joke: dear technical support

ilovecyprus


Joined: 08/05/2007
Posts: 2880

Message Posted:
23/09/2008 12:43

Dear Tech Support,



Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.



In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as

* Romance 9.5 and

* Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as



* PS 3.0 ,

* Wii 1 .0 and

* Golf Clubs 4.1.



Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.



* Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.



What can I do?



Signed,



Desperate







DEAR DESPERATE,



First, keep in mind,

* Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while

* Husband 1.0 is an operating system.



Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

* If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.



However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

* Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.



Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)



In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 -program .These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1..0.



In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend

* Cooking 3.0 and

* Hot Lingerie 7.7.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/09/2008 12:44

Mark, You're on form today

ilovecyprus


Joined: 08/05/2007
Posts: 2880

Message Posted:
23/09/2008 12:46

Blimey Bill, you must be a speed reader. I only just posted this

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/09/2008 12:47

Mark, you know what they say - the eyes are quicker than the hand. Or something like that!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/09/2008 12:49

CONVERSATIONS WITH TECHNICAL SUPPORT



• Tech Support: "What version of the Mac OS are you using?"

Customer: "Word 6.0."



• Tech Support: "What browser are you using, Netscape or Microsoft?"

Customer: "Netscape."

Tech Support: "Could you read to me what it says at the top of the window?"

Customer: "'Global Travel Conference - Microsoft Internet Explorer'."



• Tech Support: "Are you installing on a Mac?"

Customer: "No, I'm using a 3.5" thingee on a disk."



• Tech Support: "This has Windows 98 on it -- did it have Windows 98 or 95 on it when it was sent out for repair?"

Customer: "I think it had Office 97."



• Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"

Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"



• Customer: "I keep getting an error message whenever I try using the MSDOS mode in Windows 95."

Tech Support: "Can you describe what happens?"

Customer: "Well, I keep getting a black screen with an error message saying, 'C:\WINDOWS>'."



• Tech Support: "which drive is your CD ROM?"

Customer: "the top one."



• Customer: "Do I hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?"



• Tech Support: "Your password will be...a small 'a' as in apple, a capital 'V' as in Victor, the number '7' "

Customer: "Is that a capital '7'?"



• Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters..."

Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

ilovecyprus


Joined: 08/05/2007
Posts: 2880

Message Posted:
23/09/2008 12:50

like it Bill

AndyP



Joined: 18/04/2008
Posts: 517

Message Posted:
23/09/2008 18:17

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.



2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.



3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.



4. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.



5. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.



6. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.



7. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.



8. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.



9. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up"



Couldn't help but share these!!!

For all your IT support needs go to http://www.systemlogix.co.uk

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/09/2008 18:18

Andy - way to go!!

AndyP



Joined: 18/04/2008
Posts: 517

Message Posted:
23/09/2008 18:25

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."



Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"



Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"



_________________________________________________________________



Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"



Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/09/2008 18:31

Compaq is considering changing the command 'Press any key' to 'Press Enter key' because of the flood of calls asking where is the 'Any' key.



AST technical support had a called complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packed in !



Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. The customer had stuck labels on the diskettes. then rolled them into his typewriter to type on the labels.



Another customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later. a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.



A Dell technician advised a customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, put the receiver next to the phone, crossed his room and closed the door to his room.



Another Del customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting. the tech discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the 'Send' key.



Yet another Dell customer called to complain tat his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaked the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.



A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was engraged because his computer had told him he was 'bad and invalid'. The tech explained that the computer's 'bad' command and 'invalid' resoponses shouldn't be taken personally.



An exasperated caller to Dell computer Tech support couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on" this foot pedal and nothing happened". The 'foot pedal' turned out to be the computer's mouse.



A confused caller to IBM told the technician that the computer had said it 'couldn't find printer'. The user had tried turning the computer screen to face the printer, but that his computer 'still' couldn't 'see' the printer.



Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. she said, she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes, waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked 'what power switch ? '



True story from a Novel Netware SysOp:

caller: "Hello, Is this tech support ? "

Tech: "Yes, It is. How may I help you ?"

caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am withing my

warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed ?"

Tech: "Did you say a Cup holder ? "

caller: "Yes ! it is attached to the front of my computer"

Tech: "Please excuse me If I seem a bit stumped, It's because

I am. Did you received this as part of a promotional,

at a trade show ?"

caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a

promotional, It just has 4X on it."

At this point the tech rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it He was laughing too high. The caller had been Using the load drawer of CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.