Neg Nick "joke of the week"

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
30/11/2010 17:55

What's the difference between a strawberryfield and a battery?



A strawberryfield has more Poles.......

Pipie


Joined: 05/01/2008
Posts: 5499

Message Posted:
30/11/2010 18:16

Just looooooooove it !!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
30/11/2010 18:56

What do you call 100,000 frenchmen with their hands up?



The army.    

daisy dukes


Joined: 06/09/2008
Posts: 3815

Message Posted:
30/11/2010 18:58

Don't know...don't care....but i'm sure it's derogatory!





DD

jamestalbot


Joined: 20/12/2009
Posts: 958

Message Posted:
30/11/2010 19:29

DD your right it is derogatory, is he targeting the Polish in England or elsewhere, take pity on him he thinks he is funny.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
30/11/2010 19:59

lighten up james - start worrying about your deeds, how you are going to keep warm in your villa over the next 4 months, the litter strewn beaches - oh and the builders rubble dumped everywhere...........



here's one to keep you going....



Me mate sent me a text with just the letters A G N B.



I thinks it's bang out of order.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
30/11/2010 20:05

I was in Tesco tonight and a woman dropped dead in front of me at the checkout.



I felt really sorry for her, as she'd just bought a Bag For Life.

daisy dukes


Joined: 06/09/2008
Posts: 3815

Message Posted:
30/11/2010 20:13

Would that be the Russian bird that Dave is now shacked up with?



DD

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
30/11/2010 20:42

) ) )

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
30/11/2010 20:43

Just got a Christmas job



I will be helping Audley Harrison punch his way through the doors of his advent calendar.    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
30/11/2010 20:45

I have just tried ringing my broadband provider, There was a message saying 'We are extremely short staffed due to the recent snowfall, so please bare with us'.



It must be snowing in India too.    

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
01/12/2010 04:38

mess 9 - that's her, Daisy - Lousy as ball control (bowling alley, get it) - as i recall..................

Rottolover



Joined: 21/06/2009
Posts: 519

Message Posted:
01/12/2010 08:40

No 1, why would you want to bare anything in a snowstorm?

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
01/12/2010 11:09

Rottolover. ) ) )

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
03/12/2010 13:26

The English couple held for ransom in Somalia are to release a DVD next week detailing their horrific ordeal.



Cheeky so and so's want £19.99 for it.....





Think I'll wait for the pirate copy...........

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
03/12/2010 13:29

Friendship Between Women:



A woman didn't come home one night



The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.



The man called his wife's 10 best friend's. None of them knew about it.





Friendship Between Men:



A man didn't come home one night.



The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.



The woman called her husband's 10 best friend's.



Eight of them had confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
03/12/2010 13:39

Because of all the snow and ice the government are worried about kids playing on the roads.



To scare them off they are they've bought out a new machine called the 'Gary Gritter'.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
03/12/2010 13:43

A man has a trained dog which he gives 50p to each day to pick up a copy of the Daily Mail from the newsagent. One day he doesn't have change, so instead he gives the dog 5 quid and sends him on his way. An hour passes, and the dog still hasn't returned, so he goes out looking. Eventually, he finds the dog going at it with a mangy-looking bitch in an alleyway.

"I'm surprised at you," the man says. "You've never acted like this before."

The dog replies, "I never had the money before."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
03/12/2010 13:43

I hear Diana Ross's neck has swollen to double its size.



I think she had a chain reaction    

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
03/12/2010 14:10

I was an accountant from the age of twenty to the age of thirty before I was sacked for no apparent reason.....



What a waste of fourteen years

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
03/12/2010 14:11

A Polish man went into Specsavers for an eye test. After the man was seated, the optician held up a test card with C Z M X L Y Z E on it and asked:



"Can you read this?" "Read it?" said the Polish man, "I'm sleeping with his sister!"

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
03/12/2010 14:27

I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful..........

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
03/12/2010 15:36

A small church had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. They warned her, though, to not eat any of the green persimmons because "They are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while".

She agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning, the priest got up in the pulpit and said:

"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
03/12/2010 15:41

I've been having an argument with my mate. He doesn't believe 'Bones' in Star Trek is a genuine doctor.



Whereas I think, he's the real McCoy.    

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
03/12/2010 17:31

I'm happy to announce I have named my penis 'The Pilot'.



My girlfriend, on the other hand, is not so happy that I refer to her as 'The Cockpit'..........

IbrahimAbi


Joined: 24/10/2010
Posts: 245

Message Posted:
03/12/2010 18:06

Sent a text to my mate this morning.



thought about you today in the supermarket, then I noticed it said 'thick cut'

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
03/12/2010 20:12

The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday, which was very nice.

................ But I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch. ...............

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
03/12/2010 20:17

My wife said that I drink like a fish.





