The Irish you have got to Laugh

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
24/11/2010 10:37

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'



Miraculously, a parking place appeared.





Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.



'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'



'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
24/11/2010 10:38

Paddy was in New York .



He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.



He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.



After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'





Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'



'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'



'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'



'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'



She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
24/11/2010 10:40

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'



The man said, 'I do, Father.'



The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'



Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'



'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.



'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.



Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'



O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'



The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'



O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

CJtill


Joined: 02/05/2008
Posts: 836

Message Posted:
24/11/2010 12:19

Paddy was walking through Soho one dingy evening when a lady of the night approached him and whispered in his shell like, sleep with me for £20.

After some thought, which in itself was quite an achievement, he pointed out that though he was not tired, the money would come in useful.

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
27/11/2010 13:29

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses £500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Patrick Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost £500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
27/11/2010 13:30

A man is watching a game of golf on TV. But he keeps switching channels to a dirty movie

featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.



"I don't know whether to watch them or the game", he says to his wife.

"For Heaven's sake, watch them," his wife says. "You already know how to play golf!"