A man walks into a pub with a giraffe

jonnytwoscoop



Joined: 27/08/2008
Posts: 142

Message Posted:
08/09/2008 16:48

A man walks into a pub with a giraffe on a lead. "I'll have a pint of Guinness" says the man "and ten pints for the giraffe". The man then starts to down his pint in one go. The giraffe, seeing this, starts banging down the ten pints like there was no tomorrow. The race is on! The man gets half way down and the Giraffe's only on number four. Then, with an amazing burst of speed, the giraffe just manages to scrape ahead. But on pint number ten the giraffe gets half-way, then falls off the bar stool, and passes out on the floor. The man promptly finishes his pint and starts to leave. "Hey," says the barman "you can't leave that lyin' there!" Says the man: "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

littlenige



Joined: 24/12/2006
Posts: 3594

Message Posted:
08/09/2008 17:01

titer titer

Coachie



Joined: 29/07/2008
Posts: 2135

Message Posted:
08/09/2008 17:15

man walks into bar with an octopus draped around his neck.Unwinds the octopus and places it on a stool next tohim and then orders his drink."most unusal pet "says the barman."yeah,not only unusual but highly talented" replies the bloke."what sort of talent are you on about"asks the barman."he can play any sort of musical instrument you want to give to him" The barman then suggests that he is being taken for a fool."honestly. Go get somehing for him to play" the barman goes away and comes back with atrumpet. him being in the local brass band,passes itto the octopus very carefully,to which it starts to playit perfectly."If any one else wants to try him out it will cost you abeer for me and acrab for the octopus" One bloke says he will have abet,and goes and gets his daughters violin"Try him with this" winking at the onlookers.to which the octopus starts playing one of Mozarts concertos.Well everybody in the bar is dumbfounded,except this wiley old scotsman in the corner,"I will double your bet" he says "if he can play these" and the scotsman passes the octopus aset of bagpipes.The octopus immediately pounces on the pipes and procedes to maul it."there you are" says the scotsmsn"looks like you have lost your bet"."hang on for a couple of minutes , and when he finds out he cant have sex with it then he will play it"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
08/09/2008 17:34

A piece of string walks into a bar. He hops up onto a stool and yells

to the bartender, "Hey! Gimme a drink!" The bartender picks up the

string and throws it into the street. The string thinks, "I'll show

'im. I'll go back in disguise, he won't know it's me, and at the last

minute I'll humiliate him. So the string contorts its body into a

whole different shape, and frizzes its hair ala a 'fro. It goes back

in, hops onto the stool and asks for a drink. The bartender says,

"You're that piece of string I threw out 5 minutes ago." The string

answers, "No. I'm a frayed knot."

markvpiazza


Joined: 14/08/2008
Posts: 530

Message Posted:
08/09/2008 17:37

A white horse goes into a pub and orders a scotch

The barman, amazed at this says, "we've got a whiskey named after you, do you want one of those?"



The horse says, "I never knew there was a whisky called Kevin"

Blackie


Joined: 20/12/2007
Posts: 129

Message Posted:
08/09/2008 17:42

Thre pieces of tarmac walk into a bar and order a pint each. They take a seat in the corner and immediately start argueing. Tarmac No 1 says Im the hardest picee of road around no your noy says No 2 Im by far the hardest. Cobblers says No 3 Im easily the hardest. With that a piece of green tarmac walks into the bar, the other three fall silent the green tarmac orders a pint drinks it and walks out. The barman says I thought you were all hard you dint have anything to say when he came in. Tarmac No 1 says are you joking he's a cycle path.

denflolad


Joined: 18/06/2009
Posts: 67

Message Posted:
10/08/2009 17:08

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just ***** off and leave me alone.



2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.



3. No one is listening until you fart.



4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.



5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.



6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.



7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.



8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.



9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.



10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.



11. If you tell the truth, yo

denflolad


Joined: 18/06/2009
Posts: 67

Message Posted:
10/08/2009 17:13

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.



12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.



13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.



14. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.



15. A closed mouth gathers no foot..



16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.



17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.



18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.



19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our bum ... then things just get worse.



20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

proger1



Joined: 18/04/2009
Posts: 2919

Message Posted:
10/08/2009 20:31

Thanks Denflo, some of the best one liners I have never heard before. Would love to follow them but feeling a lot inadequate right about now

sporty


Joined: 06/12/2007
Posts: 685

Message Posted:
10/08/2009 21:43

a coloured guy walks into a pub with a parrot on his head,the barman says -where did you get him from? the parrot replies- africa,theres thousands of them over there!!

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
11/08/2009 09:22

Why do Giraffe's have such long necks....?





Cos their feet stink.....

denflolad


Joined: 18/06/2009
Posts: 67

Message Posted:
11/08/2009 10:52

1. Do you need a silencer if you are going to kill a mime?



2. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?



3. How does the guy who drives the snow plough get to work in the morning?



4. If 7-11 is open 24-hrs a day, 365 days a year why are there locks on the door?



5. If a cow laughed really hard, would milk come out her nose?



6. If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?



7. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?



8. Why are cigarettes sold in petrol stations when smoking is prohibited there?



9. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?



10. If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?



11. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?



12. If you have your finger touching the mirror that says "objects in mirror are closer than they appear," how is that possible?

denflolad


Joined: 18/06/2009
Posts: 67

Message Posted:
11/08/2009 10:53

13. If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?



14. Why does your nose "run" and your feet "smell"



15. Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?



16. Why is it called a "building" when it’s already built?



17. Why do they call them apartments when they are all stuck together?



18. Why is there an expiry date on sour cream?



19. How can someone draw a blank?



20. What is another word for "thesaurus"?



21. If 75% of all accidents occur within 5 km's of home, why not move 10km's away?



22. When they ship Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

gollylady


Joined: 17/06/2009
Posts: 36

Message Posted:
11/08/2009 10:55

a man walks in to a pub and says to the barman, if i show you something remarkable can i have a free drink.

the barman says ok. the man pulls a rat from his pocket, places it on the bar and thenfrom his pocket a mini grand piano. the rat then proceeds to play wonderful music, to which the barkeep says thats well worth a drink.the man then says ,if i show you something even more remarkable, can i drink for free all night. barkeep says ok [thinking he cant top that] the man then takes a frog from his pocket, places it on the bar and begins to sing gracefully to the rats piano music . a chap in the bar has been listening to all this ,and says to the man

i will give you 200 quid for the frog. the man agrees, the chap gives him the money, snatches the frog and leaves the bar in a hurry. the barman says you must be stupid you could have easily got a grand for that frog.

the man then says . not really, you see the rats also a ventriloquist.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
11/08/2009 11:50

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"



The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.



The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"



Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.



The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"



The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"



Confused, the bartender says no.



"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
11/08/2009 11:58

An Irishman walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"



The Irishman replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."



The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"



The Irishman says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."



A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
11/08/2009 11:58

The bartender says, "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"



A few months later the Irishman is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!"



The bartender yells, "Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The guy storms out of the bar.



The next day, the Irishman runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
11/08/2009 11:59

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog. He stands in the center of the bar, takes the dog by the chain, and starts swinging him above his head.



Everyone stops and stares. Upset about the way the animal is being treated, a patron runs up to the blind man and demands, "What the hell are you doing?"



The blind man turns toward the patron and says, "Oh, nothing, just looking around."