I said, "That's rubbish, you show me one fish that can drink 10 pints of Stella".    

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
03/12/2010 20:31

Little boy crying in a Liverpool Tesco, man says "are you lost?" boy says "yes" man says "whats your mummy like?"

boy says "Big C**ks and Bacardi breezers!" .............

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
04/12/2010 04:46

A Polish man went into Specsavers for an eye test. After the man was seated, the optician held up a test card with C Z M X L Y Z E on it and asked:



"Can you read this?" "Read it?" said the Polish man, "I'm sleeping with his sister!"

Bladerunner


Joined: 10/01/2009
Posts: 204

Message Posted:
04/12/2010 10:37

My wife wanted a animal skin coat for christmas ....I brought her a donkey jacket.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
04/12/2010 14:08

Bernard Matthews



Best before

26/11/10

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
04/12/2010 14:12

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation

ensues:



Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,

grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college

girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them

three times.'



Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'



Man: 'What sins?'



Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'



Man: 'I'm Jewish.'



Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'



Man: 'I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody........'

ttoli


Joined: 24/03/2007
Posts: 1172

Message Posted:
04/12/2010 17:41

Guy meets a fat girl at a disco. He chats her up, they get on well, so at the end of the evening she asks him back to her flat. He’s not too sure because she is a bit on the large side he but he thinks what the hell. Back at her place they go upstairs and get down to the business. He climbs on top. After a while he says would it be ‘OK if we turned off the light’.



She gets all uptight. ‘You’re just like all the other blokes I meet. Every bloke wants to screw me but nobody wants to look at me because I’m so fat’.



‘No its not that’ says the bloke, ‘its just that the bulb is burning my arse'

ttoli


Joined: 24/03/2007
Posts: 1172

Message Posted:
04/12/2010 17:42

The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply., so they brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.



They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.



"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, they said, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side.



"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfu

ttoli


Joined: 24/03/2007
Posts: 1172

Message Posted:
04/12/2010 17:44

tfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"



The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?”





“The Vet replied, with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Wales .."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
04/12/2010 18:01

I went to the doctor yesterday with a suspected case of tonsillitis.



He said "I'm going to prescribe you some antidepressants"



"How will they help my throat?" I asked.



"They won't" he replied, "but I had your bloody wife in about half an hour ago"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
04/12/2010 18:04

Heard two Irish men talking yesterday...

"Do you know what day Christmas is on this year mate?"

"Yeah, heard it was on a Friday"

"Ooerr, hope it's not on friday the 13th.."    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
04/12/2010 18:09

After a prolonged strike in a Liverpool factory, the general manager was addressing a meeting of the work force. "You will be pleased to hear," he announced, "that the management have agreed to all your demands. Starting next week, all wages will be increased by 50 per cent, there will be twelve weeks' paid holiday per annum, everyone gets entitled to free medical cover and you must only work on Thursdays."



"What!" shouted a voice from the back. "Every bloody Thursday?"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
04/12/2010 18:16

A nun walked into a bar in a small village and ordered a case of scotch. The bartender then said "Shouldn't you not be drinking, sister?", to which the nun replied "It's for Father Edward. He's got constipation". "Ok", the bartender replied, and off she went.



On his way home from work, the bartender saw the nun slouched against a curb, pis**ed as a f**t, The bartender responded quite sternly: "I thought that was for Father Edward's constipation".



And then the nun replied "It is". "When he see's me, he's gonna sh** himself!"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
04/12/2010 18:19

I went to the doctors and he told me my weight was too heavy in comparison to my height and I should do something about it.



I've been thinking all day but I haven't got a clue how I'm going to grow by another foot.    

ttoli


Joined: 24/03/2007
Posts: 1172

Message Posted:
04/12/2010 21:43

Let's Just Offend Everyone....but be politically correct!!!







I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said, 'I've not eaten for two days'. I told him, 'I wish I had your will power'





Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation for casual sex........... Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.





I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did '





A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said, 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually'.





Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance" with

ttoli


Joined: 24/03/2007
Posts: 1172

Message Posted:
04/12/2010 21:44

with a face like that!'







I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'



Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works

best!



And the best one ...



I failed my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.

ttoli


Joined: 24/03/2007
Posts: 1172

Message Posted:
04/12/2010 21:57

I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok recently, to get my testicles checked out. While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."

I said, "I haven't got an erection!"

She replied, "No, but I have!"

Goonerboy


Joined: 01/04/2009
Posts: 723

Message Posted:
04/12/2010 22:19

Schizophrenia beats being alone.



Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?



Q. What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?

A. Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.



Q. How can you tell if your wife is dead?

A. The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.





Q. What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?

A. A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.





Q. What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?

A. A pick pocket Snatches Watches.



Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?

