Neg Nick "joke of the Week"

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
21/05/2011 10:09

When I was younger one of my teeth

fell out while my Auntie Anne was

babysitting for me.

She noticed I had placed my tooth

under my pillow along with a spliff.

She said, "I don't think the tooth fairy

will be wanting a spliff."

I replied, "Yes she will, she's a rasta

fairy Anne."

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
21/05/2011 10:12

West Ham Football Club have said they were driving Chris Huhne's car, so please can they have the 3 points.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
21/05/2011 10:15

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.

It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles , that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out.

erolz


Joined: 17/11/2008
Posts: 3456

Message Posted:
21/05/2011 10:17

http://www.sickipedia.org/getjokes/

AnthonySmith


Joined: 14/05/2009
Posts: 455

Message Posted:
21/05/2011 10:21

First two, very good. Third one, I have to admit, took me several minutes to work out ;-)

erolz


Joined: 17/11/2008
Posts: 3456

Message Posted:
21/05/2011 10:45

Yeah yet again some quality unattributed copy and pasting from the negster.

AnthonySmith


Joined: 14/05/2009
Posts: 455

Message Posted:
21/05/2011 10:51

Erolz, yes, but nothing is original and hasn't been for years.

Groucho



Joined: 26/04/2008
Posts: 7993

Message Posted:
21/05/2011 10:54

"Erolz, yes, but nothing is original and hasn't been for years."



I said that...

AnthonySmith


Joined: 14/05/2009
Posts: 455

Message Posted:
21/05/2011 10:56

Groucho :-D

Scubadoo


Joined: 08/06/2009
Posts: 162

Message Posted:
21/05/2011 13:53

I used to live next door to two lesbians and one Christmas they bought me a Rolex, when I asked them why they had bought it they said.............................................................



"We once heard you say"



"I wanna watch"

philbailey


Joined: 17/01/2011
Posts: 3534

Message Posted:
21/05/2011 15:41

Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.



In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball,

the mystic delivered grave news:



"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt -

prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will

die a violent and horrible death this year."



Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined

face, then at the single flickering candle, then down

at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose

herself.



She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's

gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:



"Will I be acquitted?"

LaptaMike


Joined: 07/10/2009
Posts: 1679

Message Posted:
21/05/2011 15:56

very good jokes. Keep them coming

Pipie


Joined: 05/01/2008
Posts: 5499

Message Posted:
21/05/2011 16:17

''Brilliant'' as usual Nick !!

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
21/05/2011 16:42

I've been invited to join the Gypsy wing of the Freemasons....







They meet at a Travelodge

zookeeper


Joined: 17/03/2010
Posts: 168

Message Posted:
21/05/2011 17:17

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I'd like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide? "The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"



The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Enrico


Joined: 07/12/2008
Posts: 209

Message Posted:
21/05/2011 17:58

I met a gorgeous young lady today.

A spark seemed to fly between us and I began to make passionate love to her.

As I did, I thought to myself, these Taser guns are worth every penny.





I took my wife to the opticians yesterday.

They couldn't see why I married her either.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
21/05/2011 18:34

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue?"

I said "No, just a watch."

Pugwash


Joined: 06/09/2010
Posts: 1797

Message Posted:
21/05/2011 18:40

"Britons are the worst binge drinkers in Europe." - I'm sorry but I think you'll find we're actually the best.

birdman



Joined: 20/09/2010
Posts: 690

Message Posted:
22/05/2011 04:05

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it has been eaten. Its called a wedding cake.

Jefferson


Joined: 17/05/2010
Posts: 360

Message Posted:
22/05/2011 08:08

A smiling start to the day for me. Keep them coming.

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
22/05/2011 08:25

I bought some condoms in Boots the chemists yesterday



When i was paying for them the assistant said "would you like a bag"?



"WHAT"?? I replied



"She's not THAT ugly"

birdman



Joined: 20/09/2010
Posts: 690

Message Posted:
22/05/2011 12:16

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman ?

Ones a super hero, the other is an instruction !





Gerry

negativenick


Joined: 10/11/2008
Posts: 6023

Message Posted:
22/05/2011 12:28

I met a girl in a nightclub and told her 'It's going to be sex in my bedroom, my bathroom, my

kitchen and my lounge when we get back to my place"



She replied, 'Wow, let's go, it's good to find a man with such stamina these days'.



