Neg Nick "joke of the Week"

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
21/03/2011 05:09

The Pope is on tour in Liverpool, handing out miracles.



Billy asks,"Can you help with my hearing?"



The pope says "yes" and puts his hands over billy's ears. He then prays and removes his hands, and says, "How is your hearing now"



Billy says "I don't know, it's not until next Wednesday."

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
21/03/2011 05:11

here's one - cover your eyes Groucho:



Following on from the allegations that "Midsommer Murders" does not contain any cultural minorities, the BBC have anounced that to give greater coverage of Asians, Africans, Rumanians, Rastafarians and East Europeans etc, the programme "Crimewatch" will now be broadcast TWICE a week.

TRNCVaughan


Joined: 27/04/2008
Posts: 4578

Message Posted:
21/03/2011 09:43

An old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.



He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.



He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing??'



The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots '



'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean??'



She says,

'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
21/03/2011 10:50

) ) )

deputydawg


Joined: 30/03/2010
Posts: 1727

Message Posted:
21/03/2011 12:01

The Pope and Paisley jointly address a masive rally at Croke Park. After his sermon the Pope makes the sign of the cross and says to Paisley from the side of his mouth "look at that, one wave of my hand, and thousands are down on their knees". Paisley shouts out, as he is incapable of quiet remark, "So what, one nod of my head and millions will be rioting" He promptly headbutts the Pope to the ground !

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
21/03/2011 12:25

mess 3 - good one !

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
21/03/2011 12:36

Like msg 2



The producer of TV drama Midsomer Murders has been suspended after claiming part of the show's appeal was an absence of any ethnic minorities........













It's supposed to be a "who done it?", if they included a black guy, it would make it too easy........

YFred


Joined: 06/05/2009
Posts: 1471

Message Posted:
21/03/2011 15:15

TrncV, that's very funny.

stevo-london


Joined: 23/10/2010
Posts: 253

Message Posted:
21/03/2011 15:32

msj 3 that is a good one

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
21/03/2011 15:40

On the airplane on his way back to Rome, the Pope was doing a crossword puzzle.

After a while, he turned the the bishop sitting next to him and said, "What's a four -letter word ending in "unt" which means "woman"? The bishop said, "Did you try "aunt"?

The Pope said, "hmmm. Do you have a rubber?

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
21/03/2011 15:50

I see the pope is to visit England next year. Apparently he booked his tickets online and paid using a well know payment processor.

It's a Paypal visit..

JohhnyLee


Joined: 25/04/2009
Posts: 2495

Message Posted:
21/03/2011 15:54

I was cooking a curry the other night and I got some herbs in my eyes.



It has left me parsley sighted.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
21/03/2011 16:05

mess 10 & 11................



At last a mod with a sense of humour..........

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
21/03/2011 16:20

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.



One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.



His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen, you truly are a kind man.”



The man replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
21/03/2011 16:36

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
23/03/2011 03:02

I was walking into my local pub, when I suddenly realised it was darts night.



So I did a 180, and left.

tattlad


Joined: 13/12/2008
Posts: 479

Message Posted:
23/03/2011 14:34

Can you imagine what was said by Gaddafi's security men when the bombing started...................

Gaddafi duck...........

R.C.T.Man.



Joined: 27/03/2009
Posts: 746

Message Posted:
23/03/2011 15:31

Hi Nick , Did you ever bring me that bottle of Thai Whisky back ? !!!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/03/2011 15:47

I was walking down the street when I noticed a pen rolling along the floor behind me. Everywhere I went, it followed closely. It did this for about 90 minutes.



Turned out to be a marker pen.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/03/2011 15:49

I came out a pub in Liverpool and a guy shouted to me "Do you want to share a taxi mate?"



"No problem," I replied.



"Great," he said. "You have the wheels and I'll take the engine."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/03/2011 15:50

Stunning lady walks up to a bar.

She signals the barman to bring his face close to hers.

Running her fingers through his hair she says softly

"are you the manager?" "No", he says.

"Can you give him a message?" she asks, stroking his face & allowing 2 fingers to slip into his mouth so he can suck them gently & sliding them seductively across his teeth & round his tongue.



"Tell him there's no toilet paper."!!