A. More head room

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
04/12/2010 22:36

We've just had a Gypsy family move into our street this week and I think they're quite posh.



When I drove past their house, they had a Waitrose shopping trolley in the front garden.    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
04/12/2010 22:37

A cowboy is sitting in a bar when a woman asks if he is a real cowboy.

"Yeah I is, how 'bout y'all self?" he replies.

"Well I'm a lesbian." The woman tells him. "I wake up thinking about women, spend my day thinking about women, and go to sleep thinking about women." She continues. Then she leaves the bar. The cowboy sits deep in thought for a while, when another man asks if he is a cowboy.

"Ah always thought ah was, but it turns out that ah is a lesbian." Says the cowboy

   

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
04/12/2010 22:46

Santa Clause: "I'm sick of putting on this red suit every year and not getting any thing in return!"



Elf; "Now you know how Steven Gerrard feels"    

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
05/12/2010 06:38

Little lad walking home from school, car pulls over & bloke says – “Hey, son, if I give you a bag of sweets will you jump in for a ride home?”



“No way”, says Sonny Jim.



Car creeps along a few more yards, driver asks “OK then, bag of sweets and a tenner?”…. lad picks up the pace & looks straight ahead….



Driver looks increasingly nervous, catches him up again, and raises the offer to a bag of sweets, a PSP and a hundred quid. Little boy stops, thinks, and replies:



"Look Dad, you bought the bleedin Skoda, you drive it. I’ll see you at home”

cyprusharv


Joined: 16/12/2008
Posts: 423

Message Posted:
05/12/2010 08:34

Good one NN but better to change "Skoda" for "Honda scooter" )

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
05/12/2010 08:39

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.



While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she

asked "Is my time up?"



God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to

live."



Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a

face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had

someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she

had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.



After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing

the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.



Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had

another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the

ambulance?"



God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you."

Tiggy


Joined: 25/07/2007
Posts: 1994

Message Posted:
05/12/2010 09:39

What's the difference between a Policeman's truncheon and a magician's wand ?

shrimp


Joined: 01/09/2010
Posts: 939

Message Posted:
05/12/2010 10:27

I give up - what IS the difference between a Policeman's truncheon and a magician's wand????????????/

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2010 12:20

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.



Well, the blonde is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.



The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2010 12:21

Two dyslexics in a kitchen. One says to the other "can you smell gas?"



The other says "I can't even smell my own name!"    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2010 12:27

I went out to dinner with the wife the other night, everything was perfect, the moon was full and soft music played in the restaurant when I stared deeply in to her eyes and said



"Darling, I feel as though i've found my soul mate, the most beautiful woman on earth and the person I am destined to spend the rest of my life with"



Her eyes began to well up as a smile formed



"Which is why i'm leaving you you fat bitch"    

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
05/12/2010 12:55

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.

One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen, you truly are a kind man.”

The man replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Tiggy


Joined: 25/07/2007
Posts: 1994

Message Posted:
05/12/2010 13:17

One is for cunning stunts.....the other is for st......

Tiggy


Joined: 25/07/2007
Posts: 1994

Message Posted:
05/12/2010 16:44

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.



Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokie Kokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
05/12/2010 19:32

Paddy went to the kiosk at a garage to pay for the car wash. The cashier said "that is £5 please Paddy". Paddy replied "bejasus, how do you know my name is Paddy ?" The cashier replied "you are our first customer to come through the facility on a motor bike !

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
05/12/2010 19:57

Went to a fancy dress shop looking for a Dracula costume.



The shop assistant pointed across the road to the Spurs shop.



"No no no" I say " You misheard me, I want to dress like a COUNT!!"

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
05/12/2010 21:09

Whats the difference between a JCB and a Giraffe ?













A JCB has hydraulics !

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2010 22:35

Two alcoholics steal a boat and sail away. After a while, they realise they are completely lost in the middle of the ocean and start to search the small boat to find supplies. One man finds a curious looking lamp and rubs it. A genie appears and grants him one wish.



Without thinking, he wishes for the entire ocean to turn into beer.



WHOOMPH!



The ocean turns to beer and the genie disappears.



The other man turns to this man. "You utter p***k



Now, we're gonna have to pi*s in the boat."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2010 22:38

What do you call 10000 nuns in a warehouse?





Virgin Megastore    

ttoli


Joined: 24/03/2007
Posts: 1172

Message Posted:
05/12/2010 23:09

Just got home and all the windows and doors were open, everything had gone!!



What kind of sick bastard does that to someones advent calender..!!!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/12/2010 23:23

A business man from New York decided to quit his job and buy a 200 acre

spread in Montana. One day while out riding his horse, he came across

another man on horseback. The man told him he was his next door neighbor

and he was having a get-together the coming weekend. He said: I have to

warn you though, there will be alot of drinking at this party. The city

slicker said no problem. There will also be sex going on. No problem he

responded. Well, There will probably be some fighting too. I think I can

handle myself, claimed the new neighbor. As he rode off, he turned and

asked the party host. "By the way, what should I wear at the party" The

man, responded "Oh, it don't matter, It's only going to be me and you!

