Old timers ain't so dumb

Tootie


Joined: 28/08/2008
Posts: 2037

Message Posted:
05/11/2010 21:34

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.



The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.



So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.



The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.



The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you

pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.



This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.



The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'



The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer..........

[Continued]

Tootie


Joined: 28/08/2008
Posts: 2037

Message Posted:
05/11/2010 21:35

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'



The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.



...... He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives

up.



He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.



The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with

three legs and comes down with four?'



The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

cooper


Joined: 23/10/2007
Posts: 3386

Message Posted:
05/11/2010 21:41

Priceless )

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/11/2010 21:57

Brilliant... )

Tootie


Joined: 28/08/2008
Posts: 2037

Message Posted:
05/11/2010 22:17

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson Tractor

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.



He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers ..



Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap onto a pile of hay.



'What on earth are you doing Mick' says Paddy.

'Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Mick,

'but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/11/2010 23:13

That's funny.. )

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
05/11/2010 23:37

Toots what are you on tonight.brill though xxxx

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/11/2010 23:47

With winter approaching here is advice for driving in icy conditions

WOMEN

1, Sit in the car with the engine running and the heater on full for 15-20 minutes until the windscreen is completely clear.

2. Pull away nervously, screaming every time the wheels lose traction, sit as close to the steering wheel as possible and try to fight back the tears.

3. When reaching a gritted road continue to drive at no more than 11mph, preferably in 4th gear so that the car lurches everywhere.

4. Arrive at work leaving the car wherever it stops, enter the office and cry with other female colleagues about how frightening the journey was.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/11/2010 23:48

MEN

1. Start the car, scrape off the ice with a CD cover so that there is a 6 inch hole in the ice.

2. Accelerate wildly in an attempt to get the speedo reading 90mph while still at a walking pace.

3. When joining a vaguely gritted road drive as normal, weaving around any women travelling at 11mph.

4 Wind the driver's window down and turn the heater up to full to carry out an experiment as to whether wind chill can be beaten by the heater matrix.

5. Arrive at the work car park at a much higher speed than usual to enable a high speed handbrake turn. If possible blow the horn to alert other men to your feat of machismo.

6. Realise that you were going too fast for the conditions.

7. Exit the vehicle and inspect damage to your car, other cars you have collided with as well as damage to curbs/bollards/bystanders.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/11/2010 23:53

A blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.



One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."



"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car."



"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car."



The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.



About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"



"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
06/11/2010 00:17

A man is woken up in the middle of the night by a knock on the door.

He opens to find a snail stood there. The snail says "Are you happy with your phone subscription?"

Frustrated, the man kicks the snail and goes back to bed.



Two years later, he hears another knock in the night. The man opened the door and finds the snail is back.

The snail says "What the f*** was all that about?"

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
06/11/2010 00:30

bill, ha ha very funny took me a minute but i got there xxxxxx