Joke: Zen and the art of

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
22/01/2011 16:43

ZEN TEACHINGS



1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.



cont...

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
22/01/2011 16:44

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse. Then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

DutchCrusader



Joined: 19/05/2008
Posts: 11281

Message Posted:
22/01/2011 19:38

Well done, Groucho. Google gives "About 7,010,000 results (in 0.26 seconds)" about your joke. I didn't check all of them, but come on, you can do better.

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
22/01/2011 19:53

Oh dear Hans... I feel another of your Crusades coming on... you know, the sort of megalomania that makes you think you ought to be the arbiter of all that we should be allowed to post.

You really need to set up your own board so that you can be in control... but I'd be (not very) interested to bet it would not be all that popular.

Why did you need make this post go BTTT?

Talk about naïve bait-takers

DutchCrusader



Joined: 19/05/2008
Posts: 11281

Message Posted:
22/01/2011 20:50

Well done, Groucho. Google gives "About 7,010,000 results (in 0.26 seconds)" about your joke. I didn't check all of them, but come on, you can do better.

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
22/01/2011 20:56

Must be something wrong Hans.... the count hasn't gone up!

Blackbird



Joined: 11/08/2009
Posts: 1432

Message Posted:
22/01/2011 22:05

...Well Groucho they made me smile...

Further to no 20:

Last night I got my sleeping tablets mixed up with viagra....And had forty w@nks

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
23/01/2011 01:06

Lucky it was not St Swithin's night. 40 X 40 = 1,600 !!!!

Blackbird



Joined: 11/08/2009
Posts: 1432

Message Posted:
23/01/2011 01:26

Sorry deputydog I'm a bit lost with this because:

It is said that St Swithin's Day, on July 15th, determines what the weather will be like for the next 40 days. So if it's rainy, you can expect rain to fall for the whole of that period! There is a famous rhyme associated with the legend, which has been popular since Elizabethan times:

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
23/01/2011 16:49

Blackbird, indeed, the believe in earlier times was if it rains that day it will last 40 days and forty nights. Of course in modern times it is just fun to remember such an unsubstantiated myth and folk allude to it to tease. It just occurred to me that it could get difficult if your pleasurable "winking" was sustained for 40 days and 40 nights That said, what you are holding in your hands in your picture profile looks pretty impresssive.

Blackbird



Joined: 11/08/2009
Posts: 1432

Message Posted:
23/01/2011 18:27

Thanks for asking deputydawg

It's an awesome 5 string Bass made by Status.

Status are renowned for using graphite for the neck, instead if wood. However, they did make just a few like mine, that are all graphite, it really is a fantastic guitar!

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
23/01/2011 18:35

mess 11 -Jaydee still going ??

Blackbird



Joined: 11/08/2009
Posts: 1432

Message Posted:
24/01/2011 22:59

I think so negativenick - but his build is not for me! Mark King used his stuff for a while, and then took his business to Status....

Rod Green makes really fine guitars!