Blonde jokes to cheer us all up !! (Or Not )

jonnytwoscoop



Joined: 27/08/2008
Posts: 142

Message Posted:
04/09/2008 19:26

A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,



"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."





Bloke went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.



Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.



She showed him the instructions on the tin,



"For best results, put on two coats".



Next Ones's a bit Risque so apologises if I offend





Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, ‘That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?’



Kathy takes a sniff and replies, ‘That is nice. What's it called?’



‘Viens a moi,’ replies Nancy.



‘Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?’



At this stage the assistant offers some help. ‘Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French.’



Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks, ‘That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?’











ps , whether it causes offence or not , young children read this forum , kindly remember that ----------- moderator

raraluke


Joined: 28/06/2008
Posts: 2

Message Posted:
08/09/2008 09:02

booooooooooo rubbish

littlenige



Joined: 24/12/2006
Posts: 3594

Message Posted:
08/09/2008 09:40

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyser Test again.!!!'

jonnytwoscoop



Joined: 27/08/2008
Posts: 142

Message Posted:
08/09/2008 13:14

like it littlenige like it

young_blitz


Joined: 13/09/2008
Posts: 42

Message Posted:
06/10/2008 02:23

haha good one

SAFFI


Joined: 01/07/2008
Posts: 342

Message Posted:
06/10/2008 02:28

I dont get it !!!



regards

SAFFi



ps very blonde !!!!!!!!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
06/10/2008 11:43

Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said, "I think we're in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?"



This lead to several hours of concentration until finally, the second blonde said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours."



The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled the ribbons off while they were playing."



"OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars.



Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled their collars off while they were playing."



"There's got to be some way to tell them apart," says the second blonde.



After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, "I know! Why don't you take the black one and I'll take the white one!"

jakki



Joined: 23/10/2007
Posts: 865

Message Posted:
06/10/2008 12:22

Blond goes to the doctors. After an examination the doctor says, "Yes Miss, I can confirm that you're two months pregnant"

Blond- "Doctor, are you sure it's mine?"



From Jakki's partner Arthur

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
06/10/2008 12:56

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.



As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.



Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”



To which she replied, “There certainly is!”



My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

Littlenige



Joined: 24/12/2006
Posts: 3594

Message Posted:
06/10/2008 13:11

A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building.



He suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"



The blond answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads, with wings..."

dusterbruce


Joined: 03/08/2007
Posts: 1125

Message Posted:
06/10/2008 14:11

How does the blonde print whats on the computer screen?











Puts the monitor face-down on the photo-copier

dusterbruce


Joined: 03/08/2007
Posts: 1125

Message Posted:
06/10/2008 14:13

What does the blond do when she wants to make love with the light on?









Opens the car door!

dusterbruce


Joined: 03/08/2007
Posts: 1125

Message Posted:
06/10/2008 14:15

Why did the blonde buy 2 washing machines?









To balance the rubbing board on!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
06/10/2008 15:18

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."



Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry . . . we can fly just fine on two engines."



An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry... we still have one engine left."



A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
06/10/2008 15:19

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.



While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.



He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.



He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.



She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said "For best results, put on two coats."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
06/10/2008 15:25

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.



A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."



The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of

them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and

again and again, until he hops out of sight.



The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

Wilts Girl


Joined: 16/07/2008
Posts: 159

Message Posted:
06/10/2008 16:05

Two blondes are walking through the woods when they happen upon some tracks.



“Those are bear tracks" says the first blonde



“No there not those are lions tracks” says the second blonde



“I am telling you they are bear tracks!” says the first blonde



“Lions tracks” says the second



They were still arguing when the train hit them………

Littlenige



Joined: 24/12/2006
Posts: 3594

Message Posted:
06/10/2008 16:32

10/03/2007

Story About a Blonde Boy







One day, a blonde boy walks into a electronics store. He points his finger at a TV and says to the owner...



BB: "I'd like to buy this TV, please."

Owner: "No, sorry. I won't sell it to blondes."



The blonde boy is shocked but there is nothing he can do. He returns home without saying a thing. That night, he dyes his hair brown and decides to try again. The next day, he walks into the same store, points his finger at the same TV, and says to the owner...



BB: "I'd like to buy this TV, please."

Owner: "No, sorry. I don't sell it to blondes."



Now the blonde boy gets angrier, but he is determined to make the owner willing to sell the TV to him. So the next day, he returns with a wig on his head and make-up all over his face. He looks just like a woman! Again, he points at the TV and says to the owner...



BB: "I'd like to buy this TV, please."

Owner: "No, sorry. I won't sell it to blondes. I already told you!! Don't come back again."



The blonde boy can't take it any more. He is so angry and is screaming on top of his lungs...



BB: "How can you still tell it's me, and why won't you sell me the TV?"

Owner: "Uh.. because THAT is a microwave."

scampy



Joined: 15/01/2008
Posts: 982

Message Posted:
06/10/2008 19:43

I am blonde but thankfully not that stupid

Brilliant jokes though

MUSIN M


Joined: 26/06/2008
Posts: 1352

Message Posted:
06/10/2008 21:52

scampy

got that from your picture,that your blonde,just joking

young_blitz


Joined: 13/09/2008
Posts: 42

Message Posted:
07/11/2008 23:48

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.



They were all talking one day and the brunette says “Oh my gosh y’all I went through my daughter’s purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed”



They comfort her, and the redhead says “Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter’s purse. I cannot believe she has one”. So they all comfort her.



Then the blonde says “That’s nothing. I found a condom in my daughter’s purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis”

no1doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
07/11/2008 23:54

young blitz, did you find a home for your three German Sheppards? Where did you move to?

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
08/11/2008 00:11

hi nig its lilli these jokes make me out to be not so blond i think, sorry to all the rest pivate joke between nige and i 9the reality is i do stupid things and as a redhead he calls me the blond waitress) i have improvd nige honest

Navek



Joined: 01/06/2008
Posts: 2656

Message Posted:
08/11/2008 00:28

A blonde is driving along the road,



doing 50 in a 30 zone,



And is stopped by a blonde policewoman,



when asked for her license,



she hands the blonde policewoman



her make up mirror by mistake,



The blonde policewoman looks at the mirror,



hands it back to the blonde driver and says.....



"Sorry, I didn't realize you were a cop too"



And lets her off ;-)

young_blitz


Joined: 13/09/2008
Posts: 42

Message Posted:
08/11/2008 00:31

yes we found them all homes, we havnt moved yet but i will be moving soon to go back to england to stay with mybrther and hopfully join the army

Ralph96



Joined: 01/07/2008
Posts: 531

Message Posted:
08/11/2008 04:09

What's the difference between a red head and a wheelie bin?

A wheelie bin get's taken out once a week.