For some reason she didn't seem too impressed when we finally got to the caravan.

jock1



Joined: 06/01/2008
Posts: 3786

Message Posted:
22/05/2011 12:30

Guy goes to the hospital with a big rash between his legs, the nurse says you will have to stop masturbating.."why" he says...Cos im trying to examine you she says...........

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
22/05/2011 12:34

Was watching the movie 'De Ja Vu' last night, I would have enjoyed it more, but I'm sure I've seen it before...    

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
22/05/2011 12:38

Paddy was taking his first plane trip, & complained to a stewardess that his ears were popping. She handed him a boiled sweet & said "That should help, sir."

When the plane landed, Paddy told her "You're right, that sweet did help. Now, can you help me get it back out of me ear?"    

happyvally


Joined: 03/01/2011
Posts: 53

Message Posted:
22/05/2011 12:45

Paddy the Farmer

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from

the Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not

paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an

inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a

week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with

free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of

the work, earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of whisky, and as a

special treat occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."



"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview

the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy

birdman



Joined: 20/09/2010
Posts: 690

Message Posted:
22/05/2011 21:48

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid..........then I was petrified.



What the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman ?

Ones a superhero, the other is an instruction,

Hoylemiller



Joined: 03/09/2010
Posts: 240

Message Posted:
23/05/2011 11:33

2 Pakistani women talking.

One says to the other, "this England is a great place.

Iv'e only been here 6 weeks and already i can speak Polish"

birdman



Joined: 20/09/2010
Posts: 690

Message Posted:
23/05/2011 11:59

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said "I love you"

She said "Is that you or the beer talking?"

I said " It's me talking to the beer "







Gerry

birdman



Joined: 20/09/2010
Posts: 690

Message Posted:
23/05/2011 12:03

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said "I love you"

She said "Is that you or the beer talking?"

I said " It's me talking to the beer "



The wife has been missing for a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst.

So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.



Hi mate don't want you to panic but I'm texting from the casualty department.

Turns out that Dyson Ball Cleaner isn't what I thought it was !.



Gerry

Hoylemiller



Joined: 03/09/2010
Posts: 240

Message Posted:
23/05/2011 13:08

Help ... Does anyone know how to cancel an ebay bid?

I made an offer for a mickey mouse outfit, and now im 6 minutes away from owning West Ham football club !

Hoylemiller



Joined: 03/09/2010
Posts: 240

Message Posted:
23/05/2011 13:09

Help ... Does anyone know how to cancel an ebay bid?

I made an offer for a mickey mouse outfit, and now im 6 minutes away from owning West Ham football club !

berilela


Joined: 17/07/2010
Posts: 590

Message Posted:
23/05/2011 20:08

brilliant all of them

ttoli


Joined: 24/03/2007
Posts: 1172

Message Posted:
23/05/2011 20:35

A woman came into my shop this afternoon and asked me to fetch her a silk tie for her husband's birthday present.



"Certainly madam," I replied, "Is there any particular style or colour that he'd like?"



"Oh just get him any," she answered. "He's not fussy."



"No madam," I said as I scanned my eyes over her hairy face and sagging breasts, "I can see that."

ttoli


Joined: 24/03/2007
Posts: 1172

Message Posted:
23/05/2011 21:28

A woman takes a baby to see the doctor. The doc's concerned about the nipper's weight and asks if the baby is bottle or breast fed. The woman replies breast fed, so the doc asks her to strip to the waist. The Doc then proceeds to pinch her nipples then he massages both her breasts for a while.

"No wonder the baby is under weight, you've got no milk," says the doc.

"I know", said the woman "I'm his Gran, but I'm so glad I came!"

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/05/2011 21:55

Numbers have never been my thirte.

No1Doyen


Joined: 04/07/2008
Posts: 16617

Message Posted:
23/05/2011 21:57

I said to my mate, 'I'm getting sick of my wife taking liberties with my new blu-ray player. I've told her she's not to use it but I came in today and she was watching an Al Pacino film.'



'Scarface?'



'No just a couple of digs to the ribs this time, but I swear if I catch the bitch again....'    

birdman



Joined: 20/09/2010
Posts: 690

Message Posted:
23/05/2011 21:57

How do you turn a fox into an elephany ?

Marry it.





What's the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side,



Why is the space between a womans breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.



How do you make five pounds of fat look good ?

Put a nipple on it.