Neg Nick "joke of the Week"

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
05/05/2011 11:34

A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar

goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You sound

English", "I'm from across the Severn " replies the man nervously.



"What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist."



"What on earth is one of those?",



"I mount animals."



"Its all right boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
05/05/2011 13:23

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador."

"stuff that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

wattys


Joined: 07/10/2008
Posts: 278

Message Posted:
05/05/2011 13:32

Bob meets his mate while out for a walk with his jack russel, his mate says fancy a dring he say you can't take dogs in that pub, his mate says tell him its a guide dog.



So they go into the pub and the barman says no doge only guide dogs.



Bob says this is a guide dog,



Barman says guide dogs are labradors or alsations





















Bob says what sort have they give me ?

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
05/05/2011 13:43

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

grahamsteptoe


Joined: 22/10/2010
Posts: 110

Message Posted:
05/05/2011 14:25

Apparently the Irish SAS joined in the US assault in Pakistan last weekend. They stormed Debenhams after hearing that Summer bed linen was on the third floor.

wattys


Joined: 07/10/2008
Posts: 278

Message Posted:
05/05/2011 14:32

Apparently it was Osama Bin Laden's own fault he was killed by American navy seals, as he was disguised as a british soldier

tattlad


Joined: 13/12/2008
Posts: 479

Message Posted:
05/05/2011 15:16

Letter to agont aunt...

Dear Deirdre, I am currently getting all sorts of stick because my new girlfriend is 12 years younger than me, is that a problem ? Am I doing something wrong ?



Reply from Deirdre,.... of course your not doing anything wrong age is just a number, as long as your both happy is all that matters.........



Reply from sender........Thanks you for your help and support dierdre......... Mike, 22 from Newcastle upon Tyne.................

Hoylemiller



Joined: 03/09/2010
Posts: 240

Message Posted:
05/05/2011 15:17

Murphy walkin down the street with a cabbage on a leash.



Mick says "why the feck are you walkin a cabbage"?



"Oh bi Jaysus" says Murphy, "oi thought it was a collie"

tattlad


Joined: 13/12/2008
Posts: 479

Message Posted:
05/05/2011 15:24

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra but accidentally took a swig from a bottle of tipex sitting next to it........







I woke up the next morning with a huge correction.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/05/2011 19:51

I bought Adele's album the other day.



Ironically, it wasn't over until the fat lady stopped singing.    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/05/2011 19:58

Obama: The United States has conducted an operation that has killed Osama Bin Laden, the leader of Al Qaeda. The took care to avoid casulties. After a fire-fight, they killed Osama Bin Laden and took custody of his body. Bin Laden was buried at sea after a Muslim funeral on board an aircraft carrier. Pictures were taken.



The World: Great! Can we see the proof that he's dead?



Obama: No.    

EsentepeGal


Joined: 12/09/2010
Posts: 144

Message Posted:
05/05/2011 21:31

A very, very ugly women walks in a store with her two sons.



The attendant asks:



Are they twins?



Of course not, can't you see they are very different?



Yes I can... I just can't believe that someone banged you twice.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
05/05/2011 21:35

Jonathon Ross isn't allowed to drink scotch - apparently its far too whisky.    

EsentepeGal


Joined: 12/09/2010
Posts: 144

Message Posted:
05/05/2011 21:50

And he was arrested for shoplifting from the homewares dept of selfridges, He said that it was a whisk that he was prepared to take

EsentepeGal


Joined: 12/09/2010
Posts: 144

Message Posted:
05/05/2011 21:50

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

His wife is lying in bed reading.

The man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

His wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."