Jokes for the afternoon

Goonerboy


Joined: 01/04/2009
Posts: 723

Message Posted:
07/12/2010 14:33

Divorced Barbie



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



One day, a father gets out of work early.

Driving on his way home, he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's

birthday.

He pulls into to a mall with a Toys R Us and goes in to look around.



He explains to the first sales person he meets what he needs and she

walks with him over to the Barbie Collection in the store.

‘How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' he asks.

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work

Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for

$19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,

Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced

Barbie for $265.95'.



The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95

and the others only $19.95?'

Goonerboy


Joined: 01/04/2009
Posts: 723

Message Posted:
07/12/2010 14:33

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:

'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House,

Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, One of Ken's

Friends, and a Key Chain made with Ken's Balls! '

R.C.T.Man.



Joined: 27/03/2009
Posts: 746

Message Posted:
07/12/2010 14:34

Are you going to finnish the joke !!!!

Goonerboy


Joined: 01/04/2009
Posts: 723

Message Posted:
07/12/2010 14:37

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe .Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet .. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.



THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts

R.C.T.Man.



Joined: 27/03/2009
Posts: 746

Message Posted:
07/12/2010 14:37

Sorry i was jumping the gun there, brill joke. !1

Yobbat


Joined: 06/12/2010
Posts: 3

Message Posted:
07/12/2010 15:27

Man walks into his Doctors office and says sadly "I think I'm addicted to bestiality." The Doctor replies "My God, how low can you stoop!" Man answers "About as low as a Jack Russel."

Goonerboy


Joined: 01/04/2009
Posts: 723

Message Posted:
07/12/2010 16:09

1) 'A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!" '.

2)'Dyslexic man walks into a bra...'

3) Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

4) My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

5) the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"'

rowlo



Joined: 12/10/2008
Posts: 4796

Message Posted:
07/12/2010 20:57

i always know when my mother in law is coming round , the mice start throwing themselves on the traps , the old ones are still the best .

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
08/12/2010 12:52

SANTA CLAUS:



1. Wears red...



2. Good at breaking into houses...



3. Has loads of electrical goods that nobody can trace...



4. Drives an unlicensed vehicle...



5. Only does one day's work a year...





Lapland my a***!



He is a Scouser!...........

stephen48


Joined: 25/06/2009
Posts: 224

Message Posted:
08/12/2010 14:08

i bought a christmas tree today.

the assistant asked "are you putting it up yourself madam?"

i said "no you kinky b******, i'm putting it up in the living room!!!"

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
08/12/2010 16:46

Rudolf the brown nosed reindeer runs in the same sleigh team as Rudolf the red nosed reindeer. In fact, just behind him. He can run as fast but unfortunately cannot stop as quickly.

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
08/12/2010 19:31

Royal Mail require fit ,energetic and honest person to take on 3 rounds for Christmas rush....







Audley Harrison need not apply...

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
08/12/2010 20:45

So Britains oldest woman to give birth has recently been awarded to a 73 year old. Imagine the strain of having to get up in the middle of the night to change soiled nappies at that age, especially now that she has to look after the baby as well.    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
08/12/2010 20:52

A lady knocked on my door earlier today and asked me if I was interested in donating £3 a month to help people without index fingers.



What a pointless charity.    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
08/12/2010 20:54

Jermain Defoe walks into a bar. He goes up to this girl & says "Grab your coat love you've pulled". She says "You're a little forward!"    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
08/12/2010 20:58

Teacher to pupil: "Good morning, why weren't you in yesterday?"

Pupil to teacher: "Sorry miss, my granddad got burned."

Teacher to pupil: "Oh dear, it wasn't too bad was it?"

Pupil to teacher: "Yeah! They really know what they're doing at those crematoriums!"    

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
08/12/2010 21:23

Did I upload that joke about alzheimer's?

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
08/12/2010 21:30

Do nervous butterflies get people in their tummies?    

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
08/12/2010 21:57

My mate signed up for one of those 'learn to be a plumber in 6 weeks' courses you see in the papers. His final exam was at 9am yesterday. He turned up at 3pm looked at the exam paper and said.....''looks like I am going to need a pen for this job, I will have to pop round to my suppliers for one. Be right back.''



He came top of his class!..........

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
08/12/2010 22:00

I saw a poor old lady fall unconcious in the snow today.





Well I'm guessing she was poor, she only had 86p in her purse.    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
08/12/2010 22:06

I once asked a blonde to name two days...she said "today and tomorrow"...    

Goonerboy


Joined: 01/04/2009
Posts: 723

Message Posted:
08/12/2010 22:07

Q and A's that have actually been asked and given in court





Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.





Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?



Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?



Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?



Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?



Q: Did he kill you?



Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?



Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?



Q: How many times have you committed suicide?



Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

apc2010


Joined: 28/07/2010
Posts: 1689

Message Posted:
08/12/2010 22:56

I was going to retire from being a flasher .........





but decided to stick it out one more year.........