Neg Nick Favourite joke of 2010

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
12/12/2010 15:51

man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.



The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. “Not a chance,” says the husband, “it’s 3 o’clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.



“Who was that?” asked his wife.



“Just some guy asking for a push,” he answers.



“Did you help him?” she asks.



“No, I did not, it is 3 o’clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!”



“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”



The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pelting rain.





Cont/d........

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
12/12/2010 15:51

He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”



“Yes” comes back the answer. “Do you still need a push?”, calls out the husband.



“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.



“Where are you?” asks the husband.



“Over here on the swings!”

newlad



Joined: 02/03/2008
Posts: 7819

Message Posted:
12/12/2010 15:56

Last night there was a knock on my front door,i went to see who was there,opened the door,and realised that it was a decorator.I knew it was a decorator because he had two coats on,

Paul.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
12/12/2010 16:02

and this came a close second:



A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.



They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dutch, How ya doin'?"



His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh, no," says Dutch. "He's on my bowling team."



When they are seated, a waitress asks Dutch if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.



His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"



"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."



A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dutch, and says "Hi Dutch, baby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"



Dutch's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.





Cont/d.......

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
12/12/2010 16:05

dutch follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.



The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dutch."

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
12/12/2010 16:08

and in 3rd place....................





Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a cemetery...........



Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"



Paddy says "What's his name?"



Mick replies "Miles, from London.”

EsentepeGal


Joined: 12/09/2010
Posts: 144

Message Posted:
12/12/2010 18:37

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".

"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
12/12/2010 18:40

you crack me up x when are you back xxxxxxxx

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
13/12/2010 07:54

mess 8 - Meant to be 18th...........





it is still warm in the evenings, isn't it ??

JohhnyLee


Joined: 25/04/2009
Posts: 2495

Message Posted:
13/12/2010 08:16

NN it's very pleasant in the evenings, Log burner on last night, and a jumper. Plenty of rain and hail, also windy and thunder and lightning.



The sea,s abit choppy as well, But besides that it's lovley.



Just bring your shorts and string vest, you'll be fine. Oh and your Jesus sandals and white socks, (the ones you get 7 pairs for a quid)

CJtill


Joined: 02/05/2008
Posts: 836

Message Posted:
13/12/2010 10:13

The best joke of 2010 (which I originally saw on CYP44) was

Say what you like about paedophiles, at least they drive slowly when passing schools.

Michael

TopTen


Joined: 15/04/2009
Posts: 1246

Message Posted:
13/12/2010 11:24

. . . STOP PRESS . . .STOP PRESS . . .STOP PRESS . . .STOP PRESS . . .STOP PRESS . . .





David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.





From next week the forms will only be printed in English.

YFred


Joined: 06/05/2009
Posts: 1471

Message Posted:
13/12/2010 11:43

I was going to say it's racist but half the English population can't speak or read English either.