Neg Nick "joke of the Week"

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
26/04/2011 16:51

Barak Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.



They both decide to test it by asking a question each.



Barak goes first.



“What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”



The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries”



Cameron thinks “It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that” so he asks:



“What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?”



The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.

But he just stares at it.



“Come on David” says Barak, “What does it say”



David replies,









“Buggered if I know! It's all in Arabic!”

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
26/04/2011 16:54

whats a specialized and a logan got in common ?





both been ridden by an ex newcastle striker.

jimmyG


Joined: 14/08/2008
Posts: 900

Message Posted:
26/04/2011 17:41

Careful Nick - you don't want to fall foul of a super injunction do you?

Tootie


Joined: 28/08/2008
Posts: 2037

Message Posted:
26/04/2011 17:48

The Arrogance of Authority ...



A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!

No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

Cont....

Tootie


Joined: 28/08/2008
Posts: 2037

Message Posted:
26/04/2011 17:49

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....



















"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"

Hoylemiller



Joined: 03/09/2010
Posts: 240

Message Posted:
26/04/2011 20:25

Whats the difference between Iron Man, and Iron Woman?



Iron Man is a super hero,



Iron Woman is just a simple instruction...

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
27/04/2011 08:38

mess 6 - took a few seconds, but v good.......

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
27/04/2011 09:27

Message6. ) ) )

AngelaT


Joined: 25/04/2011
Posts: 114

Message Posted:
27/04/2011 11:34

Shame on you Hoylemiller! Ha, ha!

Khanage77


Joined: 18/04/2011
Posts: 69

Message Posted:
27/04/2011 11:57

David Hasselhoff has a new welsh girlfriend. I guess he'll take her to Cardigan during the day for a ‘bay watch’. And at Knightrider.

eyebob


Joined: 22/06/2010
Posts: 143

Message Posted:
27/04/2011 13:34

NOW ON SALE AT IKEA!!Lesbian beds,no screwing involved,its all tongue & groove!!

Khanage77


Joined: 18/04/2011
Posts: 69

Message Posted:
27/04/2011 13:37

Katie Price has survived a car crash with her boyfriend Leandro. Thanks God she installed those double airbags

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
27/04/2011 21:47

I went to the doctors today and he said to me, "Have you been taking the medicine I gave you for your memory loss?"



I replied, "Err no, I forgot."



He said, "If you don't take your medicine you won't fix the problem."



I said, "What problem."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
27/04/2011 21:56

A tourist is walking along a path in Ireland, and he comes to a river with no way of crossing it. He sees an Irishman on the opposite bank and yells across to him, "How do I get to the other side?"



The Irishman looks up the river, then looks down the river.



Then, after a minute, replies, "You are on the other side!"    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
27/04/2011 21:57

I can't stand station announcers.



They're attention seekers.    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
27/04/2011 21:59

I asked my thick mate what DNA stood for,



"National Dyslexics Association", he replied.    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
27/04/2011 21:59

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't return?



A stick.    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
27/04/2011 22:08

My doctor said that I'm mentally unstable...



I said "I'm not unstable!... it's that leprechaun, he keeps tripping me up."    

EsentepeGal


Joined: 12/09/2010
Posts: 144

Message Posted:
27/04/2011 22:22

BBC NEWS: Cheryl Cole UK tour cancelled.



Has the man who presses play broken his finger?

EsentepeGal


Joined: 12/09/2010
Posts: 144

Message Posted:
27/04/2011 22:24

I was at my mate's stag night yesterday, when him and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid.

"Drink it" they said giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the bastards were trying to pull.



Efes.

EsentepeGal


Joined: 12/09/2010
Posts: 144

Message Posted:
28/04/2011 01:02

What's large, black and steals your credit cards?



Sony Playstation 3

EsentepeGal


Joined: 12/09/2010
Posts: 144

Message Posted:
28/04/2011 02:01

How does Stephen Hawking ejaculate?



CTRL + V

Khanage77


Joined: 18/04/2011
Posts: 69

Message Posted:
28/04/2011 07:46

Stephen Hawking came back from his first date in ten years. His glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparently she stood him up.

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
28/04/2011 18:31

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Wee Jock raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Wee Jock before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Jock said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.'



The teacher sat down and cried.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
29/04/2011 00:01

I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes.



We haven't done a gig yet.    

YFred


Joined: 06/05/2009
Posts: 1471

Message Posted:
29/04/2011 00:16

No1D, you got the name wrong. If you called yourself Gigabytes, then you may be able to get a few gigs and even afford a few bytes, but if you can't afford that, then try a few bits and pieces. you'll get them half price.

TUTOR4U


Joined: 05/06/2007
Posts: 80

Message Posted:
29/04/2011 17:32

Tommy Cooper lives On !!



A woman gets on a bus with her baby.







The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”







The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.







She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”









The man says: “You go up there and tell him off.









Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”