Neg Nick "joke of the Week"

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
02/05/2011 11:31

I've just been to the gym; see they've got a new machine in.



Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick! It's great tho, it does everything - Kit Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot..............

Lilli



Joined: 21/07/2008
Posts: 13081

Message Posted:
02/05/2011 11:40

Nick xxxxx very good

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
02/05/2011 11:41

They sent my Census form back to me regarding my answer to the question,



"Do you have any dependants?"



I put, "Asylum seekers, gypos, smack heads, unemployable bastards,the cast of The Jeremy Kyle show, Northern Rock, RBS and half of bleedin' Eastern Europe "



....apparently, this wasn't an acceptable answer......

Hoylemiller



Joined: 03/09/2010
Posts: 240

Message Posted:
02/05/2011 11:58

While I was driving down the M1 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been)



I passed under a bridge only to see a traffic-cop on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.



The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk, asked: "Runway too short?"



To which I replied, "I'm late for work." To which he asked, "What do you

Do?" "I'm a rectum-stretcher, I responded.



The traffic cop was surprised and confused. "A what?



A Rectum-stretcher? “And just what does a rectum-stretcher do?" he asked.



"Well, I start by inserting one finger into a rectum, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and Then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."



Then the cop asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"



I politely replied, "You give him a radar g

Hoylemiller



Joined: 03/09/2010
Posts: 240

Message Posted:
02/05/2011 11:58

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."



Speeding ticket: 200 Pounds



Court costs : 500 Pounds



Look on traffic cop's face : PRICELESS.. !!

ttoli


Joined: 24/03/2007
Posts: 1172

Message Posted:
11/05/2011 22:58

Not to be outdone by the U.S. Seals, an elite Irish regiment has attacked Battersea Dogs Home and killed 27 Afghans

rick1


Joined: 20/04/2010
Posts: 44

Message Posted:
11/05/2011 23:16

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour,

but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

Blackbird



Joined: 11/08/2009
Posts: 1432

Message Posted:
11/05/2011 23:21

Message 1, nick I've just been told that I need to go to a gym. I wasn't too keen until I read your post!!!

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
11/05/2011 23:34

The Chinese National Lottery.....It could be Wu    

Blackpoolfan


Joined: 03/12/2008
Posts: 1568

Message Posted:
11/05/2011 23:34

Are you insured for sex???????



Please check the list of companies below:



Sex with your wife- Legal and General



Phone Sex- Direct Line



Sex with a fat bird- More Than



Sex with a stranger- go Compare



Sex with a transvestite- confused .com

Blackpoolfan


Joined: 03/12/2008
Posts: 1568

Message Posted:
11/05/2011 23:36

Just sacked my cleaner!!!! Took her 5 hours to do the hoovering



Turns out she is a SLO VAK!!!!

Blackpoolfan


Joined: 03/12/2008
Posts: 1568

Message Posted:
11/05/2011 23:38

Here the one about the fat transvestite????



He just wanted to eat,drink, and be Mary..

ttoli


Joined: 24/03/2007
Posts: 1172

Message Posted:
11/05/2011 23:38

BBC News: Bad drivers to face £100 fines



Seems a bit sexist.

Blackpoolfan


Joined: 03/12/2008
Posts: 1568

Message Posted:
11/05/2011 23:42

Message 13,



Is that supposed to be funny?????

ttoli


Joined: 24/03/2007
Posts: 1172

Message Posted:
11/05/2011 23:42

Adele called her first albums 19 & 21 because they are numbers that have special importance to her life



Her follow up 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971

6939937510 is due out in the summer.



I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!'



I thought, "That's just spam."

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
11/05/2011 23:50

Quasimodo comes home from work and see's Esmeralda has got the wok out.



So he says "Oh, are we having chinese tonight?"



To which she replies "No, I've just been ironing your shirts"    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
11/05/2011 23:52

my neighbour came and knocked on my door at 2.30 am



2.30 am!! can you believe that, luckily for him i was still up having a party!    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
11/05/2011 23:54

My son said that he feels left out at work.



I told him that it was his fault for being a doorman.    

Blackpoolfan


Joined: 03/12/2008
Posts: 1568

Message Posted:
11/05/2011 23:58

No.1



Start the car

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
12/05/2011 01:47

I remarked to a friend that Kate McCann is looking really tanned lately. Someone suggested it may be due to her lying in the Sun all week.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
12/05/2011 05:40

I met a dyslexic yorkshireman today, he was wearing a cat flap.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
12/05/2011 05:41

Bad day for golf yesterday...





it was raining...









anyway, Seve is 6 under

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
12/05/2011 05:44

Two fleas are getting ready to go out to see a movie. One flea asks the other, " Should we walk or take the dog?"

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
12/05/2011 05:45

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.