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
06/12/2010 00:25

Weather man said the temperature is going to drop really low tonight and everyone should check on the elderly and senile....





















are you all OK?

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
06/12/2010 14:47

When travelling in extreme weather conditions, the Government advises you to carry a shovel, a flask, a pair of wellies, some rock salt, a hi-viz jacket and a blanket......







I looked a right idiot on the bus!

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
06/12/2010 17:31

My dog ran off this morning.

I walked all round the park, calling it's name for 20 minutes or more.

The wife said I should look harder.

So I shaved my head and had a tattoo done.

Still can't find the dog though.

Tiggy


Joined: 25/07/2007
Posts: 1994

Message Posted:
06/12/2010 21:31

My best mate ran of with my misses....... I don't half miss him..........

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
06/12/2010 21:34

I really should have made my new Facebook status, "I have blown the head gasket on my 1997 Ford automobile"





rather than, "I've just f***ed a 13 year old escort!"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
06/12/2010 21:37

Remember a Turkey is for Christmas and not for life    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
06/12/2010 21:38

My wife is getting all excited because of Corrie week.



I don't know why, there isn't a telly in the kitchen.    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
06/12/2010 21:39

Getting down to a bit of hows your father the other night when our daughter walks in.



As I ushered her back to bed she asked



"Daddy what was you doing to mummy?



"Well,mummy was feeling a bit sad,and nothing makes her laugh as much as my tickling,its the best in the world".



"Is uncle graham good at tickling too Daddy?"



Im not too sure sweetheart,what makes you say such a thing?



"well when you go to work,he comes round and I think he might even be better at tickiling than you"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
06/12/2010 21:40

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

'Well,' he said, 'we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I replied. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
06/12/2010 21:43

I'll never predict the future.    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
06/12/2010 21:44

I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
06/12/2010 21:45

Just seen that my local pub is taking orders for Christmas.



I rang them up and told them I'll have a pint for Christmas eve.    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
06/12/2010 21:46

A man was riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling for so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there was no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.

He positioned himself to have sex with the camel but it ran away. The man caught up up with the camel and hopped back on . He soon felt the urge again so he turned to the camel. The camel refused again running away. So he caught up with it and began riding.

Finally after riding through the desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three beautiful blondes with huge tits sitting in it. He asked the woman if they needed any help. One of the woman said " If you fix our car we will do anything you want". The luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished the three girls asked him " How can we ever repay you?!"

After thinking for a short while he replied,

"Can you hold my camel?"

   

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
06/12/2010 21:46

Nostalgia: How long's that been around?    

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
06/12/2010 21:53

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care.



One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
06/12/2010 21:55

What's the difference between your wife and a vacuum cleaner ?







A vacuum cleaner will still suck after a couple of years ...





.........and you can unplug the vacuum when it starts to whine

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
06/12/2010 21:58

beware racist joke below ............







I put my hand in the cereal packet this morning and my watch and wedding ring was missing





bloody coon flakes

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
06/12/2010 22:06

Real Notes to British Milkmen

* Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one.

* Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

* Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

* Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.

* Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.

* When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

* Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant. Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

* From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.

* My back door is open. Please put milk in fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.

* Please leave no milk today. Whe

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
06/12/2010 22:07

one for you Yenibob.................



I got a sweater for Christmas.



What I really wanted was a screamer or a moaner.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
06/12/2010 22:08

Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.

* When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
06/12/2010 22:14

My Wife said she's leaving me because I don't know my Left or Right's



After that she stormed left out the door.    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
06/12/2010 22:16

I believe i've just discovered what seems to be a mass grave of over a 1000 snowmen...



Oh wait its just a field of carrots.    

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
06/12/2010 22:20

Rohypnol.....









Now that's a girls drink.

Jeannie


Joined: 04/08/2009
Posts: 3283

Message Posted:
06/12/2010 22:26

Message 80.



Don't know how long it's been around, but it's not what it used to be.



J

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
06/12/2010 22:31

Men are just happier people



Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never get pregnant.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet as the first one

was too mucky.

You dont have think which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

People don't stare at your chest when you are talking to them.

New shoes don't cut and blister your feet.

Phone chats are over in 30 seconds.

A 5 day holiday only needs one case.

You can open your own jars.

Your underwear only cost £8.95 for a pack of 3.

3 pairs of shoes are plenty.

You never have strap problems in public.

The same hair style lasts years or even decades.

You only have to shave your face.

You can do your nails with a penknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do christmas shopping for 25 rela