urinating.

Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

Tests results were conclusive and no further testing was considered necessary.

SteveAustin



Joined: 10/03/2008
Posts: 202

Message Posted:
29/08/2008 18:46

Gordon Brown was looking for a call girl.



He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.



To the blonde he said, 'I am the Prime Minister of England. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'



She replied, £200.



To the brunette he asked the same question. Her reply was £100.



He then asked the redhead.



Her reply was, 'Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of petrol, keep me warmer than it is in my flat and screw me the way you have Pensioners, then it isn't going to cost you a bloody penny.



Mike.

ilovemydogs



Joined: 20/04/2008
Posts: 514

Message Posted:
29/08/2008 20:43

what does a man consider a seven course meal..........



a hot dog and a six pack

ilovemydogs



Joined: 20/04/2008
Posts: 514

Message Posted:
29/08/2008 20:49

A man and his wife are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The wife puts on a robe and goes down to answer the door.



In walks her husband’s friend Ben. The woman tells him her husband’s in the shower and asks if he can come back later. Instead, Ben steps in and quietly says, "I have $400 in my pocket. I’ll give it to you if you’ll open your bathrobe for me." She’s offended, but really needs the money so she agrees, opens her robe, and lets Ben have a quick peek before doing it up again. Ben gives her the $400, and she opens the door for him to leave, but he says, "I have another $400 in my other pocket. I’ll give it to you if you let me touch your breasts." Now she’s really mortified, but again, she needs the money, so she undoes her robe and lets him have a quick feel. Taking the other $400 from him, she lets him out the door.



Going back upstairs, she gets back in the shower with her husband, feeling a little bit guilty.



"Who was that?" the husband asks.



"Oh, that was just Ben," the wife answers.



"that son of a bitch owes me $800

ilovemydogs



Joined: 20/04/2008
Posts: 514

Message Posted:
29/08/2008 21:22

Little Susie · Weddings · ChildrenAttending a wedding for the first time, Little Susie whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"



"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."



Little Susie thought about this for a moment, then said "So why is the groom wearing black

ilovemydogs



Joined: 20/04/2008
Posts: 514

Message Posted:
29/08/2008 21:24

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"



Little Johnny replied, "Because people are sleeping

kitty1


Joined: 15/03/2007
Posts: 683

Message Posted:
30/08/2008 00:27

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'



And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'



And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal

And God was pleased.



And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail .



And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'



And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'



And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.



And they were comforted

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.



After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'



And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration..'



And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.



And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.



And Adam and Eve learned humility.



And they were greatly improved.



And God was pleased . . . .. .



And Dog was happy. . . . .











And Cat didn't give a monkey's one way or the other....

ilovemydogs



Joined: 20/04/2008
Posts: 514

Message Posted:
30/08/2008 16:32

Mick & Paddy are walking home from the pub;

Mick says 'I can't be bothered to walk all that way'

'I know' says Paddy.

'But we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'

'OK then, we'll steal a bus from the depot' said Mick.

They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells paddy to go in and get a bus.

'I'll keep a lookout.' says Mick.

After shuffling around for ages Mick shouts

'Paddy, what you doing? Have you not found one yet?

Paddy shouts back 'I cant find a No: 9'

'Oh Jeysus Christ, ye thick sod'

'Take the No: 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout!'